Our expert says:
I wish forming couples would talk more carefully and practically, not only of what they WANT - he "wanted" a child, even though he was unemployed, the pair of you barely knew each other, and neither of you were well placed to bring up a happy child ( the decision out to be about the child, not only what the bio-parents "want".
Then you fel pregnant - how did you feel betrayed ? Didin't the pair of you voluntarily do the things that often do lead to pregnancy ? If he fled and failed to support you in the pregnancy, I'd understand a sense of betrayal.
Was it really fair not to tell him you were pregnant ? It was, after all, his child as well as yours.
If the public sctor services take 5 months to decide on an abortion, that is disgracefully negligent. And the ultimate decision should be taken by a doctor, not only a nurse.
And it was wickedly irresponsible for an abortion clinic, state or private, not to provide for proper counselling both before the decision and afterwards - that was cruelly lousy health care.
Only after a refused safe abortion, and further abortion attempts did you decide to tell him ?
You don't mention your family or his - are they choosing to be uninvolved, or have you both decided to exclude them ?
You sound really depressed and unfortunately feeling hatred for the baby who is the only totally innocent party here. Have you not discussed this with the doctor you presumably see at the clinic ? People should be able to help you, but of course need to be told that help is needed.
Tell the doctor and your bf exactly how you feel, and explore the alternatives. It may be too late for an abortion, but for instance you could arange for an adoption - there are many loving couples out there desperate to adopt a child, with none available to them. That way the innocent child could get loving parents, and you could get helped with your depression and some more realistic life planning, and work towards a happier life ahead.
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