Posted by: Mpho | 2012/11/15

baby daddy

hi everyone

can i please get an opinion, i have a child with my ex, and we broke up in not so good circumstances. But we decided to be civil towards eachother for the sake of the baby. My problem is that where do we draw the line, because we made it clear that we will only talk about the baby. But lately he is calling to ask about the baby and thereafter the will start to chat about general things or about his life and asking me also how am i doing in life. I feel like i dont want us to be friends.

he also email me asking about the baby and work and all sort of things... sometimes i decided just to answer questions about the baby only. the rest ignore.

the worse part is that we are staying in different provinces, now previously he used to sleep on my house and sleep there. now that we are apart he still asked for accommodation on a spare-room to visit his kid.. will i be wrong to ask him to book for himself a hotel?

Am i being rude/unreasonable or impossible when i try to draw the line, or there''s no harm in been friendly with each-other.

I just don''t want him to think that there''s a chance of us getting back together.

please advice. thank you

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Our expert says:
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Its far more difficult to remain friends than most people think. Better plan to remain polite and civil, as you decided. Maybe at times he feels a bit lonely, but you don't have to respond to his invitations to chat - you can give vague responses and change the subject.
As for him staying with you, that could of course cause problems - lets see what others readers suggest. Does he have other family or friends with whom he could stay ? COuld someone else of your family or friends stay with you at the same time, so he wouldn't be alone with you, if you did allow him to stay briefly with you ? Either way, you'd need to give him a calm chat about how the relationship really is over, and how it'd not be wise to spend extra time together or to become too friendly again.
Has he expressed any opinion as to how he wants things to go, and whether he udnerstands the idea of a polite but cool relationship now ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: WPD | 2012/11/18

Sleeping over would cause problems for you in future if and when you decide to move on with your life.

Reply to WPD
Posted by: Girl | 2012/11/16

I think if you are over with him, you need not to worry because even if he can come and sleep in your house, if you made it clear to him that its only for the sake of his kid nothing more then he suppose to respect that.
I was once in your situation, but because I knew that I''m not inlove with the father of my boys anymore, but since the kids loves their daddy I didn''t mind him coming in and sleep over during other weekends. He used to come and think that he will twist my mind but the last time he came I clearly told him that what we had is gone and it will never come back again, if we can even try which means I will be fooling him and of which thats not what I want. He could see that he doesn''t stand a chance because I was not harsh with him, I was just being honest, but guess what, he never wanted to come and visit his kids again. Well I told my boys everything since they are old enough now to understand. When I checked it I could see that it was not about kids other than he wanted to come back to me and of which I couldn''t because I dont have love for him no more.

Make everything clear to him before he even come so that he knows for sure that its only for the kid, nothing else and no expectations of any kind at all.

Reply to Girl
Posted by: Mpho | 2012/11/15

Thank you everyone for the response. I don''t mind been friendly for the sake of the child. i know him, he will want to soft-talk me,

@SC unfortunately he doesn''t know anyone in this town. I did explain that its over between us, but he still apologize for what went wrong. So i don''t want him to get wrong impression that i may take him back in the future and at the sametime i appreciate the efforts he is making as a father to build the relationship with his child.

I guess if he cant afford a Hotel, i will just have to ask a Cousin to come and sleepover with me.

Reply to Mpho
Posted by: Maria | 2012/11/15

A friend of mine has been in this situation. For her child''s sake she allowed the dad to come and sleep over and was still friends with him after they broke off. Unfortunately he then came to the conclusion that this means she still has feelings for him. She had to stop the sleepovers, and now he sees less of his son as he has to use public transport to get there and back and he just can''t be bothered apparently. It''s very sad for the kid who craves his father''s attention, but if the father doesn''t step up and do his duty by his kid, it''s not the mother''s problem. I agree with with anon said.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Anon | 2012/11/15

Your not being rude or unreasonable in my opinion. He can and should book himself into a hotel if he wants to came visit the child, no need to feel that you are being rude about it, he is the one asking to impose on you and cause you to feel uncomfortable in your own home. It''s your home and you can decide who is welcome and who not, and to me, having him stay there would be crossing a boundry.

You could explain to him politely that you simply do not want to be friends with him as it makes you feel uncomfortable or you can just make it clear in a polite way that while you wish for the two of you to remain friendly, nothing else will come if it. Personally I don''t see the harm in being friendly with each other, you can perhaps answer questions about hows work or life etc. It doesn''t have to be drawn out conversations, he might just genuinely be curious about how you are doing, you are after all taking care of his child. But yeah, I would not put him up when he comes to visit the child, definitely would make me feel uncomfortable.

Reply to Anon

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