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Question
Posted by: HURTING AND CONFUSED | 2007/06/21

BEING REFUSED SEX & INTIMACY

I am 40. Married . I had a miscarriage. After my mis i bled 4 2 months. during this time my husband used to ask me to perform oral sex on him. during this time my husband had a dont care attitude towards me bleeding for so long. All my docs appointments i attented alone. only after the bleeding stopped he indicated his intentions. My husband will not have sex with me until I am sterilised as he does not want me to fall pregnant again. B4 the miscarriage we had great sex. Finding out at this stage i felt hurt and used as he should have told me at the onset of my mis. He will not have a vasectomy and thinks it is my place to have the sterilisation. I feel hurt and used. I have addressed the situation with him. He refused to discuss it further. Now he wouldnt even touch me. I love my husband and also sex is not the basis of our marrriage to me it is essential. after 18 yrs of marriage i think he is being selfish, immature. Not sure where to go from here

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Our expert says:
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Maybe he didn't care, maybe he was bothered but tried to pretend not to care. But his lack of proper attention to you must indeed have been upsetting and hurtful. His aversion to pregnancy --- does he not want another child, or does he not want you to run the risk of another , miscarriage ? Its an old and sexist attitude to expect the woman to have the larger operation for a sterilization and for the man to be squeamish about having the simpler procedure of a vasectomy. Overall, it does indeed sound as though he is being immature and selfish. Is there any way to persuade him to join you in marriage counselling to see what might be possible to work out ?

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