Posted by: Anonymous | 2005/11/27

Bi-Sexual Husband has cheated on me - we are seperating

To all who responded to my previous posting (369).

Just to fill you in on what has since transpired. My husband has joined Sotts, which is a support group / list for gay / bisexual men and women. Since then and since last time I posted here, he has again joined gay dating sites, saying he is looking for men or bi-sexual couples to have discreet sex with and has even taken phone numbers from some of them and given them his MSN mail address and they have been sending each other filthy messages. God only knows what else he has been up to. He has also told them things that he hasn't told me and I told him I want the truth. All of it - good or bad - I deserve that much. He has told them that he hopes I have an affair so that will give him an "easy way out of the marriage" and he has also told them that he has had several sexual encounters with men before and during our marriage. I approached him about it and he told me it was just the 2 occassions before we got married and 2 occassions since we got married, which he says was about 3 years ago. He also says the 1 was just fondling each other and the other time he gave a man a blowjob (he says he had a condom on) - both of these occassions he says was with perfect strangers at a sex shop. Sorry for him, but I can no longer believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Besides, that is bad enough for me. How am I to be sure that he hasn't done anything else with anyone else. I am so afraid that he might have done something without protection, and ultimately put me at risk too. How can I believe that he did it 3 years ago, and not since - yet he claims his urges get stronger by the day. One of the men on the support list says that you apparently get "gayer by the day". I also told him that he has cheated on me, but he doesn't see it that way because it was not an "affair", only "casual sex" or "an activity" as he calls it. He also says that he didn't apologize to me even now because he has already asked God for forgiveness and he is the only one who can forgive. You must understand that my husband is very religious and comes from a very religious family, so I cannot understand how he can stand up and take marriage vows and then cheat on me and somehow justify it in his sick mind. I told him if he loved me even a little bit, he would not have cheated on me. I would never cheat on someone I love. You just don't do that to someone you love. He has also told his support group that he is going to try and have another sexual encounter with a man and he will see how he feels in 6 months and if he still has urges, he will ask me for a divorce. It would've been nice if he could've informed me of this decision. It seems that he thinks he is the only one in the marriage. I think he is so afraid of me taking his daughter away (back down to PE to my folks - we are in JHB) and then he will never get to see her. This might be the only choice, as I cannot afford to live in my own place financially.

We are, just for the moment, going to be staying together, as we are in financial dire straits at the moment too, which makes things even worse. I cannot tell my family and friends yet - they would be furious with him. But we are going to live seperate lives. Then when we are back on our feet financially, we will live seperately and get divorced - I don't know where I will go yet as I cannot afford a place of my own. The word "divorce" sticks in my throat. I never thought I would get divorced. I thought I had one of the best marriages and one of the best husbands. I feel like 7 years of my life have been a joke. He's been acting through it all - it has apparently been agony for him. God, I wish he'd told me he was bi-sexual before we got married - I would never have married him. I might have stood a better chance of finding someone else 7 years ago. Now I am 33 with a child and "baggage". Who would want that? I feel like he has robbed me of 7 years. Not only cheated on me, but cheated me out of 7 years of my life. He also told his support group that I wanted him to go for councelling, and then us together (as suggested by Expert) and he said to them that he didn't want to because he "hasn't got a disease". If there are any bi-sexuals out there reading this. I beg you to go out only with other bi-sexuals or gays of your own gender - it is not fair to do to someone what he has done to me.

Just to mention also that this is the worst pain anyone has or could ever cause me and what makes it worse is it was caused by the man that I thought would never ever hurt me.

A man said on Oprah the other day (they had a show about married men who cheated) that 99% of married men cheat and if they tell you they don't, they're lying. I now believe that this percentage might actually be accurate, based on mine and all my friends and acquantances experiences. But I never thought I would be one of the wives who were cheated on. I am doubtful as to whether many people will believe he did this to me, because everyone always tells me how lucky I am to have him. If only they knew.

I will sign off now. Thanks for your time.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Anonymous, thank you for posting again and I'm sorry that your circumstances have deteriorated further since you last communicated with us. I can only attempt to imagine the various emotions you must be experiencing - just reading your post I experienced a sense of outrage at this man's refusal to accept any responsibility for the hurt he has caused you through his deceit and his perpetuated betrayal of your trust. His failure to be honest and apologise to you because he has been already been forgiven by God is simply outrageous. He seems to distort reality to suit his own needs. He sounds manipulative and I wouldn't be surprised if he has narcissistic tendencies. His claiming to be bisexual is not - NOT - a premeditating factor for his outrageous sense of entitlement.

