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Question
Posted by: Jay | 2005/11/20

angry

I'm 20 and still living at home with my mom and sister. About 8 months ago my mothers partner of 9 years lost his temper. He hit my mom and threatned and pushed me. The very next day he came back and my mom welcomed him with open arms. He didnt even bother trying to appologise to me for what he did and said. (he doesn't live with us). it's now 8 months later and still nothing. What pisses me off the most is that my mother doesnt seem to be affected or worried about this. she hasn't made him him appologise. This situation has gotten to a point that whenever he comes around, I feel like bursting into tears because of the anger that I feel. Am I just being over sensitive or is this anger justified? It just seems to me that as long as they are happy together then her whole world is complete. Please help me. I'm totally losing my mind. there is no where else i can live.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It's obviously wrong for anyone to abuse another person. But you seem to be describing a single incident, in the course of an argument, not repeated over 8 months. Expecting an apology is understandbale, but not necessarily realistic. Have you discussed this incident and your feelings about it, with your mom ? And let her know that you feel that she ignored your feelings for the sake of pleasing him, and that this is hurtful to you.
But also, remaining so angry about it is not helping you and not improving the situation.
Lois_Lane is right about the most useful way to phrase your concerns --- not to imply that he hurt you, which he may deny, but to speak of how what he did made you feel --- you're the world expert in how you feel.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jemma | 2005/11/21

You must definitely have a long talk with your mother. Tell her how you feel.

Unfortunately you can not tell her what to do and who to choose as her partner but you are allowed to tell her that you are worried about her.

Good luck.

Reply to Jemma
Posted by: Lois_Lane | 2005/11/21

I feel you should start off by sharing your feelings with your mother, she might be unaware of how you are feeling. Maybe tell her that you would like to clear with air with her boyfriend. Put him in the picture, tell him how YOU FEEL. Just remember to always say what you are feeling and dont accuse. DONT say "you made me angry, hurt, upset" rather say "i felt hurt by the way i was treated when you got angry", this way you are not accusing but at the same time expressing your feelings. Stick to the issue at hand, dont drag up any past issues or if he does, bring him back to the point of the discussion. Good luck!

Reply to Lois_Lane

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