Posted by: Foxybrown | 2007/02/24


The man beats you. That is the bottom line. Not the fact that you have a child with him. You need to consider the possible folly of going ahead and marrying a man who may well beat you in front of your daughter - meaning there is a huge risk she will grow up believing that men will do what they will do - and end up a battered wife herself some day.

Think of the bigger picture. The small picture is that you miss him, your nights are lonely. The bigger picture is the reality of living with a man who beats you.

Unless you go for counselling - with him - and unless he truly understands how wrong he was to assault you, I don't see how settling down with this man can be a good idea. He has not apologised and is cold on the phone. Simple translation - he does not see what he did wrong. It is one thing to be hit by a man and another to be hit by a man who is unrepentant about it.

I always say it is better to be raised by one stable parent than two unstable ones. Do not be so focussed on the possibility of raising a child alone that you fail to see you may do the child a calamitous disservice by raising them in a violent home.

It is true sometimes ppl just lose their tempers and it means nothing and quickly blows over. It is also true engaged couples often fight in the run-up to the wedding as various insecurities surface. But what exactly was the story with your fiancé’s ex girlfriend, why did it cause an issue major enough to warrant a physical fight? Is he still seeing another woman in the run up to his wedding?

Whatever is an issue when you are engaged, is a bigger issue when you are married. That means if your man has another woman now; prepare to be married to a player. And if your man beats you when he gets upset, prepare to be married to a violent and abusive player.

I understand tradition is a hard thing to go against but ppl have returned lobola before, and sometimes saved their lives and sanity in the process. My sister once returned lobola and the man she did not marry is now wanted for crimes in 3 countries across 2 continents.

Makoti, take your baby and go somewhere where you can think thru very carefully your decision to marry this man. With counselling and guidance and the adoption of new mindsets, yes it may still happen. Without those...

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Our expert says:
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I agree with foxybrown --- very well put !

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