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Question
Posted by: proppie | 2003/02/16

bad relationship

Hi doc,
I am desperate, I have a stephson who is making life absolutely miserable for me and my husband. I have a wonderful marrage (now after all the kids are grown-up and not in school anymore.

The only problem is the son (I shall call im A):(Background, he has two sisters who grew up with his mom, A grew up with us) His dad would always make excuses for him from the age of 10, he was over protecting his son, and would go to extremes to put the blame on me when I had a problem with A) I knew that this is not the answer to his upbringing, but hubbie di not see this.

Eventually he was expelled from college later about 2 years ago, after plenty problems, he would dissapear every weekend, come back Sunday Evening full of scratches 'fights' and what knows what. I was under extreme stress during those years. He broke into our house twice, kicking down doors and furniture with his friend.

It seems like his getting great pleasure 'hurting his father and me. It was no secret that he would do anything to cause friction between me and his dad. To make a long story short, when A turned 20 his dad told him to go and look for a job, and do something with his life.

He is a compulsive lier, steal anything, to get sigarettes and alcohol. His dad got him a job (good) he could have become very successfl, but he messed up within 3 weeks and was fired.

The same pattern was part of his life the past 2 years. I have come to the end of patience and tollerance, I do not know how to cope with this behavious any longer, and told his dad, that A is not allowed to stay close to us, as long he is up to this spiteful deliberate misbehaviour.

He was rejected by his mother since the divorce case of their mom and dad.

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Our expert says:
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Dear proppie,
Sounds as if he has been rejected by his mother, and maybe blames you for somehow causing that as pat of the divorce ; and, because he can't take it out on her, takes it out on you and his dad.
Anyhow, he sounds like a truly screwed up kid, and it sounds perfectly reasonable to say that he should not say close to you or visit you until he can get round to cleaning up his act. If Dad still feels sorry for him, why not express that in the form of organizing and maybe even paying for, the kid to see a therapist to work on his problems, rathr than making it easier for the boy to cause greater problems. There's no reason why you should have to tolerate his behavour --- though he might be encouraged to know that he could be wlcomed ack ino the family circle once he can control his misbehaviour.

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Our users say:
Posted by: SAME SITUATION | 2003/02/17

THERE IS NO HOPE FOR YOU. THE FACT BEING THAT THIS CHILD'S FATHER WILL / CANNOT SEE ANYTHING AMISS IS THE PROBLEM. THE OLD AGE - BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER APPLIES HERETO - NO MATTER WHAT THIS CHILD DOES HIS FATHER WILL ALWAYS DEFEND HIM AND HAVE A REASON FOR AN EXCUSE. YOUR PERSONAL WELLBEING AND HEALTH (PHYSICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH) WILL BEGIN TO SUFFER NO MATTER HOW A GOOD MARRIAGE YOU HAVE. IT IS PITY THAT THESE FATHER CANNOT SEE THAT THEY ARE THROWING AWAY A MARRIAGE THAT CAN LAST A LIFE TIME. THESE FATHERS WILL SIT ALONE ONE DAY AND THINK OF WHAT A GOOD MARRIAGE THEY HAD AND WONDER WHERE THEIR CHILDREN ARE - AS AT THIS TIME THEY (THE CHILDREN) HAVE WRITTEN OFF THE PARENTS.

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