Posted by: Spider | 2003/03/02

Am I being possesive

Thanks to all who replied on my previous Q Now I want to know am I being possesive. My boyfriend and I believe in seperate time out but I always tell him where I am going what I am going to be doing - I expect him to return the favour which he says I am not entitled to. If he says he will be home at 6 and by 10 he is not home I go into such a rage and demand that he lets me know he is going to be late. When the tables are turned I let him know I am running late or else he hits the roof and says he was worried but does'nt see that I have that same worry I feel he is not being fair and breaking my trust he says I want to box him in and control him????? Please advise.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Spider,
Control, surely, would be trying to control when and where he goes, who he sees, and what he does.
When two people live together, it's perfectly reasonable for reasons ranging from preventing anxiety to simple trivial things like whether to leave the front-door light on ; to expect each other to give the person left at home, a reasonable reliable indication of when they expect to be back, and to call and revise this if it seems likely that their activities will over-run the estimate.
Whether they should feel obliged to say exactly where they're going and what they'll be doing is a bit different, and depends on the relationship. If one isn't doing anything sneaky there's no particula reason to avoid being clear about it ; but some filks might fel tetchy about having to provide such details, mainly perhaps feeling as if they're having to report to Mom on what they're up to.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Zeena | 2003/03/03

It's the usual problem. You live together, but you, especially you as a woman, have no real rights. HE has all the privileges. He should know by now, don't you think, that if you let him know where you are and when you''ll be home, he should at least return the courtesy.

If he cares for you the way he should (at this stage where you are obviously staying together), certain niceties should be observed. After all, living together is a sort of exercise for being married, isn't it? If he has nothing to hide, as KL said, then why not tell you where he is? In today's world I suffer agonies of worries if someone near to me is not home when I expect him/her to be. Things can happen.

Just, please, get things between you totally sorted out before you commit to something like marriage!!!!

Reply to Zeena
Posted by: KL | 2003/03/03

I agree with the doc that if you have nothing to hide, you won't mind informing your partner about your whereabouts. I know some people like their independence, but when you move in with someone, you know that somethings will change, and also that you should do unto others as you'd like them to do unto you.
Ask him how he would react if you were 3 hours late, and ask him if you are 'allowed' to react the same way. Take it from there...

Reply to KL

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