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Question
Posted by: ej | 2004/02/17

AM I OVERREACTING

I am 38 and married to a man who has two children (aged 5 & 8) from a previous marriage. I get on well with the children but not with their mother. I feel a tinge of jealousy towards her as my husband has refused me children but supports her in every way possible. He sees the children daily and participates in all their activities. I earn more than he does and pay for all our living expenses including the bond, vehicles, tel acc etc. From his salary he pays his child support which is also well above the norm. Am I overreacting when I tell him I feel neglected as a wife and that I no longer care to financially support him or his ex?

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Our expert says:
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dear ej,
No, I don't think you are overreacting. While it is obviously his duty to provide some maintenance and support for his children, it sounds as if he is almost maintaining two households, one ( with his Ex and the kids ) at his expense, afforded because the other is run entirely at your expense. So even i you don't actually pay for the maintenance, by paying for everything else, you are enabling him to pay high maintenance, which perhaps he wouldn't otherwise be able to afford.
And he hardly even has the excuse for refusing to have a child with you, that he can't afford it, because you can.
No, this sounds like exploitation, and maybe you need to move towards asserting what you want and need, rather than letting the ex be in charge of that.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Soul | 2004/02/17

ej

You are a human being a woman who knows what she wants and desires and you have every right to have it. No one is allowed to take that away from you, not your husband and his ex and kids.

I know it hurts.
He is the man of the house and he should be paying for everything, stop paying for everything that his goteen so accustomed to you paying. Life is a bed of roses for him.

But the one thing his neglecting to see is that you are his wife and if he can't look after you and and your wants and needs then my dear you should consider looking for someone who does.
He seems very selfish and self centred to me. From everything you've said it's all about him his ex and their children.

Sit down and talk to hium tell him how you feel and what it is that you want and that you wont stand for playing the last fiddle in his life and your his wife. he needs to get his priorities straight or his going to end up paying for everything himself. Lets see if his ex can handle a mager pay cut.

Personally I think you deserve so much more than what your settling for. Go find your happiness that you so rightfully deserve.

Take Care
Soul

Reply to Soul
Posted by: ej | 2004/02/17

Girls...you have more than convinced me that my feelings are warranted. I guess my self esteem has taken a knock and needs some help to get back where it should be. I feel a sort of sadness at the realisation that possibly my husband has seen me as a woman capable of mothering his children or maybe afraid I may outshine his ex.
Either way, it still hurts..

Reply to ej
Posted by: Lulu | 2004/02/17

Let me tell you something my dear, the fact that you earn more than he does should not remove the reality which is you are still a woman and you need your husband to take care of you!!!. The reason why he is doing what he is doing(using you as his fainancil aid) is because in his mind you don't need him as much as his real family(ex wife and kids) and unfortunately you have confirmed that by having to do everything for him instead of the other way round.
I have got first hand experience with this kind of situation. In my case it was an ex boyfriend who happened to be the father of my child. I worked before he did and had to take care of everything in the house(we were staying together). When he started working he did not understand that he had to partake in the household expenses and that started lots of arguments. Eventual we broke up because I was not going to be a man and a woman and a mother all at the same time. He even expected me to make him one of my dependents on my medical aid even though we were longer together(he had a new girlfriend) so that he could be able to pay maintenance for the kid and I refused and we ended up in 15 market(the maintenance court).

I guess all I'm trying to tell you is he is using you for his personal gains. If you want a kid you don't need his permission especially when you are able to support him, his wife and his children.

Reply to Lulu
Posted by: Soul | 2004/02/17

Hi ej

Well,well, well doesn't your hubby his ex wife and their child have there bread buttered on both sides not to mention having their slice of cake along with it.

You have every right to want to have your own children. I'm a single mom my baby is 5 months old and let me tell you there is so much joy that he has brough into my life in such a short period of time. No man has the right to deny you wanting to have children of your own.

You said that you are carrying most of the finances you can have a child and you can provide for your child solely.

No my dear you certainly are not over reacting cut this man loose along with his ex and children cause they are only taking advantage of you and your good nature.

Take Care
Soul

Reply to Soul
Posted by: volcano | 2004/02/17

I agree with Juzlisen. Lift him out of his comfort zone and see what happens.

Reply to volcano
Posted by: ej | 2004/02/17

Thanks for the advice Juzlisen and Paul - cut my losses I guess and start a life without him....daunting prospect but I guess rather now than ten years from now!!

Reply to ej
Posted by: Paul | 2004/02/17

Damn him, hes got a nice setup going I reckon, take you money and live it yourself.

Reply to Paul
Posted by: Juzlisen | 2004/02/17

No you are not overreacting! He is being rather selfish - every woman will one day want to have a child of their own. By the way why do you need to support him or his ex financially? That is nonsense! A wife's duty should not be of a financial matter - 50/50 would be a better solution = so I suggest that as far as finances go you should contribute exactly as much as he does and not a cent further. You will see in time if your marriage is still worth keeing.
Good Luck

Reply to Juzlisen

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