Posted by: Des | 2008/07/02

Am I MAD (Update)

Hello All, my first update on the goings on;

Yesterday I smsed my partners lover and asked him if he loves my partner and naturally I got hostility and no answer, but I have already seen an sms he sent to my partner about 2 weeks ago saying that he loves him, so I already knew, I just needed confirmation.

Anyway I told him his silence and him avoiding the answer told me what I wanted to know. I told him if he thinks he loves my partner and my partner thinks he loves him then they should be together and I was going to remove myself as an obstacle and let them be together. Also told him that I will be moving out so my partner could be free to be with him and that I will simply slip away and they will never hear me again.

I am sure he was overjoyed but he never replied and that was fine, cos I also assumed that he told my partner everything anyway. So lastnite after gym I sat down and spoke to my partner and told him everything that has transpired between me and his lover with regards the sms I sent him. I also told him that I was not going to fight anymore and that I was going to move out and that I will not NEVER allow anyone to abuse me and turn me into someone I am not, for 3 years he couldn’t accept me for the shy, introverted, TV and horror movie watching person I was. I turned myself into someone he wanted so that I could be accepted by him and so that he could love me and yet it was not enough. So I am going to be ME and if who I am is not good enough then tough luck for whoever tries to make me someone I am not.

He stayed quite and didn’t say a word to me that whole time, I went on to tell him I want everything sorted out before I leave our house so that I don’t have to see him or have contact with him, because I still love him and I need to be away from him to heal and let go of him fully. I also appealed to him to please just wait for me to leave before he and his lover started to see each other again.

So there you go guys I did it and I am NOT turning back now, it was hard for me to do that and I realise that if you love someone deeply you need to really let them go, and now I can truly say that I have let him go. However finding a place to move to is still difficult, do any of you know of a place in Randburg, Blairgrowie where a rejected battered soul with a dog and a cat can rent? heehe

You know what? I feel somewot liberated in a way after I FINALLY let go, feels a bit better.

I will keep you guys updated with future happenings, I still have to move so thats going to be a biggie....

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi again Des and thanks for this post.

A note of concern (which Deeve also picked up on) - perhaps you should decide not to contact the 'other' guy again. What matters is that your relationship is ending and I don't think it is healthy for anyone that you get involved, in any way, in their new relationship. They don't need your blessing, your kindness or your permission - your process is simply about coming to terms with the demise of your own relationship.

Good luck with the house-hunting and please keep posting.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Deeve | 2008/07/02

You're on the right tracks now Des. I'm also concerned about you contacting his Lover. Try not to do this to yourself Des. Let them both be. Even if they suddenly go out and buy a mansion together...let them be!
Rather spend time building up your own seld confidence, and battered self esteem. Soon you won't give a hoot what the Guy has or does...and that's how it should be. SMS'ing, asking, and checking on whether the 'other' Guy is doing better than you, only destroys your inner most being...and the lower you go, the longer it takes to climb back up again.
Sooo...hang in there Pal...there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Lastly, DON'T move out till the paperwork is finalised, and the R60 000 is in your Bank Account ......regardless! Cheers

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: LONEWOLF | 2008/07/02

Great stuff DES. Keep on with what you are doing. Just stop making contact with the other gay, you are only complicating matters for yourself. Turn your back and do not look back. Keep well

Posted by: Nikkits | 2008/07/02

I have looked at my errors, and the frist one was I should have never accepted him after the frist cheating he did. But for now I just want to heal and look back at everthing later when I am totally over this person...

Reply to Nikkits
Posted by: Nikkits | 2008/07/02


Glad to see you are letting go -

Keep a level head as it is never easy to be on the receiving end of a break up.

I do want to suggest that you have a good look at "what went wrong here" with regards to your contribution to the relationship.

Reading through your posts I sense a little bit of ownership from your part. Dont get me wrong but just perhaps you overwhelmed him with constant mistrust etc.

Yes he did wrong and I am not defending him at all. What I am trying to say is have a look at any possible mistakes you made so as not to make them again in a future relationship.

Good Luck


Reply to Nikkits
Posted by: des | 2008/07/02

Hi there Riley, I have a malties Poodle and a cat, I checked the Star yesterday and today and there doesnt seem to be much, I am also on Gumtree, day and nite and no luck either, and I even signed up with some sort of agency and still nothing, the most I can affrod is about R2900 with L&W..

Reply to des
Posted by: Gareth | 2008/07/02

Des, well done for taking these brave but neccesary steps. Now don't look back and keep doing what is best for you. Just one thing. Why are you smsing the lover? Don't do this to yourself. You will only embarrass or hurt yourself by asking such torturing questions. Let go, my friend, let them be. Let them do what they want. But nice going with the first steps. Already you feel liberated, and it can only get better from here.

As for places to stay. Look at privateproperty's website too. Thers should be loads out there.

Good luck bud

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: Riley | 2008/07/02

Sorry - only going to comment on accomodation. I have a number of an excellent estate agent that goes to the earth's end to find you a place. I know the area extremely well and it's a little difficult to find a place that will allow pets, especially dogs. What dog do you have?

Drive around, and you'll see all the to let signs.

But check out The Star (actually looked at it last night, heavens knows why) and saw a lot of places to rent in the area at extremely good prices. What are you looking for? House? Townhouse? Cottage?

Reply to Riley

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