Posted by: Fact or Fiction | 2009/09/21

Am I expecting too much?

Hi there
I' m hoping some one will be able to help me with a problem I have in my relationship

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now, we first moved in as flat mates, then after a couple of months (and a bit of a back and forth history!) decided to be a couple.

We are really well suited in many areas and have a lot of fun together, when we get the time (he works nights and I work days so often we only get to see each other for a couple of hours a day) but my problem is that when ever we have an argument, he had a habit of just switching off and saying that he doesn' t care. For example, a couple of months ago, I was feeling very depressed because I feel like there is no romance in our relationship and that all I want is to be spoilt every once in a while. I feel like a provide most of the essentials at home and often don' t feel like I get any help when it comes to division of labour. I told him this and how I feel like I' m not special and I want to be spoilt sometimes. He basically just shrugged if off saying that he didn' t care and that was that. Should the man that you are in a relationship be saying that? Why doesn' t he care? When we fight I do have a awful temper and scream and shout which is wrong I know. I just wish he would understand my point of view instead of just saying, "  I don' t care" .

Am I expecting too much? Are flowers, romantic messages, dates and those types of things just totally unrealistic?

Eventually, I will just sulk until I resign myself and ' be happy'  again.

I don' t know what to do.

Thank you for any advice of help that is offered, it is very much appreciated.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

No, not entirely unrealistic, but not part of what many men automatically think of. have you tried making HIM feel special, in ways that would please him, as an illustration of what youi mean and what you want ? And as Really sys, often the louder you shout, the less people can hear, let alone appreciate, what you are saying.

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Our users say:
Posted by: kato | 2009/09/23

YOU ARE NOT EXPECTING TOO MUCH! Take it from me. I have been married for 12 years to a man who is the same. At first I thought that it was my fault (as he tried to make me believe) that things seemed so unfair. He is still trying to make me understand that the fact that he sits in front of his computer and reads e-mails while I deal with two little children by myself on a regular basis is fair. He just doesn' t see what he is not doing, and he will never understand it. I have posted in this forum about this, but I" ll repeat - even though he seems like a niceish guy, doesn' t beat me up, doesn' t get drunk in the pub every night, and doesn' t cheat on me, he also doesn' t do anything romantic for me, doesn' t make me feel special and doesn' t understand why he should be doing so. I too have married a selfish git and unfortunately once you have kids it' s not that simple to leave.

If you really love him and want to try, make sure he sees a shrink. It sounds like he' s got issues with criticism, and believe me this will not change by itself. Whether you scream, talk or ask nicely, you' ll get the same response. Sort it out now before it' s too late and you' re stuck in an unhappy relationship forever.

Reply to kato
Posted by: A real Gent | 2009/09/21

Hi there ! Sounds like you have got yourself involved with a selfish self centered piece of work. He was probably indulged by his mother who was probably a doormat to the males in the familty, so he expects that from you. Of course you should be romanced and treated like someone special. Problem is, he is not prepared to go that route because he is a selfish git. My Dad treated my Mom with respect anf romanced her all his life. He impressed on me that the women in our lives were special. I have treated all the woman in my life as someone special and still do it after many years of marriage. My son has done the same. Guys must realise that women ARE special and should behave like real men and anticipate their ladies needs and help with everything including cooking cleaning and looking after the kids. No this is not a joke and we are real and do exist. Lucky ladies who have met up with us. There is no rerason why you too should not join the happy ladies. Get rid of your current partner/millstone and look out for a real man. If you don' t have a good look at your relationship you will just carry on being the doormat. The first thing I would do is restrict/stop any bedroom capers until he decides to make an effort. See how long he " Does not Care"  aboluit that Go for it girl

Reply to A real Gent
Posted by: Really | 2009/09/21

The first thing is to stop shouting.... I am probably like your boyfriend, when someone starting shouting, I just shut down and really will not respond! Period! A proper approach to a situation should be calm and collective, ofcourse there are times when I do lose my marbles and will feel like screaming but then I won' t say much because if I did, it would hurt the other person so much they could never forgive me.

Life teaches you that sometimes, you just have to keep yourself busy and stop trying so hard. If he doesn' t care, find something else to do while he is busy. Get yourself involved in some projects and do not seem as though you are smothering him. Tell him how you feel and do so calmly, and carry on with your own things.

Give him and yourself a talk break. I am not saying leave him, just talk to him calmly and then let him do his thing. If he really wants this relationship he will come to the party.

All the best.

Reply to Really

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