Posted by: Jenny | 2005/06/14


I am 23 years old married for almost 2 years with a 5 month old baby boy. My husband and i live at my inlaws granny cottage. His father always holds on to him wants to know his every little move and my husband acts as if his father & family are more important than i am - and he sometimes says so. I have devoted all my life to him, i really love this man but his attitute stinks. He is very abusive and rude towards me and shows no respect for me. All of this happens in front of his parents. He maintains all of his responsiblities with the baby. His attitute towards our marirage is usually that i must suck up to him and allow him to go out with his friends every friday without any questions. On Friday he became very abusive because i did not want him go out with his friends. On Saturday he hit me because of this and i called the police - he was not arrested because he left home before the police could arrive. His family was very upset with me and completely missed the point of him hitting me. He now says that he does not want to be in this marriage and that i is happy living with his family - who are now making him feel very comfortable.

I sometimes wish that i could leave him but seems so hard also i don't want to live with his parents anymore but he would not move because he says that they are more important. Please advise should i pursue this marriage or let go. He has made no attempt to contact me or see his baby ( everytime we argue he says that the baby is not his) he also says that there is nothing wrong with hitting me.

Please help me, i need some outside advise.

Thank you and God Bless!!!

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

he sounds far far, too immature a litle boy to be in a marriage, or even to be a competent father, and he has a lot of growing up to do. And if he says there is nothing wrong with him hitting you, then it's time he was re-educated to understand how pathetic and wicked hitting his spouse, is. If that really is his attitude, there's no point in remaining with him. Cll POWA for specific advice, and speak to a good lawyer to protect your rights and those of your child.
The fact that you say he is not always bad, is irrelevant --- even serial killers can be pleasant briefly, now and then.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: been there | 2005/06/14

If I diid'nt know better I would think our husbands are identical twins !!! problem being 11 years into our marriage he hasn't changed a bit, still physically and mentally abuses me, always the least important although his 2 kids are important and still goes out with friends. Problem being ? I wasted 11 years of my life. You deserve better and I know how difficult it seems now, and it will become more difficult when you leave, but trust me, a year from now you will have no regrets as I did.

Reply to been there
Posted by: Deubel | 2005/06/14

First find yourself a job and then an apartment and then move out with your child. Don't be dependent on him and his parents anymore, because they use it as a lever against you.

This guy is an abuser and shows no respect for you. If he does not change his ways you will have to divorce him and let him pay for maintenance for his child.

Best of luck to you.

Reply to Deubel
Posted by: Go girl! | 2005/06/14

Hi Jenny

I agree with everyone - you are on a tightrope yet it would be foolish to act blindly on the advice of strangers. I can however say we mean you well so take our advice for what it is.

Your husband has obviously not made the break with his family. How is this respectful towards your future? He treats you with mistrust, disrespect and causes you to fear him. And you probably still come up for him - in other words he has invested enough fear in you to manipulate you even when he is not around - like on Fridays nights.

He has obviously been taught that this is OK. He has never learned to appreciate you or to allow you to draw lines/set borders/be the wife in the marriage/mother of the home/"boss" over certain aspects. He obviously feels trapped - and blames you for this! How is this your fault or your problem? You're right - it's NOT. The hardest part is to stand up and say - you cannot hurt me anymore - no matter what you do to me.

So what if he does his fatherly duties where the child is concerned - what is he going to do the first time your son breaks something or is naughty at school - as all boys are? Hit him as well? Raise him to be his little clone - never allowing him to develop his own personality? Have him jolling out with his pals every Firday night at the age of 15 as well?

You do not count here. Your child does. What will your child be without you? For what has your child apart from a father that has not respect for his wife; one who chooses to run to his family (who protects him & his selfish actions) and drunk pals in stead of being a husband? Remember he relies on what he perceives as your inability to stand up for yourself - beacuse if you do he can knock you to the floor and you will stop. NO MORE. You don't have to fight this alone.

Go to a good friend or spiritual leader. A spritual leader could ensure a degree of confidentiality and he/she can advise you of support groups for women that find themselves in your position. Apply for another job. Make arrangements for the baby to stay with a relative/day care. Make arrangements to share accommodation with someone - it is advertised in every newspaper every week. The aim is to get support and get out of your foul circumstances to a place where YOU can lay down the rules, because it is high time that you do! Pray everyday for everything. Your prayers will not go unanswered.

Good luck to you!

Reply to Go girl!
Posted by: Teri | 2005/06/14

Hi Jenny,

When i was young with a baby I remember also phoning the cops. I remember him cutting my eye open. I remember the arguments and him putting his family first instead of me. This constant fighting went on for years. He never changed and my life was a nightmare. Dont hang on to this guy for years to come 'cos you will fall flat on your face. Men like that don't change. Take it from me 'cos i went through it all and i am finally rid of the lowlife and much happier for it. Its just a pity i didn't wake up years ago.

Reply to Teri
Posted by: Divorced | 2005/06/14

We cannot tell you what you should or shouldn't do. Within yourself you seem to know that abuse of any sort is wrong. You seem to be having it from all sides at the moment so I can't blame you feeling as helpless as you do.
From what you say above seems you are outnumbered when it comes to weighing your options which basically leaves you with none. What if you turn to your friends or relatives or family & maybe work on a time-out. Sometimes a person has to miss what they have to realise it's value...
It would need you to strong though as going through what you are at the moment must be quite taxing.
There are quite a lot of options we could suggest to you, but I think right now would be best if you actually got the support of a close friend or family relative. This way if things don't turn out as you hope they would then you will have actual support available. All we can offer here is emotional support. Have you maybe considered any options that could possibly benefit you?

Reply to Divorced
Posted by: Jenny | 2005/06/14

Thanks Kay and Lee

Lee, i am also Christian and i am so depressed because he is not always bad but i love him and he knows it and takes advantage of that. Please pray for me.


Reply to Jenny
Posted by: Lee | 2005/06/14

I am a Christian and therefore do not approve of divorce but I think if you life is in danger and you are not treated with respect you should get out. Especially if he thinks it is OK to hit a woman. NO WAY!!! For you own sanity and you child get out. If you son grows up seeing his father doing this to his mother he will have no repsect for woman and in turn abuse his wife. I do believe that you initial mistake was stayin with family. I truly believe that for a marriage to have a fighting chance especially in the first five years couples should live on their own even if it is just a room. Family will always become involved if they are too close. There is also another alarm bell you should be looking at...the fact that he questions the paternity of his son...he obviously does not trust you and this can make any sane person crazy. I pray that you find a safe place for you and your son and try to be strong and not listen to the lies that it will not happen again. Because unless a miracle happens (and they still do) you need to be very careful.

Reply to Lee
Posted by: Kay | 2005/06/14

You need to decide what you want in life. You are still so young to be caught in a marriage with a man who sounds like he is still a child himself as well as an abuser. If he thinks that there is nothing wrong with hitting a woman then my only advise to you is to get out....and soon.

Reply to Kay

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.