I'm sorry to say this about someone you've trusted and loved but - being totally blunt - he sounds like really bad news and he gives the gay community a bad name. The problem isn't his sexual orientation - the problem lies in the manner in which he's chosen to deal with his being gay or possibly bisexual which has more to do with his personality than his sexual orientation. You've been hurt in the process. You're probably better off without him and it's a pity that your finances don't allow you to create some distance between you.

You sound like an articulate, sensible, sensitive and very insightful woman. Don't allow this man to cause you any more harm and I sincerely hope that you'll be able to rediscover yourself, invest in yourself and nurture yourself to the point that you'll be able to grow way beyond this experience. Call in your friends and family, allow them to support you and don't feel compelled to shelter or protect him - you've already been compromised too much. I wish you well.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Brad | 2005/11/29

Hi Fragile and welcome back, thanks for the update and your response to Xpert's comments to your post (464 I think). Go well!

Reply to Brad
Posted by: fragile | 2005/11/29

dearest anon and husband both, as I'm in this situation, check back to my posting and advice from Glen to me, I'm trying to pick up the bits of fluff that I have left after finding out about my husband's affair with his friend. Married 30 years. I still love him and always will. Maybe I'm just sick? But I will stand by him if he is bi/gay I just won't sleep with him. We have two beautiful children, both found out about it at the same time. One is still a teenager and not dealing with it at all. I lied and told her it never happened. She has gay friends, and doesn't hate them, but the way it was presented to her was unbearable. I feel for you both and wish you the best in future. I'm trying to sort my problem out over the Dec. holiday. When the "bad moments" hit, byt vas and scream if you have to.,I didn't know about this spot to go to for help, so I went for 7 months through hell on my own. Got rid of all my friends, resigned my job and hid under the bed. With a smile on my face. No-one knew. I'm trying to get him to get to help, wich he is still refusing. At least you have (husband) the guts to get in the open, and I respect you for it. If only mine would do it and stop lying to me. That is the part that destroys me the most. Talking will always help. Love. Fragile

Reply to fragile
Posted by: Tamlyn | 2005/11/28

Hi Husband and Anonymous, this is a cliche I know but time will heal. This may not be what you want to hear now but we know it is true.

Reply to Tamlyn
Posted by: Nigel | 2005/11/28

Wow thanks Husband for responding to us - I respect you for that and I seriously admire you for putting Veena in his/her place. Good for you! Unfortunately your wife (and I suppose you) will have to cope with the many Veena's out there. If you look back at all the responses to your wife, including the previous time she posted, I think you'll agree that most ppl weren't saying the problem is your sexual orientation but how your wife experienced you dealing with it. Xpert said it very clearly in his second response, (I'm copying and pasting this here):"The problem isn't his sexual orientation - the problem lies in the manner in which he's chosen to deal with his being gay or possibly bisexual". I'm no expert on anything but I think your wife's problem, partly, may have been that she didn't know what she was dealing with and that she had false hope. I know there are many gay or bi married men out there and maybe you can come back to use some day and give them advice on how to deal with this situation, from your prespective. If I can be so brave and bold as to suggest anything, it is maybe better to be completely honest. But I suppose that must be unbearably difficult under these circumstances, I can only imagine. Its a pity the Xpert only replies to new postings, I would have like him to respond to you because there may be some advice for you, in spite of everything you didn't choose this to happen and you mustn't think you are totally to blame.

Reply to Nigel
Posted by: Anonymous' husband | 2005/11/28

Oh and Veena,
Get a life!
I am the problem, NOT her. Our marriage was fantastic until I wrecked it with admitting my sexuality. For many years I played it down. I just wish she was not a casualty.

