Posted by: Kristen | 2009/07/13

Am I being mean

Hi guys, CS
My husband and I live in his mothers granny flat since getting married 8 months ago. His father died 2 months after we got married. He was alwasys spending alot of time at his mothers instead of our home which I kind of understood. The thing is I' m so tired of seeing them day after day. His sister and her husband and two kids are always there so she can sleep in late during the weekends (13:00) and mummy takes care of the kids and cooks. She leaves Sunday evening and returns home only to come back every other week day for supper. (The only reason she does come every weekend is beause the nanny goes home for the weekend and she really cant take care of her kids alone). MIL cant manage the kids either and usually send them to me beacuase I' m up at 7:00 sending hubby of the college. She aks me to get them breakfast I usually do intensive cleaning on Saturday of the caos of the week. All i want is peace and to be alone. His mother expect us to eat there all the time and my husband doesnt consider that we have our plans for supper his mothers plans supercede ours. I do feel sorry for his mother but I want us to bond and live like husband and wife now its like we live in a commune. I know we should move out but my company recently closed down and I took a job for less than half me prev salary and things are bit tight. So I told hubby that he really shouldn' t be speding that much time there but you see its a realy shock to him as he knows nothing else its the norm. He really loves his mother but I am so tired of her and her poking her nose and babying him all the time. It' s almost like she loves doing stuff for her kids so they become dependent on her and cant live without her. Is it too soon after his fathers death?

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Our expert says:
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The responses of other readers would be more appropriate here. This sounds like a MIL who is not prepared to allow her son to become independent or to respect his wife. Do you HAVE to live in her granny flat, or could you afford to move out on your own ? There seem to be more than enough people around to take care of his mom, and she also needs to learn to become more independent. Its not a questiopn of anyone not loving anyone else, but of whether they have selfish expectations of each other that don't respect the reasonable needs and wishes of everyone involved

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Our users say:
Posted by: Dragonfly | 2009/07/14

IMO the first two or three years of marriage are the hardest. During this time some serious grinding, chaffing and sanding goes on between the couple to smooth away all the edges so that you can fit together better.

This process is stressful and puts a lot of pressure on the relationship and you certainly don' t need a MIL constantly in your face. So no - you are not mean.

However, a story always has two sides. You say that you can' t move out now because of financial reasons. Therefore I assume that you are not paying rent to your MIL, or if you are then its not market related. Therefore, is it really fair of you to complain? You are living in a flat for free, but you don' t like the whole deal.
I think taking care of the kids on a Saturday morning is a small sacrifice for the financial help you are receiving from your MIL. And although I also wouldn' t like my MIL being a constant factor in my daily life - if she is providing a cheap/free roof over my head, then I guess I would have to grin and bear it for a while.

Reply to Dragonfly
Posted by: Kelly | 2009/07/13

You are not being mean. If the father was alive it would of been the same. I totally agree with you that she wants to make him so dependant on her so that he would never be able to function without her and so will always compare her to you not realising that you are his wife not his mother. My marriage is on the rocks because of my MIL and to add to it she still has money which makes it alot worse. Good luck!

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