Posted by: NN | 2005/07/14

Awhole new me.

After months of being depressed, I have finally got rid of all the luggage in my life and started on a clean slate.
Being at the same company for 4 years and never getting anywhere. Being told yesterday that after 4 yrs, I must start paying R180 per month out of my own pocket just to park on the premises. Being the same boring position and seeing the same old miserable faces everyday. Just handed in my resignation this morning. In a months time, I will be working for a wonderful company. I will have a fantastic position and I was told that in a few months time, there will definitely be growth for me. I am happy to be leaving the place that has given me no appreciation at all.

After a year of being with someone who was so self- consumed - I decided to pull the plug. At first it was like dream come true and I thought I have met the man of my dreams. Instead I got to know the true him and it was not pretty. So controlling. I lost all my friends because of him. I had to ask him if I wanted to leave the house. He could go out and mess me around and spend nights out at Strip clubs but I had to stay at home because he had "trust issues" with me. How must I feel when he goes out just to see some chick show her guava at him. All the lies and secrets. He denies ever messing me around but I have a feeling he did - just cannot prove it. Every 3 months I would have to change for him because he did not like who I was. at the end I did not even know who I was myself. I did not even know how to make myself feel happy. Got told that he did not care about my feelings and whether he hurt me or not. All he could say was that he is an insensitive and nasty person and I must just deal with it.

Why did I stay with him an put up with this crap day after day? Because I thought it would get better. There were days when he was genuinely nice to me and I actually believed that he loved and cared for me. We were engaged and had a future planned together and I did not want anything (big or small) to come between us. And if we wanted a future together, then we had to work on our problems.
I loved him in the beginning but then he changed and my love for him slowly disappeared. I was hoping that my love would return but instead it turned into hate. He kept throwing hurtful remarks at me, kept on bringing me down and used his status and power as a hold over me. Every time I voiced my opinion, I was told to pack my bags and F*** off out of his home.

I made sure that his clothes were always washed and were ironed for work. That the house was clean. And made sure that he had a cooked meal when he came home from a hard days work. All I was, was a glorified maid. The trophy wife. The pretty young wife who would sit at home and do house work, while he is out at sleazy joints. Being laughed at behind my back by his colleges coz they knew what he was up to and I had no clue.

I have been on anti-depressants for 3 months, just so I can cope with my relationship. I am happy but feel like a zombie. I want to be naturally happy and want someone to make me happy.

So I have packed my bags and left. I am too good for his shit and I do not deserve it. I am staying by a friends house (the only friend I have left) and I am happy. I don't have to tell anyone where I am going for having someone follow me to the doctor just to make sure that I am actually at the doctor.
I am happy without him and I am ok with being alone. All I want are my friends and to feel appreciated. I left him with not much to my name and very little self confidence. But it was worth it. And showing him that I am doing great without him, will make me even stronger.

A new job and a new life- What more can I ask for?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

NN, sounds like you have made sensible and profitable decision in two major areas of your life. There is value in being hopeful, but not when it means that one behaves like a doormat who hopes to grow up to be a persian carpet. One is ALWAYS better off and happier alone than with an overcontrolling and hypocritical guy like you had.
Well done !
I agree with Liza's important point --- don't stop the antidepressants too soon and without checking with your shrink, and don't take any supplements or 5HTP ( a similar product, once marketed in the UK, caused terrible health problems ) on top of the antidepressant.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2005/07/14

I have to add my congratulations!

Something else I would like to add, is a warning - Don't stop your antidepressant too soon. Go to a psychiatrist for a full assessment of your mental health. He or she will be able to tell you the best way to stop the antidepressant that you are currently using.

And its not a good idea to drink ANY herbal supplements without a psychiatrist telling you that its safe. Doesn't matter what homeopath you go to, they will not be able to tell you what the interactions are. With some antidepressants there are very bad side-effects. Ideally you should wait at least 2 weeks before starting to drink herbal stuff too.

I always say that ephedrine was a herbal supplement before it became a schedule 2 medication, and then a schedule 5. Its addictive and just plain dangerous. I drink my vitamins to stay healthy.

Good luck with the new job ;)

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Sunshine | 2005/07/14

Your courage is admirable. Now its time to focus on your beautifull self, emotinally and physically. May the healing begin... ;-)

Oh, and to help sort that depression out:
5 HTP (Hydroxytriptophan) is a product sold in most health shops and, trust me, its awesome for combatting depression. It puts you in a good, energetic mood, but has absolutely none of the adverse side effects that conventional anti-depressants have (like feeling like a zombie). It doesnt put you in an "abnormally high" state unnaturally. With that, take a product called Rhodiola Rosea from Varidian (its a herb) and V2000 from Solgar (multivitamin), which will supply you with good energy, motivation and mindset. Note that going off conventional anti-depressants must be monitored though. Maybe find a good Homoeopath in the area, they have a holistic (mind, body, diet etc.) approach and will work through everything (from the way you feel, what fears you have, how your diet is affecting your mood etc.) with you.
I visited one, and have never regretted it since - i see my homoeopath twice a year, just to update him on my wellbeing and how we can make it even better! Please trust me on this ;-)

Take care

Reply to Sunshine
Posted by: Nonny | 2005/07/14

Good luck, I'm so proud of you. I was also in that situation. I moved out early last month from my house. I have a piece of my mind. No accusations, physical, emotional abuse. I'm alone by myself and not even ready for relationship at stage.

Reply to Nonny
Posted by: Keli | 2005/07/14

Good for you NN. Make the best of your new life and enjoy it.

Reply to Keli
Posted by: Joanne E | 2005/07/14

well done!

Reply to Joanne E
Posted by: Lola | 2005/07/14

Good for you! I am sure you will be much happier now! Screw him, i have never met the guy but can't stand the way he treated you.

Reply to Lola
Posted by: NN | 2005/07/14

He does not really care. Remember that he has those strippers to keep him happy every night. Don't care what he does with his life either.

Reply to NN
Posted by: Lola | 2005/07/14

YAY YAY YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well done NN, I am very proud of you, its taken you a while, but you have finaly realised your own self worth!

What did he say?

Reply to Lola
Posted by: Jemma | 2005/07/14

What a wonderful story!!!! I am so proud of you!!!!! You have a lot more guts that a lot of us. Be proud of yourself. It's also wonderful that you got a new job so now everything in your life can be new and exciting.

Good luck.

Reply to Jemma
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/07/14

NN, well done for standing up for yourself! And I hope you will be very happy in your new job. As far as your fiancee is concerned, you did the right thing. No person should ever change their being in order to please another. Your message is so positive and I hope you stick to your guns. Just one thing , you say "I want to be naturally happy and want someone to make me happy". This is something only YOU can achieve, it's not for someone else to "make" you happy, but being so positive at the moment, you'll soon come to see that happiness comes from within. Never allow another person to make you happy or unhappy, sure they can add to your happiness/unhappiness, but joy in life is something that bubbles from deep inside yourself. Best wishes and enjoy your new life!

Reply to Buzz

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