Posted by: Gemini | 2004/01/27

Always a cheater

I dont think I have ever been totally faithful in any relationship in my life. I just seem to love the excitement that comes with having an affair and I don't seem to feel really guilty about it. At the same time it never changed my feelings towards the person I'm in the relationship with. I think it is probably a question of growing up and being selfish. I'm married and really really love my husband. In the beginning I never imagined I would ever cheat on him. But then I did and even confessed. We got over it. It's been 2.5 years since then. I'm on the verge of cheating on him again. I'm scared of the consequences but the excitement seems to be winning. The guy is not even that attractive. I don't understand myself. It's like I need to stick a post-it on my forehead that reads "DONT DO IT".I know I'm too idealistic. Deep down inside would you believe I'm really a nice conservative girl with an old fashioned approach to life. Except I'm always thinking of what his friends are like in bed. I know you will say I must have low self esteem to be acting this way. I suppose that's true in some ways. But that still doesn't change the fact that I think I am about to do something really stupid. I don't want to leave my husband. I know it's unfair on him.Am I strange?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Gemini, can you really find no other source of "excitement" than cheating on your husband ? Can't you get involved in exploring and developing your relationship with your husband, and making it more exciting for both of you ? You know that the idea of infidelity, though titillating, is stupid, unfair, and could be highly damaging to your marriage. It isn't irresistable, if you make the effort to resist.
When you say that you're able to cheat and enjoy the excitement of cheating, without feeling any guilt ---but that this "doesn't change your feelings for your husband", it suggests there's really something lacking in those feelings you chose to have for your husband. The lack of guilt implies that you feel that anything enjoyable to you, can't be wrong ? Would you find it entirely acceptable if your husband did the same thing, just because he found it exciting ?
See a marriage counsellor, and sort out this destructive streak, and invest in the marriage you chose to enter into.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Sad | 2004/02/04

Your reply says it all about the kind of person you are.
If having values means that I am uptight - then I am so happy that I am the way I am. Of course there is always two sides to a story. I do not believe that people who have affairs are disgusting - we are all human and make mistakes. I do believe that people who have affairs and will do it again and again, without thinking about their partners are disgusting. Good luck to you. May you find happiness and peace in your heart.

Reply to Sad
Posted by: gemini | 2004/02/01


Obviously my husband thinks I am worthy of him since he is still here and not straying I am not surprised your husband did what he did to u because u are just too darn uptight! So u are saying because your husband screwed around all sympathy should lie with u and that he is disgusting but there are 2 sides to every story!

Reply to gemini
Posted by: Sad | 2004/01/30

To Gemini 2:
My husband cheated on me, while I have always been faithfull. Now you know what it feels like.
Always remember: THE WHEEL TURNS (and it has for you!)
To Gemini:
It is impossible to reason with people like yourself.
Treat other people as you would like to be treated. How would you feel if your husband did this to you?
If you feel his sex drive is not high enough for you, then you are obviously not suited for one another.
Get a divorce - you are not worthy of a faithfull husband.

Reply to Sad
Posted by: EROS | 2004/01/29

Hi again Gemini

The narrative of Gemini 2 is some of that anecdotal evidence you can factor into your equation. Her candour is refreshing and this is what you need to help you with those decisions that await you.

Again, best wishes


Reply to EROS
Posted by: Gemini 2 | 2004/01/29

I'm the same kind of woman. Always have to stop myself from going on that wild, exhilirating ride. I find it so thrilling! I'm a confident, attractive, career driven woman with a high sex drive and LOTS of oppertunity. I've cheated in previous relationships, the first couple of times I felt bad about it, then I realised I still love my partner and in a way it's got nothing to do with him.

It's more acceptable to be like us if we were men. Don't get me wrong all of you out there - I'm not saying it's right, but the world sees a man doing this once in a while as 'making a mistake'. 'His lust ran away with him', 'she seduced him', 'she threw herself at him and he couldn't resist', 'he's the hunter'. Well guess what, in todays world some women have caught on to the hunting instinct too!

And then a year ago I started seeing this guy. And thought I'd try my best to do things differently. So I kept control, and my hands to myself. I've been so proud of myself!!!

And then he cheated on me.

The irony.
And now he tells me all the things I'd thought so many times. The times I'd been the cheater. In the pain I'm feeling now, I realise it's made worse because I KNOW how it is. I know what it takes to get to that point, the breathless exciting temptation of it all. And that I didn't really cross his mind much in those moments.
I hate him for hurting me like this, and I'll tell you what, it's crushed me. For once I'm on the receiving end and the pain is endless.

