Posted by: Delinda | 2006/11/13

Boyfriend became violent


My boyfriend of 6 years and I had a fall out over the weekend. For the 1st time in 6 years he became violent towards me. He grabbed me on my neck, tore my pant, threw me on the ground etc.
I questioned him about it the next day, and he says he had to because I physically attacked him first. Which I didn't....

He is 1.88 and weighs over 100kg...I am 1.71 and weigh 60kg......I don't gym, so I can assure you I am not very strong and not tall enough to attack him....

I just feel that what he did is totally unacceptable but am willing to forgive as this is the first time he has done this.

Any advice? Do I accept this behaviour? Do I forgive?

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Our expert says:
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yes, such violence is totally unacceptable. Did you povoke him very severely before this act of violence ? be very cautious about just assuming that nothing like this can happen again. If nothing remotely like this has happened in the preceding 6 years of your relationship, one really wonders what provoked this incident. Maybe, if you really want to continue, see a relationship counsellor together ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Delinda | 2006/11/13

No, he did not hit me.

Reply to Delinda
Posted by: Kate | 2006/11/13

I dont think anything justifies anyone being violent with anyone, but it does take two to tango. Am I correct in assuming he didnt hit you.

Reply to Kate
Posted by: Delinda | 2006/11/13

Thanks "Just a dude"....any idea where I would find any good councellors in the JHB area......

Reply to Delinda
Posted by: Just a Dude | 2006/11/13

I don't support violence of any nature. But i don't think leaving him, in this particular scenario is the only solution. I would agree with Casey.Maybe you should give him a second chance. surely you guys have had arguements in the six years, haven't you? the fact that he has'nt done this before at least indicates it's not his habit.Councelling will help you undersand the base and should you decide to give him a second chance, you should watch how he manages his anger. DO NOT give him a third chance.

Reply to Just a Dude
Posted by: Delinda | 2006/11/13

Hi Kate,

Trying to get into my car - to drive away......and he wouldn't allow me to I tried to push him away.....I would hardly think that that justified what he did.

Does anything give a man a right to be violent towards a woman?????????

Reply to Delinda
Posted by: Kate | 2006/11/13

To me it doesnt sound like he attacked you, it sounds like he restrained you. Now Im pretty short etc etc but I can put up a hell of a struggle if need be, so I wonder what you were doing when he grabbed you and restrained you.

Reply to Kate
Posted by: Gem | 2006/11/13

It seems u've already dicided to accept his behaviour and forgive him, you just want to hear ppl say it okay do that. If only women in this country stand up for them selve the first time abuse occur they would be alot better off. Maybe I'm just saying this cos I'm not the one going through it, but if you just let it go and go back to him you are making him believe it's okay to hurt you.
I suggest you only forgive him after he understands what he's done i.e suggest he comes with you for counselling and goes for individual counselling. If he refuses then he's not willing to acknowledge that he has a problem and he probably will do it again.

Reply to Gem
Posted by: Echelle | 2006/11/13

Maybe he is starting to show the REAL HIM! You need to be careful because that is where it starts! Next time he might hit you with his fist. Forgive him, but if he does it again, leave him! My ex also threw me on the ground one weekend and that was also his excuse, but he didn't do it again, but he's anyways an ass**** :-). So, follow your head and not your heart!

Reply to Echelle
Posted by: Casey | 2006/11/13

Everyone deserves a second chance, if this has been the first time, perhaps suggest couple therapy to him and try to get to the bottom of "why" he did what he did and prevent it from ever happeing again. Good luck.

Reply to Casey
Posted by: LD | 2006/11/13

SO you are willing to forgive him, because it's his first time????? Open your eyes, it WILL happen again!!!!! Leave him, let him find someone else who he can use as a punch bag!

Reply to LD
Posted by: MB | 2006/11/13

I have a friend married 5 yrs. Her husband is much bigger than her. He has hit her 3 times already and every time he tells her that he'll just tell the police and every one else that she attacked him first and its self defence agree with above get out now he'll do it again!

Reply to MB
Posted by: Michelle | 2006/11/13

No, you don't accept his behaviour!
Any man that justifies himself for raising a hand to a woman has a problem, and will surely do it again!
He will do it again, he will look for another reason to do it again! And each time he does do it, he will look for any sort of excuse to justify himself. He doesn't even seem remorseful.
Don't fall into a trap, please. It starts here, and will only get worse!
Good luck to you in making the right decision, I know it is hard, seeing as though you have been together for 6 years. But rather make it 6 years of lessons learnt, than 60 years of pain and suffering!

Reply to Michelle

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