Anonymous' husband

Reply to Anonymous' husband
Posted by: Anonymous' husband | 2005/11/28

To All you Anonymous supporters out there

Thank you for supporting my wife. I am truly sorry for the pain I have put her through and how attrociously i have handled things. I am not trying to make excuses for myself of how i handled everything, clearly badly. I cannot describe the guilt that i feel. I wish i could feel differently, beleive me I have tried. She deserves more at the very least better than I can offer, At the moment. The problem is she thinks she can't do better-WRONG! Her self image is low at the moment, understandable, I wish i could change this, but i can only try I guess. I have never professed to be a saint and clearly I am not. My conflict is huge and i wish i could change this. I can't. I am not acting all happy and stuff to hurt her, I am doing this because this is how i am trying to cope. I am falling apart inside. How much is beating yourself up about your sitauation enough. where do i draw the line. I have a daughter to think of that i want to be as unaffected by MY problem as possible. Will it be good for her to see her father, her rock, to be falling apart at the seems, when must self preservation kick in? I do and always will love my wife but i feel like i haven't given the side of me that is attracted to men a chance and will always be thinking what if, would this be fair on her? She is my best friend and we have agreed that she will always be. I do not recognise myself in what has been described in the previous postings. Maybe i need to find me again, before i can make a decision? Not fair on my wife so, i guess i risk loosing her, too late. I cannot begin to describe to you all how i feel and the judgement handed down by you all is sometimes warranted other times unfair, i am doing the best that I can, If thats not good enough, i am sorry it is my life and no one has yet written a handbook of what to do in every situation, if they had i would have it. I am still and will always be here for my wife, unfortuneately it is unfair and unexcusable to expect her to let me have my cake and eat it also. I have to sort me out. Please don't judge me too harshly. We all make mistakes.

Anonymous' husband

Reply to Anonymous' husband
Posted by: Anonymous | 2005/11/28

Dear Deeve & all,

I'm not sure if my intentions towards my husband with regards to my husband were misread, or if I misconstrued them, but I am no intention of witholding his child from him. She adores him and he is a fantastic father. I also have no problem with older children (being teenagers) who are old enough to understand, being exposed to it, but I don't think a 6-year old is capable of understanding why her father is holding hands with and kissing another man. How could she possibly understand this? And this is not meant only for him. I have no intention of holding hands with or kissing another man in front of her either (should the opportunity ever arise). I don't think she should be exposed to it from either of us. At least not for awhile, or until she is old enough to understand it better. Perhaps Expert has some insight on this?

Thanks again for all your insight.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Tiara | 2005/11/28

Good point Deeve, about the father-daughter relationship, it may take some time to sort that out though because there's so much emotion around. I agree that just because he's gay, or because of the way he's treated his wife, the daughter shoudn't be involved :)

I think the Xpert was right in saying the damage wasn't caused by the husband's sexual orientation but by the way he dealt with it. Being gay doesn't make anyone a bad parent.

Reply to Tiara
Posted by: Deeve | 2005/11/28

Before I get burned at the stake - ' typo error' - I meant to say your hubby's current behaviour is unacceptable - sorry...!!!

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: Deeve | 2005/11/28

I know ycu're angry that you ended up with a raw deal - It is unfortunate that some people only come to terms with their sexual identity much later in life. Nontheless, your current behaviour is totally unacceptable. All I can ask is - don't drag your hubby through the mud - he is the father of your kid and always will be. This is something between you and him - leave the youngster out of this - she deserves to grow up with both parents.
On your comments of you protecting her from seeing him with guys - I am a Gay Dad, with two teenage kids - and rather hurt by your views. My kids have grown up with my partner and I around for the last 5 years. Your comment is very biased, and hopefully only because of the hurt you are going through right now. Please do not presume that her father will ever 'taint' her in any way, due to his sexuality. We are very normal and loving parents- she will adjust very quickly to her father - your hubby just needs a huge wakeup call, and a kick up the .........! It's really uncalled for, the way he is treating you right now.

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: Person | 2005/11/28

PLEASE delete Veena's horrid post - it doesn't belong here. And best wishes to you Anonymous, I am deeply sorry that you had to endure this and that it has thrown your life into such a major process of change,

Reply to Person
Posted by: Brad | 2005/11/28

I'm sorry Anonymous, I hope everything works out well for you and please don't let people like Veena get to you. You are not to blame, in any way.

I think it would be fantastic if you could print out your posting and Xpert's response and show this to your husband - let him see a comment from a gay counseller.

Reply to Brad
Posted by: Tiara | 2005/11/28

Veena you sound like a real short-sighted idiot with no compassion and no clue as to what's been going on Anonmyous's life - you're probably also cheating on a wife and twisting reality (as the Xpert said) to suit your own needs and you blame all your problems on your wife. Expert please delete Veena's nasty, unhelpful message from the forum.

