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Posted by: Scared | 2004/10/03

Am I doing the right thing?

Hi Doc,

I am scared to death and wondering if I am doing the right thing. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for 1.5 and have a beautiful baby boy - 4 - months old.

He seems to get himself into a rut every now and again and I am left to pick up the pieces after he has torn it all apart. He drinks himself to the point where he either passes out or gets all aggressive about small things.

Everytime he drinks I have to clean up after him - make sure that he is in bed and basically become his other "mother". He doesn't seem to appreciate us and sometimes won't have anything to do with his baby. In front of friends he pretends that he is this wonderful farther that helps around the house and helps with the baby - but when we are at home he just parks in front of the television and has his beer.

He is so used to getting home in the afternoon and supper will be ready, clothes will be clean, house will be clean, baby will be fed and ready for bed that I think he forgets who makes it all happen. I work full day, and I still do all of the above without a thank you.

I am at the stage now that I wonder if it is actually worth it all. A very close friend has suggested that I move out, just for a short while. I actually told him this morning that I think we need a "break" away from each other. He has a lot of leave due and I think he should take it and go visit his family for a week or two.

Did I do the right thing by suggesting him to go away, or should I continue to try and talk sense into his head. It seems as if he is going through a personal crisis - work, family and becoming a farther.

Am I the one that is wrong or am I doing the right thing.

Please help!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Morning, Scared,
OK, so he has a major alcohol problem with alcohol abuse ( he'd probably argue about admitting that he's an alcoholic, though that is probably the right diagnosis ) and he needs treatment for this. Maybe he needs to know that his friends might find out he's nowhere near the reat husband and dad he pretends, and that he should stop the pretense, and really become that good husband and father his pretense reveals that he knows he ought to be.
And obviously, he ought to be less lazy and more helpful round the house.
The idea of taking a break sounds good. Maybe if he spends some time with his family, they may discover his drinking habits, and put some pressure on him to seem help ?
Whether you'll get anywhere by more talking to him is hard to guess --- how does he react when you talk to him about such matters ? Can he accept that he may have some problem ? Can he talk about pressures at work, how he feels about becoming a dad and taking on such responsibilirt, and so on ? If so, that route is also worth pursuing.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Just wondering | 2004/10/04

After reading your posting,i realised that you sound so like my sister-in-law, always complaining that the husband never does anything right. Only idfference with my sister-in-law is that she exaggerated the situation. Her hubby would have two ciders and she would call him an alcoholic. He had a sleeping problem, where he would just fall asleep at the drop of a hat. It was a medical problem but my dumb sis-in-law couldn't comprehend that - she thought my brother just pretended to sleep so he wouldn't have to have sex...imagine that!!!! The reason my brother never helped out with the baby, same age as yours is becasue she thought only she knew how to care for the baby.

I am not trying to compare you to my sis-in-law. All i am saying is that there are two sides to any story and before people start "thrashing" your hubby, they should consider whether yuo are in fact not blowing things out of proportion.

Still can't shake the feeling though that you really are my sis-in-law.

Reply to Just wondering

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