Posted by: CJ | 2005/11/23

Am I making the right decision?

My boyfriends wife died in March this year, after only being married for 4 months. I met him in May and he and I didnt really hit it off but were still in contact everyday. He asked me for coffee and I said that I couldnt because at this time I was finalising a divorce. My divorce was finalised in July and my boyfriend and I started seeing each other in September. He told me that according to his culture (his Zulu) his not allowed to bring any girl to his house until he does the unveiling ceremony in January 2006. He said that he is not able to tell his parents about me until then either. At this time I was being harrassed by my ex-husband even though we havent been together for 4 years he didnt want the divorce. (Reason for divorce, he blamed me for not trying hard enough to have a baby - even though I went for 5 ops and was told that I have a 10% chance of falling pregnant). I told my boyfriend that I will respect his requests and wait until January. Things got complicated when I found I was pregnant with his baby because a year ago I was told that I couldnt have a baby. Eventually he accepted the pregnancy. I made it clear to him that he didnt need to stick around because of the baby. About a month ago he told me that he got the calling from his ancestors and that he had to go for sangoma training. Since then we havent been able to see each other from 17h30 in the evening, I dont see him over weekends at all and this is starting to get to me. He has a son from a previous relationship and he has decided that the son will now stay with him permanently. I know that his sounds selfish but he doesnt have time for me now, when his son is around it will be worse as children need attention especially if they are only starting school. When I asked for time over the weekend he told me that he is not married and his parents are important to him and he will do everything for them and respect their wishes. He said that there could be a chance that they will never accept me and that they will tell him to break up with me. I know that if he has to choose he wont hesistate and break up with me. I'm happy about the baby and they way he talks it doesnt seem like he will be very involved, which doesnt matter as I have a good job and the child is mine in the end. I really love him but I've realised that I might be the one coming off second best and decided that the best thing would be for us to break up. It breaks my heart but it would be harder next year. The more I see him the more I get attached and the harder the break up will be. I've raised this with him and he says that I always jump to conclusions and I shouldnt plan for next year but live for the moment. I believe u cannot do that when a baby is on the way. I might as well move on with my life now. If I break up with him when we argue its going to be like I'm angry. Things are going great at the mo' and I think its time to tell him now. Am I doing the right thing????

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

CJ, I remember your asking essentially this same question more than once before. You know, I think one of the good reasons for various cultural traditions of various cultures, is that they provide structure and, for instance, discourage rapidly rushing into relationships ( and pregnancies ) on the rebound.
I don't see any realistic alternative in the situation you describe, to having several long, sincere and frank talks with him to see what you two can and can't sort ou between you.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Loli | 2005/11/23

I had asked you to give me a call so to explain that this maybe away of him not wanting to commit to you (the calling), I fell sad to see our fallow brothers making a joke with our culture and using it to their ...f$,

Pls call if you still remember or have my number.

Reply to Loli
Posted by: lee | 2005/11/23

CJ... sounds like you are a girl with her head screwed on straight and that you have already figured it out for yourself ;)

Good luck and best wishes for you and your baby - I know this can't be an easy descision.

Reply to lee
Posted by: CJ | 2005/11/23


I'm coloured and muslim. He does know about the baby, I told him the day that I found out. He told me that he will be away for a while, and he always says that even though he is away I will come back to me - I think this is wishful thinking. My biggest problem is that he doesnt have time for me now, when the baby comes I dont want him to think that he has to hang around because of the child. A baby has never made a relationship work and last. I told him that I will be leaving the city to stay with my family in another city because I'm alone here and with the sangoma training he will never be available. I wouldnt like to drive myself to the hospital if I should go into labour. I now know that for my own sanity I have to break up the relationship and have decided that I have to do it tonite.

Reply to CJ
Posted by: bb | 2005/11/23

You say he is Zulu, right, what are you?

Have you not told him that you are pregnant?
i think you should immediately. and it will be important that he get involved, the child is yours both of you. besides maybe things will change if he knows he has another child coming up.

i know very well that when one is having a ancestoral calling it becomes difficult with relationships at times. ancestors and the calling control him or her a lot. decide whether you are up for that. i know my uncle lost his marriage because he had to spend most of the time in that training school. and sometimes not even allowed ot come into contact with his wife while going through training until he graduates which depends on a lot of traditional events, affordability and many other things. can take long very long.

are you up for that?

choose now that you can still pull the plug off. is been a very short while.

i know is difficult to stay away from him or break up now; but better withdraw the emotional investment now while it has not accumulated a lot.

i feel for you girl. i wish i could lie to you and say it will be easier, wont. i know i am raised in a traditional africanist family with sangomas. is complicated.

Reply to bb
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/11/23

You know what to do CJ. I wish you the strength to do what is right for you and your baby. Good luck darling.

Reply to Buzz

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