Posted by: Linzi | 2012/02/29

at crossroads

I actually just need to get some stuff off my chest and I have no-one to talk to so if you''re planning on judging me you can just go and read someone else''s problems.

I have been married almost five years to a wonderful man but the problem is I have never gotten over the love of my life even though its been over for ten years. We created a baby together and due to timing and circumstances it was agreed that I should have an abortion. (this is a separate issue altogether and something that still haunts me and I have regretted ever since)

I have often thought about this man and wondered where he was and if he was okay and whether he had any regrets on the choice that was made and the way we both handled the situation. He has always had a place in my heart and I feel such a strong connection to him still after all this time.

I feel such a strong ache in the pit of my stomach wishing I could rewind and have done things differently and wishing I could be there now for him as I know he is going through a hard time at the moment but I dont want to hurt my husband by having regular contact with my ex.

My hubby and I have been trying to conceive for over 3 years with no success and I would really love to have a family with him - but sometimes I wonder if I messed up the only chance of having a child and I also wonder that maybe we are not supposed to have children together. I really miss my ex and his sense of humour and how I felt when I was with him.. I have never had such a strong connection with anyone. When my husband and I make love I feel that there is nothing there on my side - that I am empty and sometimes dont want him to touch me.. all I can think about is my ex and how it felt to be with him in such an intimate way and I just feel that I want him back.

The last thing I want to do is hurt my husband but I feel so guilty it is making me feel ill because I want him to be the one I am thinking about constantly and wanting to make love to. He is such a good man, reliable, honest and loyal and would never do anything intentionally to hurt me whereas my ex broke my heart several times so I know I am an idiot wanting him back but I cant help how I feel.

Sometimes I think I shouldnt be married and I am praying that if my husband and I arent meant to be together that he will do something to hurt me or he will want out of the marriage because I really dont want to hurt him but sometimes I feel like I am living a lie and that everything is going to come crashing down.

Please dont judge me, I just needed to get out my feelings

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Er-Hem ! I don't sit here to judge people, and I need to read every posting ! However, I know there are some readers who simply seem to seek opportunities to judge others.
Do remember that "the one that got away", the lost love, has the perfect opportunity to grow in perfection in your memory, and has not had any opportunity to reveal any less desirable characteristics over the years - they have not even burped in your presence.
SO be cautious about idealizing and magnifying a happy memory, or allowing it to rival and diminish the very real and genuine love you have in your life at present.
You cannot go back and do things differently - you cannot step twice into the same river, because the water has flowed on and it isn;t the same as it once was.
You are not the woman you were in those days, and he is certainly not the same man you think you remember.
Unless there were relatively unusual gynae complications at the time of your earlier abortion, this is not likely to cause fertility problems at present, but a gynaecologist could assess this possibility and discuss it with you.
COnsider personal counselling to sort out your confused thinking about this idealized former relationship, and later maybe marriage counselling with your husband. You CAN help how you choose to feel about the fantasy man from the past, and a counsellor / psychotherapist can help you to review, assess and usefully change those assumptions you are insisting on living with.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: LINZI | 2012/03/01

Thanks Doc that helps!
I didnt mean that you would judge me.. I know you are more professional than that. I meant the other sick people that trawl this site to feed on other people''s issues

Reply to LINZI

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