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Posted by: Fancy Face | 2007/06/08

Bipolar & Depressed - cant take it

I am a 32 year old married woman with bipolar, diagnosed about 3 /4 years ago. since then, i have not ever been stable but tend to have ok periods through major periods of depression. it gets so bad that i cant stop crying, i just feel like taking a blade to my wrists and slitting them or just walking in front of a truck or something. it is like this wall of blackness that descends over me and i just cant deal with it anymore. Nothing makes me happy, i feel useless, i cant get out of bed, i cant concentrate on my job (I am the main breadwinner and it makes me feel even worse). i take my meds (quilonum, lamicton, rhisperdal) but they dont seem to help. I have had ECTs but it only last a couple of weeks until i am back at square one. I feel like such a bad wife because who wants a wife who is bipolar - you never know what kind of mood they are going to be in and you have to deal with them all the time. I love my husband more than anything in the world and he is very supportive but i feel so guilty on top of everything feeling as i am feeling. The weekend is coming and there are people coming over to our house and it is the last thing i feel like. I want to curl up in a ball under the duvet and just stay there forever. How do i get through today without actually killing myself, nevermind the weekend. Am i losing my mind? Is this normal? Do I need to be hospitalised again?
On top of all this I want a baby and my shrink said it would be possibly but difficult pregnancy because i could hit major lows with all the hormonal changes. Went to GP for check up and he said no way would he ever suggest i have a baby - sometimes God gives us a deal we dont like but we have to live with it. Do you really think that a bipolar person would make a bad mother?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

FF, this does indeed sound very frustrating. And I hope you are discussing all of these details, especially your despair, with your own psychiatrist, so that you can jointly consider revisions to the treatment, as this condition CAN be controlled sucessfully, though sometimes it takes much longer than we would wish to find the right combination of treatments to help it. YOU are not a failure --- any more than someone with diabetes is a failure. You are trying to cope with a very difficult condition which is not at all your fault, and understandably you are finding this difficult at times. Seeing a counselor in addition to the medication might help find better ways to cope with the symptoms while you have them.
I don't think you would make a bad mother, at all --- Bipolar moms and dads can be excellent parents. Obviously having any chronic health problem makes it less easy than it is for the healthy, but it's very possible. If it were possible for you to adopt a child, you could potentially be a fine mom. The concern is more for the problem of the impact of a pregnancy and its hormonal shifts, on your own health and well-being, and the possible impact of necessary meds ( or, what can be worse, of uncontrolled untreated illness ) on the child during pregnancy.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Someone | 2007/06/08

Hi Fancy Face.
I have read all the above and can relate. I do not have bipolar but suffer from severe clincal depression and anxiety. I know your situation is alot different to mine but hope my story can be of inspration and make you go ahead with your decision to fall pregnant.
I left my meds to fall pregnant and during my pregnancy felt like I was gonna hit the all time low and do something drastic .... but my fabulous support group (family/doc/freinds) heped me get througn it .... and a mild tranquilizer which was safe during pregnancy. After the baby I hit a bad patch - I wanted to give my baby up for adoption and wanted to kill myself, but went back onto AD's immediately and after a while felt better. I love my daughter and cannot believe that I was the same person that reacted that way, but have come to terms with the illness and accepted it for what it is.I want to have another child and have and the though of going through that all again freaks me out, the minute I am on my AD's I know that it will be okay and I can do it. It is a catch 22 but I know that it is only for a short period (based on my life span) and I will have something precious to show for it ..... children make it so worth the fight and struggle.
Good luck and I hope you find happiness and love with teh decisions you make. Hope you too have a great support system.

Reply to Someone
Posted by: Fancy Face | 2007/06/08

How old is your baby? Did you have a really difficult pregnancy and baby blues and all that? How do you cope on days that you cant even get out of bed nevermind dealing with the baby?

Reply to Fancy Face
Posted by: C. | 2007/06/08

HEY! I'm a 'bipolar mother' and I'm bloody GREAT! Yes it takes time to reach the perfect balance in your meds, and frankly my dear, you're not there yet. Talk to your Psichiatrist about this and let him change your meds! You CAN feel better girl. It might never be perfect, but surely a hell lot better.

Reply to C.

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