Posted by: What do I do | 2004/11/09

Bewildered by behaviour

I was in a relationship with a 41 year old woman (she has never been married, has no children, unlike her sisters and brother , who have two children each), I am in my 40ties too. She is a very introverted person, she does not have one friend in life, and spends every day of the week and week ends visiting her parents, who live about 5km away. When I met her, she was using Zolof and valium. She hardly ever eats, we never had any meals at home together, only when we went out.

She is never happy, has a very unusual attitude to sex (she would never allow me to go down on her-said she would get an infection- she never went down on me, said she would gag) I had to sleep in the spare room, and if I tried to initiate any form of closeness, that could lead to sex, she found an excuse to chastise me, or to put me down, and so we would not have any.

On week ends, she spend Saturday mornings at her local church, assisting the ministers wife (who provides therapy for couples) In return for her help (every saturday morning) she received free counselling from the ministers wife. After her saturday morning at the church, she would go to be with her parents, and stay there for meals. On Sunday mornings, she went to church with her parents, and after that she would go around to spend the day with them. I was totally ostracised by her parents and her, because I did not agree with her spending all this time with them. There is nothing wrong with them health wise, just an abnormal possessive and controlling attitude towards their children.

She never showed me any affection, and our relationship was loveless, yet she proclaimed to love me, she never ever showed me any love. She was insanely jealous, of anyone, friends wives that greeted me, totall strangers that might end up talking to me. I never gave her any cause to be jealous, as I was totally faithful to her.

She seemed to enjoy emotionally hurting and abusing me, everytime she came back from a daily visit to her parents, she vented her anger on me. She never told me why she dispised me and resented me so. Her Mother is very snobby and materialistic person, she tries to pretend what she is not, but everyone that know her has seen through her.

They claim to be born again Christians (although their origins are of Jewish extraction), but their attitude towards people is far from that. They are penny pinchers, they gloat at others misfortunes, exploit their maids and constantly talk about other people.

I put up with so much mental abuse. I had been made redundant from my work, and I guess she resented me so much. She never spoke to me about anything, although one would think that someone who holds down a position in research should be capable of conversation -she was'nt. She seemed to always discuss everything with her mother, I was always kept in the dark about everything. I know she had a failed relationship before me, but all the blame was placed on the guy.

We were going to get married earlier this year, but thank God, she had one of her emotional attacking sessions on me, because she was insanely jealous of her own sister, and the wedding was called off , by her mother.

Is it normal for someone of her age to be "living" at her parents place, and to put no effort into her "relationship"? I begged her for us to go for joint counselling, but both her, and her parents said there was nothing wrong with her, and that I needed the counselling. Her one sister had told me a couple of years ago, that she suffered from a chemical imbalance, and that the parents, especially the mother had covered it all up, and would not allow it to come out.

I feel so stupid, I cant believe that I thought she would change and become happy and enjoy life. Its has drained and almost destroyed me, living with a malcontent, that constantly emotionally abused me. It did almost drive me to desperation, and I begged her to stop treating me like muck, but it just fell on her deaf "Christian" ears.

is there a condition (is it Bi Polar??) by which these people go by? She was asked by the ministers wife (during a therapy session) whether she was abused as a child, and she said NO! but why would she have such a negative attitude towars a normal loving sexual relationship. I know that her Mother makes the father sleep in the spare room, and I have asked her whre she sleeps when she stays over at night. She would not answer and became angry and protective of her parents.

I really need closure with this (I have moved and left her) as it has been painful for me, and I would dearly appreciate your professional view on this, so that I can put it all behind me and move on with my life. Thank you

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

wdId, Reading your message, I can't help but wonder why you want to have a relationship with this woman so set in her solitary ways. And if she has received free "counselling" from the minters possibly unqualified and untrained wife, then that free counselling was worth exactly what she paid for it. Such lay "therapists" can often do more harm than good.
Why on earth would you want to put up with callous abuse from such an unpleasant woman, so addicted to her similarly unpleasant parents ? You sound really lucky that the wedding got called off. This is not bipolar disorder or any other sort of easilt treatable disorder, but sounds more like a profound personality disorder, which could well be untreatable because she finds no fault in herself and sees nothing needing to be treated.
Set yourself free, you deserve so very much more than this.
Remain free, congratulate yourself on what you have escaped from, and don't feel any guilt at all. It wasn't your fault, and you seem to have tried much, much harder than she ever deserved. Congraulations on regaining your freedom.

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Our users say:
Posted by: PARIS | 2004/11/09

Really dude, i think the light at the end of the tunnel was the end of this relationship. You wouldn't be a person if you married her. You'd be a robot. And probably end up very messed up in the end.

Count your blessings that you got out when you did. Yes you have some damage done to your heart. Go see some one about it, and move on & be happy once again in life.

Its yours for the taking.


Reply to PARIS
Posted by: What do i do | 2004/11/09

Hi Paris, no, she has made no attempt, as I left her a note explaining how she had hurt me by the terrible emotional treatment of me, and that her mother was also to blame for the break up. She will not hear one word against her mother, so she probably rushed off to her with the note, and they have said Good ridance to me too. Which is great, you cant believe how frustrating it is to be around false hypocrites, its painful.

She will end up hurting a lot, as she knows that she will never get anyone, she did confide that once, I taught her so much about life, the birds and the bees.

Thanks too to Kernel, your advice is comforting.

Shucks, i have no comment to make for your attack and lack of empathy. I hope you never falter in your life, boet!!

Reply to What do i do
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/11/09

Good riddance to her. She has indeed proved that you would never have a happy life with her. Sounds like a mentally and emotionally disturbed person to me - she probably needs some serious counseling in that department.

Move on - just read your posting with all the negatives - what more do you need to get closure? You had a narrow escape and have a new chance for happiness - grasp it with both hands.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: schuks | 2004/11/09

what is you point about her 12 year od niece? my man i think you should focus on one issues and get over it. don't crush her and everything around her, look for professional help befo you lose you it.

Reply to schuks
Posted by: PARIS | 2004/11/09

Has she contacted you since the split.

Dont know my friend. This lady seems VERY emotionally traumatised and sounds like she's happy being that way.

I think the best thing to do in this case would be to concentrate on you, and what you need.

How much more emptiness can this lady offer you? and why would you want that any way?


Reply to PARIS
Posted by: what do I do | 2004/11/09

Thanks lady nina, I just can not believe that we could not talk about it, she never talked about anything, we never watched TV together, on the odd occasion when we got to have sex, I felt very guilty, as her expression was very weird, she would put her thumb into her mouth, and I got the impression that I was about to make love to a twelve year old. Incidently, her neice is twelve, and is her best and only friend, the neice expected to sleep in her bed with her when she slept over, and I remember on one occasion her neice asked her where she would have to sleep, as she wanted to sleep in her bed, and not in the spare room, I said well, it really makes no diffs, as I was in the spare room, why would she have to pretend that i stayed in the main room. When I was not there, the neice slept in her bed with her. I think she resented me being there, because it crampt her abnormal style with her parents and niece. I hurt about it though, as I invested a lot of emotion and money into this failed, failed thing

Reply to what do I do
Posted by: P | 2004/11/09

Ek verstaan nie wat jou probleem is nie, wat het jy gemaak by so 'n persoon oor wie jy al die negatiewe dinge skryf.

Reply to P
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/11/09

hi there

my dear friend this lady will never give you what you need
she is to different from you, go out and meet some one who will aprreciate you and treat you the way you deserve

if she can not be happy inside, she can not offer you anyhting

take care


Reply to lady nina

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