Posted by: Pholi | 2007/06/12

Am I expecting too much from him ?

My husband cheated on me and he told me about it . I was very very shocked. a day after he told me , I asked to go out for drinks with him and I opened up the topic again telling him that I need to talk about it to get past it. He said ," I suggest you call Yolanda and discuss this with her to help you deal with it " Yolanda is a therapist we used for pre marital counselling which he abandoned halfway because he felt the therapist is a woman and she is always o my side , which was not true. I never made an appointment to see Yolanda bcoz I felt we both need to see her.He told me that he's over it adn I'm the person who has trouble getting over it , I must see the therapist because he does not want to talk about it anymore.Yesterday he again told me that if I dont trust him that's my own baby, he vowed never to do such a thing before because his conscious wont let him.SInce the revelation I've been paranoid and questioned every move he make because he managed to have an affair right under my nose and I never picked it up then .So I'm constantly on the look out and scared because of the way he was discreet with the first one , I'd never know ehen he has another one. But I did not like the way he talked to me when I told him that he must earn his trust back.He told me " Look I'll do the things the way I want to do them , I wont feel the need to explain to you my whereabouts all the time and I'll visit whoever I want to visit whether you like him or not, if you cant trust me that's your problem, there is nothing more I can do, I bared my sould and told you of what I did and vowed never to do it again , so if you dont believe me ,tough luck !" Am I expecting too much from him ?

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Our expert says:
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He seems to have a pathetically limited idea of what therapy is about. He needs to join you in proper mnariage counselling ( maybe with a male counsellor, so he cant use his usual excuse that a woman would automatically be on your side ) because HE has cheated and caused the problem ( not you ) and if you are not both part of the solution, there will be no solution. He shouldn't be "over it" so easily. He;s the one who gave you something that needs to be gotten over ! His cheating proved to you that his "conscience" and his "vow" don't mean much.
You are NOT expecting too much of yhim --- HE is expecting way too little of himself.
If he really wont work with you in counselling, recosider whether he is committed enough to this marriage for it to be worth your while to stick around within it

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Our users say:
Posted by: Southern write | 2007/06/13

decide how YOu are going to deal with it and let him know that this is what works for you - also if he is not happy with it he can dissapear in to the setting sun

Reply to Southern write
Posted by: Tshogie-Dee | 2007/06/13

Iknow what its like because my ex use to do the same. He would go out and spend the nite and probably the next day, coming back at the middle of the nite and everything was suppose to be ok since he is back home and told me what happened. I was suppose to believe that he was out with friends drinking and there was no one to take him home. We broke up several times due to this and eventually I left him because I noticed that no matter how much I tell him that I dont like what he does, he still continued doing it. I was always telling myself that maybe Im expecting a lot from him but eventually I realised that he is the one with a problem and left.
Your husband has no soul and probably doesnt care wether you end up leaving him and its better you leave coz one way or another he is going to do it again and expects you to " GET OVER IT". Even if he does not cheat on you again, he is going to do something very annoying and expects you to understand. He is the one who is expecting a lot from u.
Good luck anyway.

Reply to Tshogie-Dee
Posted by: T | 2007/06/12

Are you crazy??? Leave him!! He'll do it again and again. He sounds like a sociopath to me. You are surely worth a lot more than to take this kind of treatment. After this your life with him will be hell anyway - and who wants that??

Reply to T
Posted by: been there | 2007/06/12

I understand exactly what you are going thru. Two years down the line, with counselling I still do not trust my husband and constantly catch him out with "white Lies" as he says he knows he'll be in trouble if he gets caught. I think it is a male who has severe insecurities and suddenly realises they are getting old that suddenly look elsewhere for the excitement, however they still want the wife and stability of going home to a warm house, plate of food and an adoring wife. It's time for men to catch a wake up.(yes I'm very negative but I've seen so many women of my age (40) going through this.

Reply to been there
Posted by: JJ | 2007/06/12

I couldn't have said it better Anikwa.

Reply to JJ
Posted by: ANIKWA | 2007/06/12

Sisi, am so sorry you have had to go through this. Your story reminds me of how my dad re-acted when it came to the open that he had been having affairs right through out the 20 year marriage with my mother, with 3 kids as a result. Sadly it ended up in a divorce as he felt that my mother should just get over it. It happened, he confessed so life should go on. Unfortunately it is not that simple, more so because trust has been broken. It is all a defence mecanism, to make you feel like you expect too much from him, make you feel like you are the one that's being hard on him. Remember, you are not the one who broke your marriage vows. rebuilding the trust is a process that HE should walk you through. IT IS NOT YOU BABY. He is the cheater not you. Unfortunately you have to stand your ground my dear and not compromise on the things you feel strongly about.......or just face being a submissive wife who sells her sol for the sake of 'brokering' peace, one sided peace that is. Am not trying to be a stirrer but I have seen it happen. We all deserve to be happy at the end of the day. Don't forget to invite God almighty to walk you through this as well. All the best, my thoughts and prayers are with you as your situation just reminds me so much of my past.

Reply to ANIKWA
Posted by: FIO | 2007/06/12

He wants youto get over it because then it makes it easier for him to forget his guilt and move on to doing it again. As long as he feels guilty, he'll probably nto do it again for a while, but sooner or later he's going to get angry with you for now getting over it, and will justify doing it again by blaming you for rubbing it in all the time.

His problem, his issues, his unreliability, his refusal to play a fair game.

Your problem for tolerating a man who it seems will not give up his ways, and will always manipulate you, making you feel responsible for his actions.


Reply to FIO

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