Hi Doc, long time since I was on here.
Been fighting my bipolar for the last year on my own without meds as nothing seemed to have helped me before only option is Shock treatment will I will not go for . Just a quick run down on a few things. I always get depressed come the festive season and once again I can feel it coming along . stopped drinking completely 4 months ago have not touched a drink since the 7th Aug as I am afraid its going to make me agro again. Something happened some months back that when I start to drink my mind starts to wonders towards the negative things in life and then I see red. The last three months my mood has been explosive I am fine one minute and the next I am either on a high or a low with signs of egression anything can trigger it I am scared I am going to really harm someone or myself one of these days.

I am so stressed out last night I was out with my G/F and starting having minor panic attacks and also felt like hyperventilating I just feel I have so much on my my plate that I cant cope anymore .

Have the G/F of 10 years pressuring me to get married in FEB great woman but I done it before and it never worked out why do it again .She is a great person and always helps others but everyone takes advantage of her which effects us She is in deep financial troubles which I am helping her out of

Have a Ex wife who never has money and tell our child there is no money for expensive gifts for Christmas but can go out there and buy a new motorbike for herself and tell me she cant go half’s with a gift for our child . when I pick my child up on my weekend it looks like she comes from the streets and sometimes you can see she has not washed her hair or is even done up . I buy cloths for her to take home and never see them again . I buy her stuff and when I ask months later where the gifts are she tells me she has given it to her two brothers (not my kids) bought her a off road bike two years ago she has out grown it asked her last week lets sell it and use the money to go towards an Ipod she wants she tells me she gave it to her brother asked the X wife what the story is she just lies and tell me our child is still riding it . I leave it at that as I don’t want to fight . I asked about a ps1 she had I wanted to give it to one of my friends kids as they can not afford one and our child has the ps 2 I get told they cant find it guess that landed up with the other two kids.My G/F and mother keep on telling me to speak to my X about things and the way my child is dressed / manners ect but I know its just going to cause problems later on . I give me pocket money the x tells me not to give her too much as the other two kids tell their dad they wish I was their dad so they can get money .why should that be my problem if they can not budget and buy shit like motor bikes and whatever else .

Have a mother that lives off a pension of about R1800.00 a month and I give the rest end of Feb08 she moves into one of my town house that I rent out. The place is paid for so at least she can survive . I lose the monthly rental income. Don’t mind as she is my mother.

Work I have so many staff that want want and want I cant even concentrate at the office anymore I go on leave next week and I am dreading it as I know my moods will set in .

I feel like I am loosing it again have suicide thoughts daily without fail I imaginef pulling the trigger if I had a gun see myself jumping off a bridge ,drowning out at sea all these thoughts are played in my mind daily I feel I should just end it all so one can rely on me .

No one asks me what I want in life day in day out I come to work do my job , pick my child up on my weekends , be faithful to my G/F look after my mom as a son should
Save money to help others but do not spend any on my self .

What I would liket is to be locked up somewhere and given a daily injection to sleep 24/7 for the rest of my life
sorry for going on needed to release