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Question
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/11/01

Almost Lost Him

Hi all,
Feeling a bit insecure at the moment as almost lost bf yesterday. I was apparently quite a nasty character this weekend and gave him a hard time, I don't really recall what I did but the bf wanted to leave me last night. I apologised for whatever it was but feel very insecure now, is he going to walk out everytime I have a bad day. Am I right in saying if you love someone you should be able to stick it out with them, you can't one minute say you love someone and the next minute want to walk away? Am I expecting too much?
Apparently I do tend to push the people who love me away from me, I push them till they no longer want to be around me. I wanted to end it all last night, I mean myself, I didn't because he stayed, I didn't threaten, I actually said nothing but the thoughts were there, I couldn't even drive after he said I must just drop him off, he doesn't need this nonsense in his life, his had enough, it was like the life had been sucked right out of me.
This morning he is being over cautious and also said's I must take responsibility of my own tablets again, I need to pull myself together. I managed to accomplish a lot on Friday, had a nice peaceful weekend to have it end like this.
Tell me, do you think this relationship will work out or am I setting myself up for a fall?
Thanks for any and all advice.
Take Care.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello Bt,
Maybe you're not expecting too much, though if you say you don't actually remember what went sour, it's hard for you ( or I ) to assess whether you're expecting too much, or whether he's over-reacting or responding understandably to whatever happened. Assess this in perspective --- an Excellent Friday, a nice peaceful weekend, and a bad ending to it. Shouldn't the question you ask at the end of your posting, really be asked of him ? And maybe this recent set of episodes have been awfully stressful for him, too, and maybe i'd be worth planning not only a further apology but something for him, relaxing and pleasant ? Make it up to him, and then some. And maybe not only will that process be pleasant for you, oo, but concentrating on him and his feelings, may bring you relief from some of your own ?
And was alcohol involved in the "nasty character" episode and the amnesia for it ? If so, what heppended to the resolve to cut the alcohol out of it ?
As you say ( and Chelle picks up, well ) you tend to push loving people away, maybe for several reasons, not feeling sure that you deserve them, to test them and force them to prove themselves ( how often must they prove themselves ? ) and to leave yourself free and feeling justified to be more self-destructive again ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: ec | 2004/11/01

Hello BT - I have to agree with Chelle...and remember you (or the bf) are only responsible for your(his) side of the relationship. We have to take responsibility for what we do - one person cannot do all. I sometimes feel like throwing in the towel and just walking out as it gets really difficult living with someone and having to make allowances for his behaviour because of his 'problems' all the time. I really have empathy for you and hope you can sort this out somehow - relationships are about sharing - not burdening. I hope it works out for the best - for you deserve a loving relationship! All the best!

Reply to ec
Posted by: CP MOM | 2004/11/01

Who told me that a "good man is hard to find" ? hmmm... nee vrou jy moet mooi kyk na die man so ver ek kan onthou is die die EEN ding in jou lewe wat goed en mooi is ? En kyk met jou laaste opname by die hospitaal hoe't hy by jou gestaan ? Hoe't hy vir jou gesê dat hy's so lief vir jou en wil nog lank saam met jou wees ?

Ek wil met jou baklei nie maar jy was reg goeie mans is really few and far between...

Ek dink jy moet BIGTIME sum sucking up doen... :-))

tata & sterkte xXx

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/11/01

BT - You know, love doesn't mean that you are allowed to be treated badly. So someone may love you but if you treat them badly, and they have any sense of self-worth, they will eventually retreat. If you can't remember what it is you have done, therein lies the problem.
You might push people away who love you- as a way to test them, or it might be another way in which you self-destruct. The thing is that you can't expect someone to take responsibility for helping you through this, if you continue to hurt them. You do have to take responsibility in this as well.
My understanding is that this relationship is still very young, and so it is going to go through times of difficulty, but I think you need to look at your behaviours and find out exactly what it is that has driven him to want to leave.
You deserve a loving relationship, but you have to love yourself and you have to take responsibility for your own well- being. A lover and friend can only encourange - the rest is up to you.

Reply to Chelle

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