I never thought he was the kind of guy to ever cheat on me. I know the type, I AM the type. And he is not the type! So it's even more ironic that I was arrogant enough to think he'd never do it to me.

What a painful lesson it's all been.

Reply to Gemini 2
Posted by: EROS | 2004/01/29

Hi Gemini

Some of what follows will most probably bring howls of condemnation from other readers of this forum but that is what such a forum is all about. It is obvious from your well composed descriptions that you recognise that you are faced with some harsh realities with the concomitant issues of morality and the potentially lethal fallout that may ensue when you cross that forbidden line. However, and this is based on a personal opinion, people are different and one can not prescribe to others on all issues. I know how I have always valued a strong and vibrant physical relationship with my partner and one that is reciprocated by her. For us it is an important barometer of how happy and contented we are with one another. People who have weak libidos will simply never understand this and will preach apocalyptic - type scenarios from their pulpits. I will never try and convert such people as it is their right to simply feel the way their chemistry dictates. If your husband is indeed insensitive to your needs (and perhaps not deliberately so) then there are going to be consequences, rightly or wrongly. You do appear to be capable of handling the consequences and, unfortunately, that is what life is all about. Perhaps your situation, and I'm sure it is one shared by many, underlines the fallacy that "opposites attract".

Make your decision, whatever it may be, but recognise the consequences and be prepared to deal with them. We all have a responsibility to, at times, place our needs first. It is called survival.

Go well and go wisely


Reply to EROS
Posted by: Gemini | 2004/01/29

Dear Sad

It's really unimportant who your sympathy lies with since this is not a competition to score brownie points.Maybe a vibrator is your bright idea of a solution but I don't feel the same. I've always made all the effort to try and make things more exciting. Just because some people don't take sex as that important so there are those of us that do. I for one refuse to be blamed for that. Be reasonable. It shouldn't have to be all up to me all the time. He's human so am I. FYI i am spiritual but do not necessarily believe in such a thing as Jehovah God Allah Heaven or Hell and I do think that is besides the point.

Reply to Gemini
Posted by: Sad | 2004/01/28

I wish I could meet you and tell you to your face what a disgusting person you are. If you have such a high sex drive, buy yourself a vibrator! Either be faithfull or get a divorce. Do you even believe in a God? How can you do this and try and justify yourself for doing this? My sympathy lies with your husband and with him only. If YOU don't try to make things more exciting or suggest seeing a marriage counsellor, you cannot blame him!

Reply to Sad
Posted by: gemini | 2004/01/28

On the defensive now : u do not know how many men I have actually had intercourse with in my life - so lets not jump to any conclusions about being disgusting. No my man does not deserve me cheating but I don't see him making any effort on his side to make our marriage more exciting. I have a high sex drive and he does not - period - end of story - no amount of coaxing is going to change that. I don't think though that is a good enough reason to divorce him because I do love him, at the same time, I simply want to be wanted too. It makes no diff. if he tells me to pack my bags because I am financially independant, I should really be the one telling him to make an effort or pack his bags!

Reply to gemini
Posted by: Gentle | 2004/01/28

"In order to be able to Love someone, you have to love yourself first" I'm afraid you do not love yourself at all. The thought of sleeping with this man and that man doesn't it disgust you, surely it does to me.

Look yourself in the mirror and ask if the man who loved you enough to make you his wife deserves this?

Reply to Gentle
Posted by: Storm | 2004/01/28

You think it is exciting, how exciting will it be if you do it again and your husband finds out and tells you to pack your bags??
It just aint worth cheating, not if you love somebody. Don't do it, how would you feel if he was the one doing it to you, and you knew he did it once and was thinking of doing it again.Do you really want to put your relationship on a string for the sake of excitement? The person you are cheating him with probably has nothing to lose, so why should he care what happens to you afterwards.

Reply to Storm
Posted by: volcano | 2004/01/27

I agree with Sad. You are on the road to wrecking your life. Do you realise that most men would not forgive wayward wifes so you are already luckier than most. Wondering about the opposite sex is something I'm sure everybody does. But at some stage you have to decide whetheryou are going to cross the line or not. Rather turn your fantasies into some kind of a game with your husband.

Reply to volcano
Posted by: Sad | 2004/01/27

Please don't do it. Your husband does not deserve this - nobody on this planet does. My husband cheated on me and believe me when I tell you it is hell!
Please go for counselling, because you really do need help. Otherwise get a divorce and do as you please. When you got married, you made a promise to your husband and to God that you would be faithfull. Please think about that promise.
You cannot go through life hurting people like this. It will someday come back to you.

Reply to Sad

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