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Question
Posted by: Bruiser | 2004/01/05

Black and Blue

Hi I am a woman, 29 married for 5 years, mostly happily except when my husband beats me up on some Saturday nights. This usually happens when he goes out drinking with his buddies and watching rugby on tv in the pubs. We have 2 children, a boy (4) and a girl (2). I met this man at work and we have been going out to lunch on a few occasions. He is also married and his wife is also very abusive towards him. We sort of form our own support group whenever either one of us gets beaten up. We never had sex before but just before the xmas break he suggested we slip away sometime and have some really steamy sex. He said it would be his xmas pressie for me. I was very flattered that he wanted to have sex with me, but I was too scared my husband would find out and beat me up. On that same nite my hubby got drunk and beat the shit out of me, gave me a black eye for xmas. I took the kids and went to my parents house, but he came to get me and my father told me to go with him although I was in a state. I now seriously consider my friends offer for a sexual relationship seeing as I crave that loving feeling. Am I wrong? Must I leave my husband, he will track me down and hurt me bad. I wont be able to reach my wanna-be lover until we both start work again, he only starts in a weeks time. I cant wait that long, but i cant call him at home, cos of his wife. I really need help, please.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Bruiser,
Surely what you really need now is NOT another sexual relationship, but specific help in getting away from an abusive spouse ? Don't just put up with the abuse and feel this justifies your enjoying some "steamy sex" on the side --- that doesn't really solve your primary problem. Call POWA or some similar group specializing in helping women who are being abused, and get detailed advice from them on how to protect yourself and your children.
From the sound of it, your abused friend should do the same ( and that's assuming he isn't perhaps using the "my wife beats me" as a modern equivalent of the "my wife doesn't understand me" line that was much used to talk women into bed ).
POWA and similar groups can help you to use the law to protect yourself and your children, and to get a Court order that will forbid your husband to approach, let alone harrass or harm you or them, on pain of going to jail if he disobeys the order. Dont make the mistake many women do, of paying with sex for the loving and affection you want and deserve. As Paul says, when both of you are legally freed from abusive spouses, you can safely get together for whatever purposes you please.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Paul | 2004/01/05

Trust me I've been there, you are setting up for heartache and it will not be worth it. First initiate divorce proceeding on grounds of abuse, your lover should do the same. Then you two can have all the steamy sex you possibly can. Remember sex reaches past the point of orgasm.

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