Posted by: Lulu | 2004/11/12

Am I responsible enough as a parent??

I'm a young [25yrs] single mother of a 4yr old son, I broke up with his father and have been seeing someone else [who's 28yrs] for about 10 months. The thing is I live in batchelor flat with my son and we sleep on the same bed and my boyfriend is always with me (and we can't keep our hands off each other) About 3-4 times a week he sleeps over (we share the same bed although we wait for the kid to fall asleep and he has no idea that my B.F sleeps with us sometimes)
Both of them are very close, my kid doesn't seem to have any problems with the relationship whatsoever.
The thing is I don't know whether this is right or wrong, I love my kid and I also love my guy, we are always together and that's the way I want it to be.

Why is it so difficult trying to be a perfect mother and have a fulfilling live at the same time

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Our expert says:
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Hmmm. Most kids don't sleep THAT soundly. Lucia and the others make good points. And as Shaun says, it's a sign of how good a mother you are, that this bothers you. COuld you guys look towards getting a snall independent bed for the lad ? And at least think through and prepare yourself for a question from him about what was happening the other night. He doesn't need all the biological details at this age, but for instance, a child can get the impression that something violent or angry is going on, rather thyan something about love.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Also a mum | 2004/11/12

Lulu I agree with everone that you are a good mom but DO NOT play your games with your boyfriend with your kid in the same bed. It is a big mistake. Rather find other sleeping arrangements. What if your child wakes up in the middle of the night and catches you in the act? You do not want to be called to your kids daycare to be given the "talk" about you child's unsavoury behaviour/acts.

Reply to Also a mum
Posted by: J | 2004/11/12

Hi Lulu

Kan ek ook maar my pennie in die bord gooi?

Of course, there is nothing wrong with your bf sleeping over, but I think you should somehow let your son in on this fact. Have you ever thought of what would happen if he does wakes up in the middle of the night and find yourself and bf in a compromising position? He might seem ok with the relationship, but I think you should prepare him for this scary prospect, just in case.

Oh and btw, I dont think there are any perfect mothers out there, so relax and enjoy.

Reply to J
Posted by: Lulu | 2004/11/12

Thanks so much guys... , you have no idea how much relief your responses have given us, looks like it's not as bad as we thought it was.
Anyway, it won't happen for too long as we are planning to get a bigger flat early next year where my baby will have his own bedroom...

Best Regards

Reply to Lulu
Posted by: Orie | 2004/11/12

Lulu , you are indeed a good mother. I've been in a similar position as you are . I think what makes you doubt your worth as a mother is the fact that this is not your son's father. I suspect that there is a little bit of guilt that you feel with this whole arrangement. If the guy you're seeing was your son's father would you have doubted yourself as a mother? Most probably not , you would'nt have . If it was his father you would have just continued as it is now . I think deep down inside you you feel that you're failing your son by sleeping with another man in the same bed as him.
If what I'm saying is true , you need to remind yourself that you're also entitled to hapiness. Your son should'nt be hinderance to your happiness but should compliment it. He is not standing in your way , you're just makiing an issue out of it .
If you spend enough quality time with your son, you care about his welfare, u feed and clothe him , show love and you are always there for him ,then that's it . You're giving him all that good mothers give to their kids. Spend time with your b/f , enjoy each other just continue being discreet especially with sexual matters . I ended up getting married to the guy I was seeing , my daughter is now his step daughter and they have a special bond they created when we were still dating . I hope yours too will be a story with a happy ending .
All the best

Reply to Orie
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/12

Hi Lulu,

My initial response is that if you weren't a good mother, then this circumstance wouldn't have bothered you...

Your child is 4 years old, & although it seems quite young, they are quite impressionable, & learn very quickly from example. So my opinion is if you feel you're setting a good example to him, & not causing him confusion, then you are ok.

Also, I feel that if you're serious about this guy, & don't tend towards changing partners often, then you don't have much to worry about. Just always set a good example, & always have time for him, & always shower him with love & affection, which I feel certain you doing quite well...

Just my 2 cents Lulu, hope I didn't offend you.


Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Lucia | 2004/11/12

Hi Lulu

I feel that if you are in a stable relationship and you keep your "games" as private as possible (which you are doing), there is nothing wrong with it.

What do married couples, who live in a batchelor flat do with their four year old's ? Basically the same as you.

It would be a problem if you had a different guy there every other weekend, but you obviously have a commited relationship going and you do show affection towards each other which I believe is good for any child to witness as long as it is the cuddles alone that he witnesses and nothing else.

Reply to Lucia

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