Posted by: Carey | 2007/07/09

Any advice please

My husband has one son of 11. Since Oct son has been alternating one week with us, then one week with his mom. His mom is married with 18month old baby. I have 2 kids that live with me, 4 & 6, and see their dad every 2nd w/end.

We got married 18 months ago and lived in my home. Stepson wanted to come and live with us one week on - one week off. So we built a house with 4 beds.

There are differences in the two households, but not major. He has been mollycoddled by his mom and dad due to their guilt over divorce. Cant do things for himself nor think for himself. Is very ME orientated. But still a nice child given the circumstances. He gets on well with my 2 kids, they adore him. We treat him the same as my kids. They all get moaned at if they are in the wrong. I have never mollycoddled him, just loved him firmly as my kids are.

Now living with us, things aren't that FUN anymore. Preivously he used to arrive on a Fri and we would have a fun weekend together. NOw it's homework, eating, bathing, chores, etc. Normal life.

Now he wants to stay with mom full time agian.

My husband sobbed his eyes out. Hubbie says perhaps he should give son up. Just send mainteneance.

When they wanted to do this one wk on, one wk off, I stayed out of it, only supporting. It was between him and his bio parents.

Please assist.

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Our expert says:
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OK, so he sounds like a nice kid who has been spoiled by inappropriately guilty parents ( who probably ought to feel more guilty about spoiling and over-indulging him than over the divorce). Apparently the pevious arrangement meant that in a real sense you had only the best of each other --- the fun, weekend times ; and now have to share the chores of homework, etc. Its terribly sad that this thoughtless boy has so deeply hurt his loving nfather, apparently for no very clear reason. Is there a possibility that a meeting of the adult trio of you could sort out a better plan for handling this ? Or is there a possibility that his mom has been angling to achieve this result ?
Though the views of a child need to be taken into account, he shouldn't be encouraged to chop and change the access arrangements for small and petty reasons. Maybe a counsellor in even one or two sessions could morem clearly understand what is going on with the boy ?

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