Posted by: Squirrel | 2013/01/11

be brutal


Guys, I need some advice. Yes, I am seeking insight into the workings of a man’ s mind! Short and sweet: We’ ve been dating for 6 months  we live some distance from one another and see each other as often as we can. I have a child, he doesn’ t  and he still hasn’ t met her (6 yrs old) - I’ ve on more than one occasion wanted them to meet, but due to her weekends away with her father, things haven’ t panned out. In the beginning he was “ keen”  to meet her, but now, I don’ t know - he says there is too much pressure involved in meeting her. Am I over anylising the situation? All other aspects of the relationship is great. I know where I want things to go with him  I’ m just not sure he feels the same way. I need some hardcore advice here - be brutal!

He has to meet her eventually, there is no way around it - she is apart of my life, whether he likes it or not. Should I kick him to the curb? That''s how I feel right now - that I am wasting my time!

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Posted by: Amasi | 2013/01/14

Though everyone is insisting that he does not love your child, I have dated someone whom I felt he was force feeding me the child. My automatic reaction was resistance, so I suspect that he is having the same feeling.
I have also dated others with kids where there was good relationship, so I am not anti child.

I also know that the oldest trick in the book of getting someone with a kid to fall for you big time, ignore her and just love the kid. Even if you declare that you are just passing time, she will fall for you head and toes.

On the list of things you should do to make your guy run is to play him that Puff Johnson song " God sent you" . it gives shirvers when one see that she really mean the lyrics of the song.


Reply to Amasi
Posted by: JR | 2013/01/11

The warning signs that this man is not going to accept your chiild are there. If he has not even met your child and is already negative, what is it going to be like when he does meet her, and she starts doing what kids do, and gets on his nerves.

It does not matter how great a guy he is and how much he cares for you, if he does not accept your child unconditionally, he is not the man for you.

I agree with cyclist that he is in it for the fun, and not the commitment or the perserverance that comes with a blended family. I think that if you force him to meet her, it is just going to add to the pressure, and is going to make him bolt. In your shoes though, this man would already be past tense, because my child comes first, and this man is clearly not interested in making the effort to meet her, so why would he make the effort with anything else regarding her?

Reply to JR
Posted by: Squirrel | 2013/01/11

Cyclist, that is exactly how I feel! It''s not like I hid it from him at all - I was upfront with him from the beginning. I''m not trying to pass him off as her father, she has one, one that loves her dearly, so I don''t need a ''replacement''. I am independent, have my own place, car, life... am not looking for financial comfort, am not desperate, or any of the above. I do feel that I am being taken for a ride here.... all the fun withouth reality smacking him in the face. We have done the family thing, met the parents, the sisters, the sister''s children.... on either side of the family, yet no contact with my child. Strange much?

I don''t want to scare him off, but something''s got to give! I''ll give it another month, two at the max. If he doesn''t want to meet her, after 8 months - then I don''t think it is worth my effort, especially if my baby comes second best.

Reply to Squirrel
Posted by: DH | 2013/01/11

I can just imagine how hard it must be for him if he is not used to kids. I didn''t grow up around little kids. I was never comfortable around kids until the birth of my daughters. You say he is a great guy and he seems to like you so the only thing in your way seems to be his fear.

Take it easy and don''t force the issue.

Reply to DH
Posted by: Cyclist | 2013/01/11

What a bunch of cr*p,you have been dating for SIX months for crickey''s sake.Surely you should know each other more than enough to be able to introduce your child to him.
Sounds to me like this guy wants to have the fun with you but not the responsibility that will come with a child.
Personally,I would insist that you have a meeting soon.You can find some form of outing that they can slowly be introduced.Over time you can then start extending the period.
If he does not want this or does not involve her when you are together,dump him.SIX MONTHS is plenty of time.
These men make me sick,as much as these idiots that don''t pay maintenance for their children.

Reply to Cyclist
Posted by: Amasi | 2013/01/11

There are few things you should avoid on a new relationship as the guy feels he is getting himself in a trap.

You must not force him to meet your parents, of course if they ask to see him you can invite him.

Ask him to buy you a ''dressing'' ring, that reads engagement

Force him to play daddy into your kid. That spells desparate! It also says she only wants a dad for her kid not a lover.

Oh, when with him you are allowed to talk about your kid but only 2% unless it is absolutely necessary. He is in a relationship with you not the kid, yes WITH YOU. He needs to bond with you first.

The good way of introducing them is not an outing first but a 2 minutes meeting. Like meeting the kid when you take her to saloon. or start by simple greeting.

Lastly, if I was in his shoes I would postpone that meeting as much as possible. no much reason but simple discomfort.


Reply to Amasi
Posted by: Squirrel | 2013/01/11

Wow Big Lady, some men (not all - some) need a kick in the rear. Thanks for the advice! I''ll do as you suggested, DH - read the situation and perhaps organise meeting at a later stage, give it a month or so and take it from there.

Reply to Squirrel
Posted by: Big Lady | 2013/01/11

Well it all depends on you sweety but thers no rush here, mna i know and believe you me i dont regret my decision at all...

he disappeared because of he was not ready to be a father and i said to him its okay i understand only to find out he has two kids and he was never involved in their lives and today he is thanking me because of i told him to reconcile with the mothers of his kids and the rest will follow and it did,

anyways please be careful for the sake of your precious beautiful daughter

Reply to Big Lady
Posted by: Squirrel | 2013/01/11

That''s the thing, I don''t want her to get attached and it all goes up in flames. She is well aware of him. It just kills me that I have to make arrangements to have her visit with family while I go off to spend time with him. It feels like I am brushing her off to satisfy myself. He is a great guy, and I don''t want to ruin things between us, but the fact is, I have a child - and she is part of the deal.

It''s all so confusing!

Reply to Squirrel
Posted by: Big Lady | 2013/01/11

Lady becareful when it comes to that, yes he knows you have a child but i repeat but you gota becareful cc, you need to protect your child as well and you have to talk to her and try and find out from her how would she feel if mama can be in a relationship i mean in this day and age you talk to your kids,

Secondly do not intriduce your child to someone who is not ready or else you will regret it am sure you dont want your kid to be attached and the next thing the guy decides to disappear so you have to be careful on that one

Thirdly when you with your man always try and atleast tell her about what ever activity that you did with her and see if he is listening or not coz you can tell when he is interested to hear or not, i mean someone who cares about you will always ask how is the child how is she doing at school and all that,

Word of Advice: even if ita takes a year to introduce him to your daughter theres nothing wrong with that because you need to be sure first about him before you introduce him to your child , 6months is too soon for you to think you know the guy.

Reply to Big Lady
Posted by: DH | 2013/01/11

I think that he finds the prospect of meeting her daunting. The guy is probably $h1t scared because he doesn''t know how to deal with kids. I think that you should engineer a meeting where your daughter will be happy, like an outing. So you have a special day where the three of you will go and do something that your daughter likes to do. He needs to understand that the issue is your daughter needs to be comfortable with him and that him being apprehensive makes it worse. Tell him what your daughter likes and tell him to get her a little gift.

Don''t f_ck the relationship up because the guy is scared of not being accepted by your daughter.

Reply to DH

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