Anonymous, your posting left me feeling shocked, sad and also enraged that one selfish individual could cause so much harm - and then not feel the pain that results. It is terrible that you have to carry this, and I agree with Tristan - expose him to your family and friends, and HIS family as well - don't try to shelter him.

And for what it's worth I think he's gay, not bisexual.

Lot's of love to you anonymous and I hope you'll keep us posted on how you're doing.

Reply to Tiara
Posted by: Anonymous | 2005/11/28

You are obviously the same type of person as my husband - a cheater and a liar, so it would be obvious for you to take his side. Where you get that I nag him from, I don't know.
You are obviously bored. Get a life!!!

Believe me, even though I don't sound it - I am angry. Perhaps when I posted that letter I was more hurt than angry, and now I've moved past that to the angry stage.

My husband asked me last night to give him 2 months to "sort his head out" - which is how long it will probably take for me to get a place of my own. So I agreed. This morning I walked in on him sending / receiving filthy messages from one of his gay friends from one of the gay dating sites. He tried to justify it (again) and blame me, but at the end said I am not to blame at all. What frustrates me the most is that he is in a good mood / in good spirits (laughing and joking around), almost as if he is glad this is happening - it's what he wants, so he can pursue his men freely without me being there anymore. He is so calm and that annoys me the most!!!

Thanks expert and everyone else (except Veena) for your insight. It is now a given that we are now officially seperated and will be getting divorced. My daughter and I will be moving into our own place at the end of January at the latest (come hell or high water). I have asked him to keep my daughter sheltered from his "trysts" (as he refers to them) or the affairs he might get involved in, as I don't believe that a 6-year old should be exposed to her father kissing or holding hands (or worse) with a man - it would be impossible to explain to her - she is far too young to possibly understand. I will thus do the same on my part, should I meet a man.

Thanks again.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Tristan | 2005/11/28

Hi Anonymous,

I am really sorry to hear about your situation. You have certainly been very mature in the way you have dealt with this. I personally thnk you should get out asap. The guys sounds like a real pig with no regard for your feelings. Also, maybe you should share whats happening with your family as it sounds like you feel like you are alone in this. You need all the support you can get. Good luck!

As for Veena's posting, I think you posting goes against what this site is all about. This site is for people who need advice and support, not your c r a p p y input. In fact, sounds like you are an attention seeker. Get yourself a therapist in that case.


Reply to Tristan
Posted by: veena | 2005/11/28

its all your nagging as a wife that would drive any man insane!!

Poor guy, I am sorry for him , and I pity YOU his wife, which he never really loved.

Reply to veena
Posted by: Anon | 2005/11/27

Being bisexual or even a gay man in a heterosexual relationship doesn't provide anyone with a passport to hurt others or to freedon to cheat. I agree with Xpert, everyone's accountable for their actions. You have every right to be angry and yet you don't sound angry.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: friend | 2005/11/27

Dear Anonymous
Sorry for your bad experience!!!
I think that I know what you have been going through.
I think it is the right thing to do - divorce.
I do not think he lied to you on purpice(just can't get the word right) when you got married.
May be he thought that this homosexual feelings will go away, the way I did.At a certain stage it is not that strong - and he heterosexual feelings is as strong or stronger.
The attitude from sociaty contributes towards this denial a great lot - and you do what every body do - find a wife and get married.
Only to find out your homosexual feelings do'nt go away.
I am sure he loves you - from your previous posting I also see it- people thought you were a great couple.
I can just imagine what you are going through now!!!
Why would you luke to tell people the reason for you divorce? Please think twise about this. I know it will be difficult, but try and keep your respect through this process.
I would like to suggest that you seek pof. help in dealing with all this negetive feelings- otherwise it will kill you long after the divorce.There is still lots of life after 33!
May be not much help - but I tried! Good luck!
PS he should accept his homosexuality now and not get involve in a heterosexual relationship again.Visiting sex shops is just another way of denial.

Reply to friend
Posted by: Anonymous | 2005/11/27

Another thing. He said that he might actually hook up with another woman. What a slap in the face. I did tell him that if he has the audacity to do that, then he must make sure she is bi-sexual too, or at least tell her that he is. That would be the honourable thing to do - rather than ruin another woman's life. I think he wants to live with a woman and have affairs with men. He actually suggessted that he bring home another bi-sexual man and we have a threesome, as an alternate to us getting divorced or seperating. Clearly he wants his cake and he wants to eat it. I told him where he can get off. Bloody cheek.

Reply to Anonymous

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