Posted by: Kerry | 2005/07/01

Angry about affair

Just to recap - I was having an affair and i broke it off. Now my emotions are getting me down because i am actually angry at myself for having this affair. Im angry at him and im angry with myself. What was i thinking? Surely i should have seen it would never work? Now when i think of him i actually think very little of him for cheating on his wife behind her back. He thinks he's so cool but how cool can you be when you behave like that? Doesn't matter if they live separate lives or if they are unhappy - the fact remains is that he cheated on her (and i feel worse 'cos i was part of that cheating). I feel really bad that i was part of this affair and sometimes i think i would like her to know what happened. If i had a husband and he cheated, i would want someone to tell me. I cannot believe how foolish i was.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Right --- he wasn't cool at all, but cold, which is much worse. But the anger isn't being especially useful at present, from the sound of it. Forgive yourself and move on, don't let yourself get caught up in bonds of anger with him. Check the archive for my earlier discussion of the Tar baby Syndrome. The comments from SR etc make a lot of good sense. Let the arroganu little punk live without any butter !
And for you and Ama --- yes, break all ties and allow no contact whatsoever with him. Treat this also like an adiction. When you start thinking about him again, slap yourslf on the wrist and dash off to do something else. Dont just oncentrate on how foolish you were, but on how wise you'll be from now on !

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Our users say:
Posted by: Babe | 2005/07/01

I agree with Ama

Reply to Babe
Posted by: Dove | 2005/07/01

I think this is a case of sour grapes, you can't have him so you wantto make trouble between him and his wife. If you were so worried about cheating with him in the first place you would not have done it. It is a bit too late to cry now. Just remember next time, that very few men leave their wives to marry their bimbos.

Reply to Dove
Posted by: Nadine | 2005/07/01

The only reason I would want her to know is because I look at her sometimes and think "she is innocent and naive". How could I do this to her. She's never really taken to me but then again she is 9 yrs younger than me and we have nothing in common. I am very different to her. I just feel kind of sorry for her. I would never tell her just to be vindictive. I truly feel she is innocent going about her life and not knowing what a scumbag her husband is. I do want her to find out but not through me because she will think I did it out of spite. I am just glad its over and I have moved on. Anyway, thanks again.

Reply to Nadine
Posted by: Ama | 2005/07/01

I won't ever tell his wife, but that's just me.

If you do decide to tell his wife: Just be carefull that you do it for the right reasons and not to get revenge. (That's just why I won't tell, because I can't imagine what good would come of it if I did tell)

I think it is best to just MOVE ON - let them sort out their issues.

Reply to Ama
Posted by: Deubel | 2005/07/01

Hi Kerry

Don't let it further bother you, as long as it is over and you are truly repentent, you will be forgiven. Sometimes these things happen in a moment of weakness when you have not seeked it. At least you have recognised that what you were doing is wrong and stopped it.

You are in a difficult position as his wife knows you. Maybe you should leave it at that as the truth has a way of coming out eventually. Best of luck to you.

Reply to Deubel
Posted by: Kerry | 2005/07/01

You know Deubel I have toyed with the idea of letting her know somehow. I dont want anyone to get hurt but the more I think of her living her every day life and not having the faintest idea.It actually tears me up inside thinking of what I have done. How could I be so low? How could he be so low? The worst is that they have come to my home together to fetch their daughter and she stands there and doesn't have a clue that him and I actually had an affair right under her nose. I do feel that she needs to know but I dont know how. Apparently she wanted nothing to do with him when he came back from the UK but obviously he won't tell me the whole true story about why. I dont know but the guilt I feel about what I have done is too much for me. I wish I had never done it.

Reply to Kerry
Posted by: Deubel | 2005/07/01

Good to see that you came to your senses. Affairs are destructive to all involved. What beats me is the innocent, unsuspecting party who does not know what betrayal and cheating is going on behind his/her back.

If you have the courage then you should tell the wife/husband what really happened. If not, this person will just continue with the next affair.

Reply to Deubel
Posted by: Kerry | 2005/07/01

CJ, Babe, Ama - the more I read the more I realise what a good thing it was that i told him its over. All your stories are the same as mine. When it was holidays he would go away with the wife and i would wait at home alone until he got back. Yes he would phone me from where he was but I was still ALONE at home waiting for him. The lonely weekends while he was shopping with his wife, or going to a wedding with her - all while I was on my own waiting. Oh no. I am so glad you guys have told me your stories as well. Never again will I be a fool. The only thing i dont like is seeing him at the school but im sure i could work my way around that too. I just dont want anymore contact with him. Thanks guys and have a great weekend.

