Posted by: Scorpio | 2004/03/12

Am I being selfish by ending it. Will my kids be ok?

Subject: RE: Is it possible to start all over again after 19 years of marriage
Posted by: Scorpio
Dear Doc,
Thanks for your advice about marriage counselling - I'm afraid he is not interested as he will sort it out by himself (this has always been his attitude). As I said, he came home with all his belongings the past weekend. He has not said a word since then, all he does is greet when he arrives home but do not even look at me. Last night he was sleeping in the lounge again at at 5am this morning left without saying a word. He did tell the kids that he has a few days off. This is all so familiar - whenever he cannot speak to me this is the pattern - silence for days, sleeping in the lounge and suddenly once a week he tells the kids that they must go sleep early because he needs "comfort". I know from experience that he does not communicate easily with me - I was told that I should not question him but that I should sacrifice and be patient. His words for the past few months are "My heart is home with you and the kids. I have asked to my mother & uncle for advise; I am dealing with this process as best I can; I need to be kind because it is not so easy ending it'.

I really think he needs help. Is it my place to again "take care of a 44 yr old". I am tired of this. I need someone who wants to spend time with me and be my companion...
One horrible thing that is happening whenever he has been home is that I explode at my kids - this I find extremely worrying. Besides getting upset, shaking with anger at whatever he did - my explosions with my kids are unacceptable. They really love their dad and I think maybe he is only hanging around for their sake. This however is not helping me. I have asked him to move out for a while but he refuses. 1 day there 1 day home with the kids. I am so tired of this.
I want to tell him that he must move out. I want to tell him that I forgive him, I also want to tell him to leave me alone and that I do not ever want to see him.. am I the one that needs help?
Am I that stupid, can't I read all the signs - ITS OVER. But why am I then still hoping things will change?

My employer/our Co. will be restructuring - I am honestly worried about that too. I have the responsibility of medical aid, bond, insurance, school fees & 3 kids. He does contribute R250 per month per kid in maintenance (since Dec 2002) and this year is thankfully covering our eldest son's university fees. Thats about it. I have the responsibiilty of it all and thank God I have a good job - but how long will I be able to hold out with all these pressures. I keep on saying to myself that if he leaves, we will be sad but we will learn to depend on each other and I will be stronger to take care of my children and to find time for bonding again. I really think he should move?
Plse help. I need some real advise for this pathetic situation he placed me in.
Date: 11/3/2004

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Our expert says:
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Dear Scorpio,
Yes, sad how often the people who insist that they will sort it all out themselves, never do. whoever told you that it was your duty to 'sacrifice" and "be patient" with someone doing what he's doing, was an idiot. You owe him no such duty. What about his duties towards you ?
If you're paying the bond and so many of the other expenses, it makes sense for him to listen when you ask him to mov out --- he's not providing that home, you are. I don't believe in rushing to forgive someone who is not repentant, either, escept in the sense of letting go of the burden of anger against the unrepentant one, and no longer tying yourself down with bonds of bitterness to them.
get legal advice on the extent to which you can require him to move out, and on the implications of a legal separation. And consider counselling for yourself --- you desrve it, and the availability thereby of more detailed and personalized advice on the parts of the ongonin problem, and also of support and encouragement.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jo | 2004/03/12

I have just read this and felt compelled to reply. You are absolutely, 100% doing the right thing - a situation like the one you are in is only draining you and your children emotionally. Good luck and stay your ground - you will feel so much better once you are out of this relationship. The sheer relief of not having to deal with it anymore will give you the emotional strength to manage the rest.

Reply to Jo
Posted by: ABC | 2004/03/12

Scorpio, may God be with you and your children during this difficult time. May he be there to give you and your children the strength to cope with what is about to happen this weekend.

God bless

Reply to ABC
Posted by: Scorpio | 2004/03/12

Many thanks Doc & M for taking the time to read and more importantly your sound advice.

I have since spoken to an attorney, obtained a letter notifying him that since the legal divorce has gone thru in oct '03 he needs to vacate the property with all his belongings by 28/3/04. This I intend giving to him this weekend should he happen to come 'visit' this weekend.

Thanks again I do realize that I will have to speak to someone to be able to deal with what lies ahead the next few weeks.


Reply to Scorpio
Posted by: M | 2004/03/12

You need to decide how much this relationship is costing you emotionally and whether its worth it. if not, let it go. But do it respectfully. You need to set an example for your children on how to act in certain situations. Kids learn from example, afterall. You need to be strong, but I think you lack support. Maybe think of seeing a therapist, even if its just to vent (thereby avoiding exploding at your kids). You can also learn a lot about yourself and where you are and where you need to be. You cannot allow a man obviously incapable of sorting out his life to set the boundaries and "tone" of the relationship. make a decision, and act on it.
Good luck.

Reply to M

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