Posted by: Mica | 2009/04/05

Am being i unreasonable?

We were together with my boyfriend for about 7 years. Because of work we stayed apart but use to visit each other. abouta year and a half ago i found out that he cheated on me and had two kids with different mothers. after a lot pain and me working through it alone as he wanted to be there for his kids i finally managed to tell him to go and leave me alone as it was evident that he wanted his kids. he apologised but i still didn' t feel like he was sorry for what he did because of the way he wanted to be there for these women and kids and i felt like i was being the last priority. i found out that he is planning on buying a house for them, when i asked why is he doing that if he is saying he wants to be with me he said he wants to provide for his kids in case he dies and he will let his mother take care of them in the house. i told him that s admirable but i want him to leave me alone so he can do as he pleases and be a father to his kids i will find my way in life. he says he doesnt understand why i want to compete with his kids why can' t i just love them. i' m not competing with his kids, alli' m saying is he can' t have both so i have been telling him for a year to leave me alone, he says he won' t as he made a mistake and he loves me. i don' t feel the same way about him as before hence i' m strong enough to let him go but he won' t.

am i being unreasonable for not accepting these kids? my heart won' t let me. i will never do to me they will always remind me of the pain i went through and how stromg i had to be without anybody' s support. besides if he loves me that much why can' t he understand how i feel? why should i always be the last priority?

Finally do you ever go back to being yourself again after being cheated? do you ever feel strong enough to let someone else be close to you? if yes, how do you do that? where do you start?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I agre very much with your underlying point that actual forgiveness should require regret and genuine apology, not in the sense of "let's just forget this all " but feeling real sorrow for what had been done. He seems to have been more devoted to fathering children ( good for his ego ) than in husbanding any of the women or caring about their feelings. And he does, indeed, seem to be wanting to have everything. I don't think you are being unreasonable --- he is expecting you to ifnore your own needs and feelings, and accomodate what he wants. The kids are innocent --- but in asking you to accept them, he is asking you to accept that he cheated and that his loyalties lie elsewhere.
Yes, one can go back to setting oneself free from the effects of having been cheated, but that may need counselling to help you to complete the work. THis does not involve trusting the untrustworthy.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Mica | 2009/04/06

Thank you so much for all of your advise!

What you all said is exactly how i feel and how i have been feeling for the past year and a half. I think the reason behind all this is that he knows he will never find a woman as independent as i am and who can look after herself. Now i feel much better and i can move on with my life! i can never tolerate whinging and asking for explanations everyday of my life. i just feel sorry for the two unlucky women as he is not prepared to marry any of them but that' s not my problem either.

I' m going to really try and meet a man that deserves my unconditional love and move on. I will try counselling as well, i think i have a lot buried down in my soul.

Thank you guys, you don' t know how much talking in this forum helps!


Reply to Mica
Posted by: Really | 2009/04/06

This indeed is a sticky situation. Your decision to leave this man, should be the only decision you stick to. True, even though you can not compete with his two kids, it is not unexpected that you would have hate towards them... you have this hatred because of the manner in which he concieved them... behind your back and not only once but twice. For all you know, there could be another one or more out there.

It would be wrong for any person to hate a child concieved by two irresponsible adults, but there is nothing wrong in not wanting them and him in your life anymore.

If you forgive him and give him a chance, then accept not to ever have to complain anything about them... and the question you should be asking yourself is, Do you think you can handle this for the rest of your life and still love this man?

I find it would be very difficult for me!


Reply to Really
Posted by: Gail | 2009/04/06

I totally agree with Striker. If you back to him those kids are going to haunt you along with the mother. The kids did not ask to be there but they were made by him while you were together. Please try and go on. you sound strong enough. Good luck!!!

Reply to Gail
Posted by: Striker | 2009/04/06

Mica, now way girl. He must go. From ur posting I can see that u r a strong woman. And for the cheating part, u can never trust someone again. That is what n relationship is build on, trust and respect. If he cheated, he in fact told u in ur face u mean nothing to him. And he has no respect for u. Let the bastard go to where he belong, to the womon he slept with and let him pay for the kids. The kids and other woman will forever be part of ur life, like it or not. From now until he die. I dont believe thats what u want.

Reply to Striker

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