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Question
Posted by: Ayanda | 2010/06/07

Argument with Partner

Last night I had a terrible fight with my man, and it so happened that my daughter over-head us, she is 11 years old. We locked ourselves in the room and made a big argument, over a woman who I thought/think he is seeing, but we manage to sort it out. This morning my child was withdrawn and not herself at all. I couldn''t say a word about the argument, since I feel embarrassed and now is the first time she sees us argue since we are a happy family. I chatted under general issues but she seemed so upset. I can''t even focus now, thinking that this will disturb her at school. How do I try to talk to her when I get home?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its understandable that you feel embarassed, but clearly you need to talk about this - you can't keep it a secret, because she heard much of it and saw some of it, and her imagination may make it seem even worse than it was.
lets see what other readers have to say here. I'd think you should approach it directly, saying that you feel very embarrassed about what happened, and that you know it could be bothering her - ask what she feels or thinks about it, and explain the argument in general terms ( the details are not so relevant to her ). Explain that sometimes even people who really love each other have serious arguments about things that make them very angry or sad, and that then they find a way to work these things out between them, and maybe things get better between tham than before.
Consider mariage counselling if this is a serious issue you and your husband find hard to sort out between you, and the counsellor might even suggest a couple of sessions your daughter could join in, to help her understand.
If you try to pretend it all didn't happen, you get what we call the Horse on the Dining-Room Table situation - it's as though a family gets together to eat supper, and finds a large horse sitting on the table, and everyone pretends i isn't there - whatever else they try to talk about, all any of them could think about, would be the horse.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/06/07

Its understandable that you feel embarassed, but clearly you need to talk about this - you can't keep it a secret, because she heard much of it and saw some of it, and her imagination may make it seem even worse than it was.
lets see what other readers have to say here. I'd think you should approach it directly, saying that you feel very embarrassed about what happened, and that you know it could be bothering her - ask what she feels or thinks about it, and explain the argument in general terms ( the details are not so relevant to her ). Explain that sometimes even people who really love each other have serious arguments about things that make them very angry or sad, and that then they find a way to work these things out between them, and maybe things get better between tham than before.
Consider mariage counselling if this is a serious issue you and your husband find hard to sort out between you, and the counsellor might even suggest a couple of sessions your daughter could join in, to help her understand.
If you try to pretend it all didn't happen, you get what we call the Horse on the Dining-Room Table situation - it's as though a family gets together to eat supper, and finds a large horse sitting on the table, and everyone pretends i isn't there - whatever else they try to talk about, all any of them could think about, would be the horse.

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