Posted by: Skye | 2008/05/31

Am I Paranoid -cybershrink PLZ HELP!!!

My boyfriend has much more sexual experience than I do. I feel like he compares me to his ex gf's whenever we do something sexual. He is my 1st serious boyfriend, I lost my virginity to him a yr ago. Thing is how it happend wasn't very appealing at all. It was in a public yet secluded place.there were people around as well. He didnt even try to make me feel the least bit comfortable at all before or after it. Call me crazy but i think seeing that it was my 1st time he could've at least tried. Don't get me wrong, i wanted it but the comfort i expected wasnt given - typical wam bam thank u mam scenario actually.

I resented it for a while and thought i should've waited for a better time instead, but i got over it - least i thought i did. So here are my issues:
The next time we actaully did it in private - i couldnt even look at him. i felt so sick inside and i tightened up so much i bled during foreplay and couldnt even look at him during sex. Is that normal ??? I told him how i felt and we spoke about it.
Secondly - I feel like because i am so inexperienced he compares me to his ex gf's. He says he isn't and hasnt, but the stuff he wants me to do are things he has done with all or most of his ex's. It's not that i don't want to try, it's that it turns me off knowing his experienced it so many times before. Like threesomes - he has had so many already with 3 different girlfriends. I would love to do it for him but knowing he has done it so many times before puts me off wanting to do it for him now. I enjoy sex alot i cant get enough of it really, but how do i get over being turned off by his previous experiences??? Is it sex envy?? I feel so inadequate. when i'm on top riding him i feel like im not doing it "properly" or in a good rhythm.and watching him during this makes me wonder if his thinking about someone else. Am I paranoid?

I'm scared I'm not satisfying him enough and I don't know what to do because i really love him a lot and i just want to make him happy in every way. Is it normal for me to feel this way - seeing as though he is my 1st??? I asked him for a 3 way a while ago and he is willing to it for me and has a few friends lined up already. I actually asked him if he'd done it before because i wanted to surprise him for his birthday last year with a ffm 3 way, but then he said he did it before. and it put me off.

I know this is going to sound like a cover up, but he has changed alot since January. He is more loving than he was a year ago and he knows he did wrong. My problem is that during sex now i think things like: "why weren't you like this a year ago?" " why are you doing this?" I can see he is trying his best to build up the part in our relationship that was breaking down and i appreciate it - he makes more effort now in just spending time with me chatting about everything, being there for me when im not well - he supports me emotionally now alot more.

But how do I get over the way I feel? For example - if I think im doing something extraordinary for him like if we out driving at night and I'm in the mood I'd (for example)take off my top and play with my boobs and remove my clothing slowly bit by bit.<br><br>obviously his enjoying it. And if i ask him later that evening if any of his ex's did something like that before for him he'd say "yes, "B" did it all the time coz she was a freak and she wouldnt wear undies if they went out etc." Now hearing things like that puts me off from wanting 2 try something "new" because he's done it before - its only "new" to me. so how do i get over being put off like this? Any advise will help. Thanks Skye

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

YOu know, if anyone finds themselves comparing their sexual partner to ANYONE else, they themselves are not concentrating or performing well --- sex is about what is happening at the time, not scoring the encounter like the judges at an Olympic weight-lifting event.

And if he HAS had a lot more experience than you, and has chosen - and continues to choose - to be with you, rather than returning to any outstanding former partners, then presumably he must be more than satisfied with you. Otherwise why would he stay ?

Unfortunate that your first experience wasn't satisfying for you --- and it doesn't sound like he was all that skilled or thoughtful about it. As for him doing with you things he has done with former partners, well, there's only a relatively limited number of ways to have sex, and not all that many things a couple can do with each other, so he's bound to repeat --- but again, comparisons would be an unhelpful distraction for him, and really aren't likely.

But you're doing something very similar, which we call "specatoring" --- if you are busy watching yourself, and him, and thinking about what's going on, like a spectator or examiner preparing to give a score, you're not getting into the sex itself, and performance and satisfaction is always reduced by doing this. When you are anxiously watching him and worrying that he's thinking of someone else --- you are automatically thinking about something else.

Threesomes I have no respect for, at all --- they're exercises for people who are bored with their own sexuality, and emotionally stunted people who can't really concentrate and commit themselves to their partner. Can you see how self-defeating it is to want to or expect to do something with him that he has never done before ? What ? Swinging from the chandelier with a frog in each hand ? Sex shouldn't be about setting new records or running through a menu of options, but actually about being a significant part of a real relationship --- and oddly, it sounds from your description that he may be more able to do that than you. Why must it always be about something "new" ? What's wrong with an enjoyable usual way of doing things ?

Seriously, seeing a personal counsellor might be a good idea, to work through your hang-ups about sex, so as to enjoy what you have and enjoy the relationship, rather than being so obsessed with other people who seem to be present only in your mind, and not in his. ( and of course your questions keep dragging those previous partners back into bed with the pair of you. That's worse than a 3-some, that's a 20-some ).

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: skye | 2008/06/02

Thanks Cybershrink.

I am insecure definitely. amd I am trying really hard to get over it.

I will definitely take your advise and just go with it.

As for other people only present in my mind - thats a different point in playing the he did it - she did scenario....

Thanks so much.

you helped alot.

Reply to skye
Posted by: tania | 2008/06/01

it is normal 2 sumtimes feel insecure. sumtimes u gt 2 much info, which brings u down. dont ask him bout his xs. he is with u, he loves u! n he is more lovin, dnt question, njoy. u dnt state ur age, i assume u r a young lady. it gts beta i promise. ALL of us hve been there, emotionally insecure. just try n let it go. nt healthy 4 eitha u or ur relationship. good luck

Reply to tania
Posted by: happyex | 2008/05/31

yes , you are paranoid , particularly as your boyfriend is trying to resolve your issues.
You would be very well advised to get over HIS past before you also become an ex.
Very few people do not have past lovers and if we all obsessed over what our lovers had done with ex girlfriends , none of us would have successful relationships.
What you and your boyfriend have together is unique, why do you feel the need to keep comparing with everybody else. You can be grateful that he replies to your paranoid questioning honestly , but you really should stop !! Your behaviour is jealous and destructive.

Reply to happyex

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.