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Posted by: nt | 2005/06/29

Between a rock and a hard place

I have been with my bf for 2 years and living with him for 1. About a month ago he loaded me in the car and took me engagement ring shopping - so he doesn't buy the wrong ring he said. He also started talking about our wedding alot and who his best men would be and things like that. Being a stupid female I assumed that this was leading to an engagement. Last night he informed me that he isn't ready to take that step, and then goes on to tell me that I am pressuring him. Now I made a decision to never talk about marrige until he brings it up and I was really good and never did. But because of recent events I thought that we were heading in that direction and started getting excited, like woman do when they think they are going to plan their wedding. He said some nasty things to me and naturally I pulled away, pushing marrige to the back of my head. But now I am confused, why would he be so mean as to lead me to believe that he wants this and then change his mind. Then this morning he says no he gave it some thought and he wants to marry me now, and now he can't seem to understand that he is confusing me. I don't know if I want to marry someone who keeps changing his mind about where we are in our relationship or what he wants. Am I waisting my time with him?

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Our expert says:
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Well, for a man who doesn't feel ready to make the step of committing to an engagement, he has a most peculiar way of showing that ! You might ask him what were you supposed to think when he took you shopping for an engagement ring and started talking about choosing a Best man --- that he was planning a picnic ? Maybe you could indicate that while you quite like the idea of mariage, this on-again off-again approach is confusing for you. Maybe he could do with a couple of sessions with a counsellor to sort himself out ? If he's not consistently certain that he wants mariage, don't go ahead with it until he is.

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Our users say:
Posted by: CJ | 2005/06/30

I think he is just scared.
For my birthday my Fiance took me ring shopping, and we found the perfect ring, we got my size the works!
But I still did not see the ring for a while. While doing filing the one evening I found the receipt and he had brought the ring 2 months earlier! Cheek!
Anyway, he got down on one knee over Christmas and popped the question.
The thing was, he said he wanted to be 100% sure before he bought the ring, and then he was too nervous to ask me!

My advice, sit him down and be quite frank. Either he wants to marry you or he does not. If he says he does, then wait and see what happens. It is a huge commitment and make sure you are 100% sure yourself.

Reply to CJ
Posted by: careful | 2005/06/29

My dear be careful

he might actually be getting married for real but not to you, things you read on newspapers are not lies they do happen and one day you wake up only to realise he was plaaning a wedding all along but not with you

get him to be honest with but firstly be honest with yourself and tell him what you what. honestly and trust are the core foundation of a good relationship and it seems you guys lack that.

I know you love him but does he love you as much as he say he does, does he respect you and your feelings, and what does all this say about your future together?

be very careful and get him to talk about what he wants and where is he going in life.

just a little reminder not all good relationship must end in marraige, marraige is just a contract and not all women on this earth are going to be blessed enough to get married. think about it.

Reply to careful
Posted by: Jenna | 2005/06/29

He may just be scared. Many people get that way about weddings/commitment etc. I don't think he is delibrately trying to hurt you, he probably does not know how to deal with his fears. I suggest you guys have a 'heart to heart' conversation about this, tell him you understand hwo he feels, but he must also understand that he sometimes hurts and confuses you when he changes his mind about the wedding. Don't be too hard on him, he may just need some reassurance and understanding from your side.

Good luck

Reply to Jenna
Posted by: Petra | 2005/06/29

Does he or doesn't he want to get married. If he's in two minds then i don't think you should rush into marriage just yet. I mean he either wants to make you his or he doesn't. What he did was very wrong 'cos obviously you gonna get all excited. How could he change his mind? Really, if i was you i would not bring up marriage again.

Reply to Petra
Posted by: lady lee | 2005/06/29

hey have you ever thought he might be doing this to drop the
BIG SURPRISE on you...

otherwise he would know you are expecting to get engaged soon and would rather it be a surprise???

Tell him that he has hurt your feelings , making you a little confused but tthat you are willing to wait for him (that if you do love him) You need to be open and honest always for a relationship to work here!!!

Reply to lady lee
Posted by: bee | 2005/06/29

He is messing with your head honey. If he loves you, he will respect you and tell you exactly how things are and NOT confuse you, string you along and all those things.
If his not man enough to do that, then he is DEF not marriage material. PLEASE think this over.
Good luck!

Reply to bee

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