Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/10/14

Blabbering On - Confused

Trying desperately to empty my mind a bit so please bare with me. Last night when I spoke to the psychologist and we spoke about Sunday evening, she looked at the damage I caused and yes it looks bad, however I am angry and told her as much that I didn't even do this right, there are two marks, however the one wasn't deep, the other required stitches and is very badly bruised, I said it wasn't enough and that I was angry about this and the urge to hurt is strong. She wants me to find another outlet but I just don't know how to do this, it seems as if I am fighting not to do what is right and correct. I have distracted myself by doing anything else when the urge comes up but I don't know if I can keep this up. My emotions don't correspond with the way I react, when angry just keep quiet, when tell a sad story, I smile. I have moments of great laughter and a sense that things are great and then the fall, but the downs are still much more than the up's. I suppose it is my own fault and I know I need to put in more effort to help myself but it is almost as if I don't want to, so maybe (sorry Lulu) Lulu was right, I don't want to be helped, I don't take the advice, however in ways I do, it is extremely confusing and mind bobbling. I am pondering too much I know but even this I can't stop. I do not think so much about the past anymore, it is the present that's getting to me, but it is a recurring pattern in that it happens all the time, I keep getting myself into situations I cannot control but control I want. I think I should just give up and let be what will be, stop everything and let life take it's course because it seems like too much hassle to actually seek help and get it and then having to pay for it too, more debt.
I don't even want to work anymore, it also doesn't seem worthwhile, why bother. I can't start something. I see the work in front of me and know it needs to be done, but I don't care and don't want to. I don't want to be here -- the people are fantastic but I am very irritable and don't want anyone around me, I want to be on my own. My jaw hurts for some reason and I feel like I want to scream, I know I won't, even when I was attacked I never screamed. I don't want to talk to anyone, I want to do nothing, absolutely nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.
Everything seems to be angering me today as well, I even went off at the bf and he has done nothing wrong and then he found it funny, I was not amused, still am not. I had a calm morning so why do I feel this way?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Kep fighting agains the self-damaging urges, which don't deserve your assent. About the work, for instance, don't wait until you care about doing it --- just start doing it, and the caring will come later.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Jess | 2004/10/14

Hi, I won't assume to understand your pain, but about the anger thing.... work it off on a punching bag, not on yourself. You're precious, treat yourself like that... and "moer" that punching bag!! Get it all out.
Take care of yourself, precious.

Reply to Jess
Posted by: Twanette | 2004/10/14

Do not apologise for what you are and what you think,

We are all human and therefore all have emotions it's just that we don't always know how to handle the emotions.

Blabbering helps people read it and they try and understand thats all that counts.!

Reply to Twanette

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