Posted by: Step mom | 2005/11/29

Blended families

My husband and I both have two teenage children from previous marriages. My daughter and his son lives with us permanently, and his daughter very often. As their mother lives close by, and they have a seemingly good bond, I decided early on in the relationship that I would not try to be their mother, but merely their father's wife, a friend and the manager of the household they live in. My husband and I also feel that we are a stabilising factor in their lives, because we have a very healthy and happy relationship. But I must admit (to my shame) that I battle with viewing his kids objectively. I notice the things they do "wrong" first, I suspect them first if something happens, etc. etc. I honestly don't want these emotions. Although I don't say anything, it eats me. These feelings are not in keeping with who I perceive myself to be. I know that I need to change my thinking about them, but I am finding it very hard. We both have busy, stressful jobs, and sometimes I just feel that I don't have the energy to deal with another woman's children as well!! What do you think CS, am I ever going to deal with this? Is there anybody out there in a similar position?

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Most of us do ( and all of us should ) feel aware at times of our behaviours falling short of our ideals and self-image. But there's no point in allowing this to be a source of discomfort, when the errors are such tiny ones. I would expect that you will over time adjust better and better to this --- and you sound as though you have already done so far better than most stepmoms.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Step mom | 2005/11/30

Thanks ladies! I appreciate the trouble you took, and good luck there as well! I am so aware of my responsibilities in this situation, and your perspectives just give it a different angle, thanks!

Reply to Step mom
Posted by: Yellow | 2005/11/30

Just remember that these kids are being shaped by you and your husband. I grew up with a step mom, and I did not call her stepmonster for nothing. My step dad had a much better approach. He was firm and fair and had rules that were not allowed to be broken by any of us. I have the utmost respect for him and we get on very well. Think of your step kids as perhaps adopted children and not the other womans' children, or put your self in your husbands shoes. How would you like him to feel about your kids? I know that love for stepkids is unrealistic but respect and friendship is possible. I had terrible teenage years because my step mom hated me, was jealous of my relationship with my father, called my mother names, would not buy me what I needed, and her and my dad were always fighting about things that I did. My stepdad and my mom stuck together, enforced dicipline together, he took care of my needs but he was strict about the rules, and although it irritated me I respected them for it. If I was out of line, they would confront me together, and I knew exactly where I stood. He was not over friendly and did not try to be my dad, but he let me know that it was his home and his rules. I have a whole bunch of my own kids now, two from my previous marriage and one with my husband and nothing causes conflict like us not agreeing about discipline. We have to talk, agree and tackle the bunch together. It is tough, but many people adopt children and love them. They are after all kids and your influence will make a huge difference in their lives. Anyway I hope my experience helps. Good luck.

Reply to Yellow
Posted by: Friend | 2005/11/30

I'm in exactly the same situation, I have two small boys from a previous marriage, my husband has got two teenage girls from his previous marriage. Together we have a little baby girl. It is a very difficult and complicated situation which can lead to much conflict. In my case, the smaller girl tells stories about me to their mother and has caused a lot of trouble this way. I feel exactly the same way as you do. There are no quick answers. The best would be to try and keep objective. It is also very important that you and your husband has some "alone" time, without any of the children. Together with your stressfull job, all these children in your house can really drain your energy and make you tired and worn out. You need to focus your energy on you and your husband's relationship. You also need some time for yourself to recharge. I wish you all the best in this complicated situation.

Reply to Friend

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.