Posted by: Cate | 2005/07/22


How often should a grown up child (25) visit her parents?
Why everytime I can't make it for a visit does my mother sigh and basically force an "ok" out and then its "but I miss you" "I never see you" and the tears start welling up?????
I used to visit once a week for dinner but I don't live around the corner and it was getting to much as my husband and I have quite a busy schedule. I then said I can't make it every week but we will try and pop around on the weekends which we do (not every weekend but I try). Lately I have been under so much stress, work is busy and I have alot of things on the cards so time has been very sparse and yet, once a week on my way to work I make a detour to drop off muffins at my moms. I know I only "stick my head in the door" but I am on my way home from work. But, every week it is.... Can you not stay a few minutes.. and today again the tears start welling.... I MUST BE THE WORST DAUGHTER EVER. My whole day is ruined as I wallow in my guilt which turns to anger. If I went home and sat on the couch every night I could say yes I should make more of an effort to go over but I really am busy and in my free time I also have to see my friends and husbands family but when I do am feeling so guilty about not being at my parents. WHEN WILL I STOP FEELING GUILTY. My sister lives overseas and NEVER here them saying "we miss her" and need to see her.
What should I do?????????
Does anyone else go through this.
There must be a hundred things I feel guilty about and it is really bugging me lately I think my stress and guilt is taking a toll on my life.

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Seeing how common this problem actually is, and how skilled some parents are at it, you'd think that Making Kids Feel Guilty was one of the primary tasks of a parent. But it isn't. Hunt around online, and see if you can find the classic and brilliant book "How to Be a Jewish Mother" ( the author points out from the start that one need be neither Jewish nor a mother to be a Jewish Mother ). SHe buys you, for your birthday, a red and a blue T-shirt. You thank her, and rapidly put on the nearest one, the red one. She bursts into tears, and says :"I knew it ! You HATE the blue shirt !"
And someone, somewhere must give lessons in those powerful sighs. Remember, that some moms have their own special variety of masochism, in which they actually enjoy a particular form of martyrdom, and will be skilled at interpreting nearly every action or inacion on your part, as neglect. The reporter asks the astronaut's mother, soon after SA's first woman astronaut has landed on Mars, "have you a message for your daughter ?" "Yes," she says, " Why can you never take the time to call your mother ?"
Set yourself free, recognize that both by your vists and your absences, you are contributing to her self-image and her enjoyment. Interesting, too, how they only do this to excellent children --- the worst daughter in th world never gets made to feel this way, but may get treated like royalty on the once a decade visits she makes.
I like VM's comment --- remember it IS a sign of how much she loves you, and be happy that she is still around to annoy and challenge you.
In a situation like

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Mellow | 2005/07/22

True VM, but again in my case my parents rejected me as a child and now that I am growm up they want to make up for it. Sure I want to grant them that oppurtunity because I have forgiven them, however I do have a live of my own as well as my own family and kids who I definitely don't want to make the the same mistakes as my parents did with me.

I think there are certain circumstances and degrees of relativity in this case.

Reply to Mellow
Posted by: VM | 2005/07/22

Are you guys listening to yourselves? What if something happened to your mothers? You can be lucky that they do love you, and want your attention.

My mom can also irritate me when she calls incesently and asks when I am coming to see her, but I take it as a reasurance of her love for me.

You will miss her when she is gone

Reply to VM
Posted by: S | 2005/07/22

Dear Cate,

my mom does it as well. The worst part of my situation is that my mom lives with me. After work I go straight to my boyfriend's place and go home at about 9am every night. My mom still fights with me, she feels that I am not spending enough time with her. I make sure that at least one all night I spend with her. But she still fights and makes me feel as if I am the worst daughter in the entire world. If this was so true then why would she be staying with me or why would I be surporting her financially.

Reply to S
Posted by: Sunshine | 2005/07/22

Hey Cate,
Cant really offer you any substancial advice, but just to let you know that my mom does it as well. It almost feels like im responsible for her unhappiness everytime she has an emotional episode about me.She loves playing the emotional blackmail card saying things like "I wish I loved her enough to give her some of my attention". But no matter how I try to compensate (like the muffins you take around to her house etc.), its just not enough. I think its cause they are a bit lonely and know that they have the power to make us feel "guilty", so they play that emotional card to get attention out of us...

SureCS can offer some great advice ;)
Take care

Reply to Sunshine

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.