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Question
Posted by: Paula | 2004/02/19

Boyfriend

My boyfriend and i have been together for a year now, we were so happy things we really going great till this week. Monday i hadn't heard anythign from him, me being concerened phoned but didn't seem interested to talk, so i left it.
Yesterday same thing asked what's wrong he says he's having a bad day and i must leave him alone. I was hurt cause the person i love so much is being distant and he won't communciate with me about what's going on in that head of his, believe me i tried the whole afternoon trying to figure what's wrong, trying to get him to talk to me, but he won't..
What must i do, i love him and he's hurting but so i am.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Paula,
Be unselfish and generous. There are many really excellent reasons why someone like your bf might be facing a serious personal problem, not involving you, and needs time and space to sort it out. If you can't give him that when he needs it and asks for it, the relationship will not flourish.
I think nowadays some people have wildly unrealistic expectations from relationships, maybe encouraged by the mega-greedy cellphone companies, and expect the other person to be constantly accessable to them, and constantly in touch. In a healthy relationship, yes, you need to be able to enjoy time together --- but you do also both need to be adult enough to be capable of being apart, and leading your own independent work-lives, pursuing sporting and other interests, without being constantly joined at the hip like a pair of Siamese twins.
And the more you try to force a guy to communicate with you when he's not ready to or able to, the faster you will drive him away.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Kasandra | 2004/02/19

the saying goes men are like rubber bands if you let them expand they will always bounce back: I use to to that always think the problem lies with me but sometimes like the above girls mentioned guys just need their space ..........
why not take this oppurtinity to get to know yourself better.
if you keep nagging and wanting to help you will make him feel helpless ...... back off focus on you now ......

Reply to Kasandra
Posted by: Vixen | 2004/02/19

Sally is so right. Guys go through this he might feel "trapped" and want time to think this through. The more you try to talk the more he will feel like you trying to take over his life.

Give him time, Do things with your girlfriends have a life outside your relationship because if ( God forbid ) things don't work out that your life doesn't seem to fall apart. With friends to pick up the pieces.

He should come around soon. Give it time

Reply to Vixen
Posted by: Soul | 2004/02/19

Hi Paula

I agree. His obviously going through something and is retreating. If there is one thing I've somewhat come to realise is that when a man has a problem he goes into a cave and tries to find a solution to the problem and will only emerge once it has been sorted out. Men don't like to ask for help they don't like to discuss their problems especially with a woman they feel as though you think of them not being able to sort out or fix their problems that they are not capable of handling a situation.
Leave him to sort his things out. I know it's difficult but until then you can only make matters worse. The more space you give him the quicker it will be over and things will be back to normal as if nothing happened. If he wants to tell you then leave him until his ready, by you pushing for answers his going to stay in the cave longer.

Trust me I know this is not easy I've been there too and it drives me nuts but there is nothing you can do to change it. It will only happen when his good and ready.

Take Care
Soul

Reply to Soul
Posted by: Sally | 2004/02/19


I think you should give him some space. You have tried to find out by asking him and he still wont tell you. I suggest you stop contacting him as much as it hurts you and makes you feel really ill. Its probably going to make him wonder why? Then he will call you. Its hard but it works. By constantly asking him he will get more irritated. Leave him a while. I went through exactly the same.

Reply to Sally

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