Posted by: SR | 2008/10/30

Answering " Why did they do it"  question

A good reference for all those who ever wanted to know why? (good article on


You' ve probably heard that men cheat for physical reasons, women for emotional reasons. Sure, there' s some truth to that, but when we asked real women around the country to share why they strayed from their boyfriends, we learned they had a whole host of explanations— from bad kissing to sheer revenge. Read on for the truth about why women have given in to temptation.

Reason #1: There' s no passion
" I had been with John for about three years— he was a really nice guy, and I enjoyed being with him, but there wasn' t a ton of passion. Most everyone we knew had gotten engaged, and though John would have proposed in a second, whenever he brought it up, I' d change the subject. I took a trip to Australia for work, and while I was gone, I got together with a co-worker to whom I' d always been insanely attracted. I had a fantastic trip, probably because for the first time in a long time I experienced that excitement I' d been missing. I broke up with John soon after I returned home, and began dating the guy from the trip. Even though I' m not super-proud of my actions, things ended up for the best: After dating for a few years, the guy from the trip and I got married, and we' re incredibly happy together." 
–  Giselle, 30, Montvale, NJ

Reason #2: To delay a breakup
" Right before I was going to break up with my ex, Sean, he found out that he had to put his beloved dog to sleep. He was so broken up about it that I didn' t have the heart to end things, so I waited a month or so until he was in better shape. When things seemed to be better and I was ready, he lost his job, so I felt like I was back to square one! By that time, I had met someone else that I really wanted to start seeing, so I went ahead and did it. I eventually ended things, never telling Sean about my extra-curricular dating. I think I rationalized that I was trying to spare his feelings." 
–  Stacy, 30, Lexington, KY

Reason #3: Because absence doesn' t make the heart grow fonder
" My boyfriend Greg and I decided to do the long-distance thing after I was accepted to a graduate program 200 miles from where we lived. The first few months were fine, but I soon found myself becoming extremely attracted to my lab partner, Henry. What began as innocent flirting eventually wound up with us in bed. After the program was over, I returned home to Greg. Being with him was really difficult, but I didn' t break up with him initially because I was still attracted to him, too. I visited Henry a few times, and realized that he was really more of a fling, probably born out of boredom, and that Greg was the one for me. I eventually stopped communicating with Henry. I never told Greg about what happened, which occasionally makes me feel guilty, but I chalk my cheating up to being young and silly. He and I are still together, four years since my program ended." 
–  Tamara, 33, Portland, OR

Reason #4: So she' s not left out in the cold
" I began dating Eric shortly after I had been dumped by Dave, my boyfriend of two years. I was devastated and Eric was definitely a rebound thing. After Eric and I had dated for five months, Dave came back and wanted to give things another shot. I still really missed him, so I began seeing him, but never ended things with Eric. I think I sort of kept Eric around for insurance purposes, just in case things didn' t end up well with Dave. Dave and I didn' t make it on round two, and after Eric discovered through mutual friends that I had been seeing him again, he ended things with me. I definitely learned my lesson about dating two guys at the same time, not to mention trying to rekindle a relationship that' s just plain over." 
–  Jen, 28, Oak Park, IL

Reason #5: She deserves better
" When I was younger, I dated a guy named Ethan who was really critical of me. He constantly made little snide comments about my weight, how stupid I was and how clumsy I was. For whatever odd reason, I was into him, despite the fact that all of my friends and family hated him. One weekend when he was away, I met Will at a party and we completely hit it off. He was the complete opposite of Ethan— kind, sweet and generous, yet completely cool and fun, too. We hung out all weekend and it was like a light bulb went off in my head: This is how mature, relationship-worthy guys act. I hooked up with Will the night before he left, and broke up with Ethan soon after. Will and I dated for three years and now we' re married." 
–  Allison, 30, New York, NY

Reason #6: She' s looking for a missing piece
" I' m from Florida, so I adore going to the beach and boating, but my former boyfriend, Chris, a total city boy, hated it. We always argued about where we' d take trips, and he always won. About eight months into our dating, I took a trip to Key West with my friends and we chartered a boat for the day. The captain of the boat was this totally hot, complete ‘ beach guy for life'  type, and I spent the whole day flirting with him. We met him out that night, and he and I got together. I never told Chris about it after I got home and I never felt guilty  I think part of me felt like that' s what Chris got for being so stubborn! Chris and I didn' t make it, and after we broke up, I made sure any future boyfriends loved the beach!" 
–  Lizzie, 32, Chicago, IL

Reason #7: To give him a taste of his own medicine
" My last boyfriend was a total player before we got together. I thought I could change him, but I was wrong. I always heard rumors that he was hooking up with other girls while we were dating, but he always denied it. One night, I got a call from a girl he had been seeing, and she detailed their three-month-long relationship to me and told me about another girl she had discovered he was seeing as well. I was so mad that I went out with my friends that night, dressed to kill, and went home with the hottest guy I could find  I felt like it was the least he deserved! I loved seeing the look on his face when I told him about what I did and that I knew about the other girls. And then I dumped him!" 
–  Ashante, 25, College Park, GA

Reason #8: There' s something lacking in the physical department
" My ex was a terrible kisser— the worst! I really liked everything else about him, but whenever it came time to get physical, I just cringed. One night when I was at a party without him, a bunch of people started this old-school, yet fairly intense game of spin the bottle, and I felt like I had to join, as I hadn' t had a decent kiss in a long time! I probably kissed about 10 guys that night, all of whom were so much better than my ex. I ended things pretty quickly after that experience, which made me realize that the physical part of a relationship is truly important." 
–  Marnie, 26, San Francisco, CA


What makes men cheat? Marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman dug through past research on male infidelity and found that most answers came from the wife' s point of view. Wouldn' t it make more sense to ask the guys? he thought. So for his new book, The Truth About Cheating, Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men' s infidelity —  including what cheating men say could have prevented them from straying. Here, some of his findings:

48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.
So much for the myth that for men, cheating is all about sex: Only 8 percent of men said that sexual dissatisfaction was the main factor in their infidelity. " Our culture tells us that all men need to be happy is sex,"  Neuman says. " But men are emotionally driven beings too. They want their wives to show them that they' re appreciated, and they want women to understand how hard they' re trying to get things right."  The problem is that men are less likely than women to express these feelings, so you won' t always know when your guy is in need of a little affirmation. " Most men consider it unmanly to ask for a pat on the back, which is why their emotional needs are often overlooked,"  Neuman says. " But you can create a marital culture of appreciation and thoughtfulness —  and once you set the tone, he' s likely to match it." 

66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.
The implications are a little scary: It isn' t just uncaring jerks who cheat. In fact, 68 percent of cheaters never dreamed they' d be unfaithful, and almost all of them wished they hadn' t done it, Neuman says. Clearly, guilt isn' t enough to stop a man from cheating. " Men are good at compartmentalizing feelings,"  Neuman explains. " They can hold on to their emotions and deal with them later."  So even if your husband swears he would never cheat, don' t assume it can' t happen. It' s important for both of you to take steps toward creating the marriage you want.

77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated.
Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility. The message he' s subconsciously telling himself: My friend is a good guy who happens to be cheating on his wife. I guess even the best of us do it. You can' t simply ban your husband from hanging out with Mr. Wandering Eyes, Neuman says, but you can request that they spend their time together in an environment that offers less temptation, like at a sporting event or a restaurant for lunch rather than at a bar or club. Another strategy: Build your social circle around happily married couples that share your values —  it' ll create an environment that supports marriage.

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Very interesting material, SR

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