Posted by: Jackie | 2004/01/16

Am I just jealous, I'm confused!

I've got this strange feeling that all is not well between me & my husband. Several things happened:1. He & a friend went out a couple of times, coming back at 5 in the morning. Afterwards his friend spoke about their "outing" to a strip-club. I don't mind, but why did he lie about it. 2. At his other friend's party, he insisted on me sitting in the lounge while he was "Dirty Dancing" (really) with a single girl from his work. 3. He tries to convince me to dress like this girl, talk like her etc... . 4. He only talks / touch me when he wants to have sex with me. He never answers me when I talk to him, he never listen to anything I say. I started to become very quiet, he doesn't even realizes this!
We went to the South Coast for a week, he was the person that a fell in love with. We're back now about 2 weeks, and it's back to ignoring, irritated, etc.

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Our expert says:
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Dear Jackie,
Of course none of us can answer these questions, except your husband, with whom you need to discuss these matters. Why did he not tell you about going to a strip-club ? Probably because he didn't want to upset you ( we very often upset people by our efforts not to upset them ). The act that while on holiday he was again like the man you originalyl fell in love with shows that that aspect of your relationship is still reachable and open to revisiting. Why not, as is my usual reasonable suggestion, consider marriage counselling to better understand what sems to have been going adrift between the two of you, and see how much you can heal and strengthen this relationship ?
He sounds imature, and too concntrated on showing off to and looking good in front of, his friends, and lacking in the self-confidence to just be himself and with you alone.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jackie | 2004/01/16


Oh Boy,

I've tried the going out with friends just for coffee, but he was so upset about it that I cancelled everytime.

He is 28, 2yrs younger than me. He doesn't want to go anywhere if it's just me and him. We will go to a restaurant and on our way there he'll phone his friends, if not one of them can make it, then we go home! We never go or do something that I want to anyway, for the past 2 years I don't even ask! I haven't seen my family for 2 years, although they stay quite close. We only visit his friends and his family. For my birthday he invited all his friends and his "friends from his work" He didn't said a word to me that night!
We're married for almost 3yrs now. A year ago we moved to Jo'burg and I had to leave my family and friends, and now I don't have any family or friends - just his. It's starting to get to me now.

For the make over -his friend looked at our wedding photo's and said I didn't change a bit, so I went and changed everything, to what my husband pointed out (to his friend) what he liked in certain girls. Sorry, I still only look good to him if he wants sex with me! So I changed back to who I were, and at least I feel comfortable! I get a lot of compliments at work, and sometimes it makes me feel good.

I'm tired of being the "good wife", smiling although I feel like crying.................... I've got a good job, but very stressful, so I want to go home to a loving husband and feel loved and special!

Reply to Jackie
Posted by: Mona | 2004/01/16

I bet he wouldnt like it you were to go out till 5am in the morning.... I defenately wouldnt allow my husband to do it. If he comes home that time of the morning, there would be new locks on the doors!! But somehow i think my hubby has too much love and respect for me to do something like that. Your hubby needs a serious talking to so that you can find out whats happening in his life.

Reply to Mona
Posted by: KK | 2004/01/16

Hi Jackie

He's no man enough, from what I read. Unfortunately you are married. He has no interest at all, he needs you, that far he knows for when you are away he's back to that loving caring person you met once and fallen in love with.
I do not know about his age, but he has not yet matured: 1.for it ought to be easy for a man to tell his wife that he needs a space and will use a guest room.

2.Something might be bothering him emotionally and does not talk about it, which might be the cause; else he feels you are not the solution to his emotional problem that might be why he has bottled it.

You know what drink he uses buy it! for him and buy your favourite drink too, just the two of you (be in your house / bar / restaurant) but be private, start talking general to personal ( what you've observed and how you feel) take him to his favourite outing places not yours for a change, be passive, do not push/ be bullying but dig deep I am sure you will find the solution there.

If this does not work, do yourself a make over but do not imitate that girl, be a new version of yourself someone who when he looks at will realise and acknowledge. I believe you are creative enough, reflect back find out who you were when the love feeling from him was dangerously boiling, pick yourself up do not relax for you think you found your destiny, remember there’s “jackals” out there looking for a prey.

Reply to KK
Posted by: Oh Boy | 2004/01/16

My sister went through the exact same thing her hubby always wants to be in the lime light doing his own thing going where he pleases when he pleases treating her like the scum of the earth.

After 15 yrs of marriage she decided to go out and have some fun with her friends and I don't mean other men. She started to socialise with people from work and distant friends that she hadn't seen in years and I must say she really came out of herself and found that she was a person on her own and she stoped hiding behind his shadow.

Start going out with your friends for coffee, a drink maybe a movie the flea market do things that you enjoy and when he sees that your happy and having fun you'll see just how miserable he'll get because you have a life to and it doesn't just consist of him being in it. You have more than enough space in your life for fun and friends and most of all living.

Just have some fun and relax.

Reply to Oh Boy

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