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Question
Posted by: Betrayed | 2004/10/28

Betrayal

Quick question: how does one put betrayal behind you, forgive, forget and move on with the relationship with no hard feelings towards the one that betrayed you?

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Our expert says:
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Excellent comments from Hmmm, Trish and Shaun. Take your time, there's no reason to hurry. YOu can't forget deliberately and by sheer effort ; indeed the harder you try to forget, the more that makes you remember. But forgetting may well come along if you leave that effort unattended. Forgiving ? I don't believe it is necessary to forgive in the sense of making the betrayer feel better about whatever they did ; but that forgiving is important in the sense of setting yourself free from bonds of bitterness tying you to that person and to whatever happened.
And time is an essential ingredient. If you can achieve all the goals you list in the firs few weeks, then you didn't really hav a relationship there in the first place. But with time, it will fade into perspective.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Trish | 2004/10/28

It is so hard to forget but easy to forgive out of life. My minor jealousy has turned into major insecurity through betrayal causing people unecessary hurt as my fears turn me into this nasty person whenever I feel uncomfortable. I'm not even the same happy person I used to be carrying all this negativity and anger with me. It isn't easy and giving up the person you love may not be the right direction to take if you know that person is repentful of what he/she did and you know that they do love you. To err once is human. To err twice, hit the road honey. I'm still dealing with my betrayal but I take it one day at a time bcos I know things will get better :)

Reply to Trish
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/10/28

Hi B,

From my experience I must tell that I don't think you will forget, but you can forgive. The betrayal has broken your trust. Trust is earned, not given away freely. So who-ever broke your trust by betraying you has to earn it if they want to.

So don't worry too much about forgetting, coz you won't find that easy, & besides, the not forgetting is a reminder to you that you just learnt a valuable lesson. But work on forgiving, as that can be done, if you really want to. People are people after all, & they will take advantage when given the opportunity.

Remember, once bitten, twice shy...

Have a great day,
Cheers,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Hmmm | 2004/10/28

Dear Betrayed,
Betrayal is on of those wounds like cut too deep sometimes.
You need to be able to reconcile in your mind, and your heart, that the betrayal will not happen again.
And once you get this right (sounds like a piece of cake, huh?), you need to be able to forgive. REally actually forgive.
It will take a lot from your side, and sometimes it takes too much, more than you can handle.
I could not get over betrayal and I just kept bringing it up even though I promised that I'd forgiven him - it caused more hurt for us than anything else.
So I've left him behind and I'm like a whole new person, because before I was constantly worrying. he would go out and I would wonder... my life stopped because worrying and wondering took over.
I left, I got my life back, because frankly he is no longer my worry. My life is my choice, and I chose to start living it again.
You need to make that painful choice now. Can you actually forgive, in your heart?

Reply to Hmmm

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