Posted by: Orange | 2009/08/07

Am I being unreasonable?

Hi Doc.

Im in a relationship with this guy for 2yrs now. The problem is he has a son from his previous relationship and I don' t have a baby as yet, tis has never been a problem until lately he spend most of the weekends with his son a come holidays, long weekends and now I must make my own plans when I want to be with him, I feel like i' m compromising myself here, I don' t know if the baby momma is doing this intentionally just to take our time away by sending the child over on weekends. This guy wants to marry me but I' m not sure if i want to get in a marriage with this issues, its like i' m a second best..pls tell me if i' m crazy...i' m not saying he musn' t see his son but i also need to spend quality time with him

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Our expert says:
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Amazing how many really reasonable people come here to ask me if the're being unreasonable !
Why can't this guy spend time wioth you AND his son ? The baby momma is required to give the child reasonable access to his dad, and should not object to whether or not you are there. You are quite right to hesitate to marry him before such issues are solved. If you were to marry him, the child would need to get to know and like you anyway, and vice-versa. Discuss your concerns with him and explore alternative solutions together

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Our users say:
Posted by: Orange | 2009/08/07

Thanks all for your responses, much appreciated. Kelly its not about being selfish wait untill you' re in the same situation:-)

Reply to Orange
Posted by: Me | 2009/08/07

Brace yourself, this is just the start as there are many more problems to come, fights and issues regarding the son, time to be spent with him, money to be spent on him and issues with the ex. Ask yourself if you are prepared to face all of this because beleive me it will come. I wouldn' t say you are second best but you are certainly not his first priority. His son will always be and so he should as he is innocent in all of this. However that innocence will change into manipulation depending on what the mother teaches him. You are not crazy, I know what I am talking about. So if you feel that this man is your soul mate and you can' t live without him, then I believe you will be able to handle all these problems. If not its best to stop the relationship now and carry on with your life.

Reply to Me
Posted by: Really | 2009/08/07

True, My thoughts exactly as Kelly' s

Firstly, having a child with exes is not a problem, so get that fact out of your head, secondly, have you spoken to him about your concerns?

Speak to your man and ask him if you can join them on some of their visits. Don' t be too pushy, and please remember that there will be times when you will not be able to join them because that will be a father and son time. I have those with my daughters all the time and their father knows when not to interfere and he has time with the boys and I know when not to interefer, then we all have family time and all come together, the latter is more common and popular for us than the former and I think that is the way families should be.

You say he wants to marry you? Shouldn' t you two be building on getting along, you, the child and him? Afterall you will be a family one day?

At this point, th mother of the child has nothing to do with the situation between you and your partner. Don' t blame or shift the blame, deal with the issue at hand and if the mother begins to interfere then you can have reason to worry. It is important to make time for the two of you, and you and your partner make ensure you do not neglect this!

Talk to him and you will see, it might not even be such a big problem!

All the best.

Reply to Really
Posted by: Kelly | 2009/08/07

Cant you both spend time with him?
You get to know the child and spend time with your bf too on a different level, you will also get to see a different side to him.
You are sounding selfish.

I mean its not like the mother is saying he has to see the child at her place, she is actually sending the child to his father.So she is not in any way being on purpose in doing this and just wants the child to spend time with his father.

This is also quality time that you are missing out on, that could be spent with your bf and his son.

Reply to Kelly

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