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Question
Posted by: jack | 2004/01/19

bad for people ?

My recent breakup with my girlfriend ( initiated by her ) was very traumatic for me.(The reason was substance abuse) It was my first long term relationship ( im 29) After being angry with her for a long time i now realize what I did was actually trap her into a relationship with me.
She was 38 stayed with her parents and had a child by another relationship. I realized now that the only reason I started this relationship was because i was lonely. In retrospect i did not love, or even like her.I used her child (2 yrs) ,whom I would much rather have out of the way, in order to get close to her and her family. She was unemployed and stayed with her parents in the UK. I bought her expensive gifts and gave her money whenever i could but this was only to make her reliant on me.Even though the relationship was doomed from the start -- i persevered, lying and emotionally blackmailing her.
I never hurt her physically and I consider myself a "kind' person but the dishonesty and manipulation i used subconsciously frightened me.
Now i am paying for what i did but i am quite sure the breakup hurt her and scarred her daughter for life.
I have left rehab and am leading a "clean" albeit lonely life.
I am not actively looking for another relationship and am scared of moving into another as despite my good intentions all i manage is to hurt people. Any advice ?

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Our expert says:
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Dear jack,
Well, it sounds as if you have at least achieved not merely rehab in the sense of getting chemically fre of the drugs, but a good degree of insight into what you have done wrong in the recent past. FOlks who get hooked by drugs / alcohol, are often people who feel uncomortable in human relationships, and built their primary relationship with the chemicals, instead. What you did was clearly not a good idea, and may have been disappointing for the lady and her child, but fortunately, I doubt that they'll be "scarred for life", and should be able to recover, sadder but wiser.
You can resolve never to allow yourself to do that sort of thing again ; but also, obviously, need to deal with the problem of chronic loneliness. A counsellor can help you to work on the reasons for your loneliness, for your discomfort in having an honest and open relationship with someone else. Also, you could usefully look to develop some healthy and wholesome ( ie non-chemical ) hobies and pasttimes, to get to know other people with shared interests, and to get used to company and friendships, as a basis for later developing more serious interpersonal relationships.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: J | 2004/01/19

Remember how shitty it feels now to know what you did to other people and remember it before you even try going into another relationship.

Thats my advice.

Reply to J

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