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Question
Posted by: Pat | 2004/09/28

Am I being unfair ?

Pls help me here. My husband and I are getting married in few months time.He had an ex girlfriend who made our lives unbearable.She tried all tricks in th ebook to seduce my fiance back, she threatened me physically,she threatened to make out lives a living hell. I hated her with all I have. Our last encounter with her was very bad,she insulted us and wanted to beat me with a bottle and after that incidence everything was quiet.We only heard recenlty that she's very sick,she might not even make it.My fiance received a call from a friend of hers asking how she's doing.He told the friend that he has'nt heard any further information. My fiance apparenlty went to visit his ex and only told me afterwards that he visited her.He then told me that he'll call the friend and update her on how the ex is doing health wise.I got very angry bcoz he decided to go and see her and only told me afterwards and moreover he feels that it is his responsibility to call the ex's friend and update her on how she'd doing. I know she's sick but I told him that he might be opening up a can of worms. Her friends will constantly call him for an update (since they are living far from her) and he will have that responsibility and morever we were glad when she dissappeared from our lives and now he has just opened another way to get her back into our lives. We fought about this and he maintains that he's just being considerate and he views me as someone who is cruel and do not care for another person in need. I'm really going to freak out if he constanlty have conversations with her friends . Am I being unreasonable ?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hi Pat,
Presumably he didn't tell you he was going to see her, because he was sure it'd upset you, overlooking the fact that it'd still upset you when you found out afterwards. What's supposed to be wrong with this nasty Ex, such that "she might not even make it " ? He might indeed be re-opening a can of worms. Her sickness may be unfortunate for her, but should not be a reason to allow her back to interfering in your lives. It doesn't matter that she's in need --- surely she has family, friends, and OTHER people who can care for her ? Why would he need to visit her to tell some friend how she was --- why couldn't that friend do the visiting, and inform him ? It's not a problem that he is apparently concerned about her illness, but more that he seems to be seeking a more intimate and exclusive role in caring for her, when others could full that role.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Inc | 2004/09/28

Yes... it is possible to have those kind of relationships... but not with ex's who do everything in the book to get someone back.

Reply to Inc
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/09/28

Very interesting to see the different views here. I wonder if people can't be committed to their wife or partner and still have good friendships with past lovers. I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. Perhaps I am in a different situation in my life and don't really understand this in the way others do.

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: Inc | 2004/09/28

Tell your fiance that he cannot save the world... it is not his responsibility to keep her friends updated... he needs to concentrate on his committment that he has made to you and the future that you are going to have. There are times when you are able to help a friend in need... but there are also times when you need to cut ties... and I think your future hubby needs to do that...

Reply to Inc
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/09/28

to add.. My partner has a wonderful relationship with his ex and I encourage it. It liberates me and makes my relationship very strong. We both have been to hell and back with our ex's but there was a time we cared about each other and we understood the pain of divorce / separation brings out the worst in people. With time things generally get easier. You can't expect a person to just switch off caring especially when someone is very ill. Maybe I am wrong here and more easy going than most.

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/09/28

I think you should let your fiance see whom he pleases and live his life in a way that makes sense to his soul. It shows that he is a caring person, and it shows how he would treat you should your relationship never work out.
If this woman recovers, she will hopefully be less hateful because she will realise that your relationship with your fiance is strong and that you do trust him.
You're putting pressure on him, and he needs to do this, you could be pushing him away by trying to control him.
I do understand your fears, and I don't undermine how you feel, but try setting him free rather than being controlling.
He will appreciate you for that and respect you, and be willing to tell you everything before hand.

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: Mona | 2004/09/28

Not at all, tell him that if he is so caught up in his past and in his ex life, then one day he will wake up and have lost his current life! I defenately wouldnt let my husband go visit his ex, sick or not! Bloody hell.

Reply to Mona

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