Reply to Kerry
Posted by: Babe | 2005/07/01

I never thought that oneday I'll move on coz our relationship was so good (according to me). I only realise now that there were so many things which we didnt share, like going shopping together, when Im sick, the loneliness when he's at his place, etc, etc. My friends and I used to say married men are better coz if he's not with you he's with his family. I only realise now that I was 2nd best. Im delighted that I broke up with him when I met a devorced man. And I can only realise now that I, myself wasn't fully committed to him coz now I met a single man and I decide to quit. I just hope that people out there will be careful and not get themselves in such a situation as it was pretty tough for both of us when I broke the news to him.

Reply to Babe
Posted by: Ama | 2005/07/01

Thanks for all the support.

I know what I must do. I must break all ties with him. We are slipping back into what it was (although I am refusing to allow it to become sexual again).

I will try my best not to answer his calls or sms's. I know time heals.

All I can do is get some distance and wait.

Reply to Ama
Posted by: CJ | 2005/07/01

Kerry and Ama

I know exactly how it feels. I had an affair with a man many years ago. It was very serious, but as I started to become wiser and gorw up, I realized that I was being used. (At the time I was 20, fresh out of uni and green to the world).

I broke it off, when I remembered I would be spending another christmas with out him. And I hated the person I had become.

Now I look back, and realize he used me. He thought he could have his cake and eat it. For me, it was not like I was suddenly alone, because he had never been there for me.

Fortunately I have not seen or heard from him in a long time, because I am still so angry for been made to look a fool, and for been wrapped up in his stupid lies.

A mutual friend says he has had other affairs.

The moral of the story, if he has done it once, he will do it agian. Just be greatful you are out of a destructive relationship like that. Would you really want a man that will never be yours?

Time will heal your broken heart.

Reply to CJ
Posted by: Kerry | 2005/07/01

Firstly thanks for your advice everyone even though i am still hurting. Ama, I do remember you and can't believe you also broke it off. Talk about hurting!!! I am heartsore but very angry with myself because i used to read and hear about people having affairs and think how pathetic those people were. I never dreamt that i would do it. We still see each other when we fetch our daughters in the afternoon at school and do you know what hurts me the most?? The fact that I know he doesn't love me that much to be with me. He had the nerve to mention that him and his friend are thinking of going into a townhouse together to share costs 'cos he is definitely leaving his exwife. I dislike him at the moment. He still wants us to continue the affair but wont committ himself. Like Hello - do I have Fool written on my forehead??? CS and all the other people who have given me advice are right. The arrogant little punk wants his bread buttered on all sides. I've learned my lesson - never again. Keep well Ama and talk to you soon.

Reply to Kerry
Posted by: Ama | 2005/07/01

Kerry, I don't know if you remember me. Shortly after you broke up with your bf - I told you I was going to break up my affair too.

It has been EXTREMELY hard for me and I still wonder everyday whether I did the right thing. I miss him - we still sms each other and phone all the time - although we haven't seen each other.

The only thing keeping me sane is the knowledge that he doesn't love me.

I really hope I get to the stage where I am angry (like you are). Maybe then I won't feel so damn sad.

Reply to Ama
Posted by: Lara | 2005/07/01

Kerry dont beat yourself up, as they say love is blind.... And everyone makes mistakes, learn from them, just dont do it again!

Hope you feel better!

Reply to Lara
Posted by: SR | 2005/07/01

Kerry = The best was to recover from an affair is to have a time out from one another. I would suggest you take out a book or two and read up on affairs i.e. 50 mile rule or an Anatomy of an Affair.

The tip is never to let yourself have another. Affairs are wonderous initially but can hurt like hell when the parties get serious and I can tell yours was pretty serious. The other woman always gets the short end of the stick.

I would suggest doing a lot of soul searching and information gathering to get over the pain and just know that you are the hero in this experience if you decide never to be walked over again. To quote Dr Elna "You can only be run over if you are lying down" A few years from now you will look back on this event with wisdom.

I can give you a whole host of reasons why it wouldn't have worked out if he chose to be with you and not his wife but then again that is well published.

If you draw up a list of why it wouldn't have worked it will help you alot when you sit back and study it.

Saying to yourself "He didn't love me afterall" orhaving that gut feeling also helps because it helps you understand that the feelings you have are not worth it and then you can get on with your life.

I hope I make sense

Reply to SR

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