Posted by: Noma | 2009/06/30

Agressive son

My son is 8yrs old.His father and I have divorced. I have never sat him down and told him exactly what is happening.I felt it' s too much and too soon.He wrote me a letter last Sunday saying he hates me and never want to see my face ever again.On the bottom of the letter he said " SUCKER" ,my own child.I am very hurt and I dont know what to do or say to him.

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Our expert says:
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This must have been awfully upsetting for you. I believe that with all such important issues for a child --- divorce, deaths in the family or among acquaintances, and so on, it never pays to avoid talking about it. It is never too soon to start what ideally would be an on-going conversation about such matters. YOu start by discussing what he must already have noticed, and what he thinks has happened, then clarify the facts, and always emphasize that it is not his fault, and that you both still love him very much. Indeed, it's best to explain a divorce as sad and unfortunate, but as nobody's fault, as surely nobody wished for it t come about.
Wither it's talking about divorce, deah or sex, remember that there is never a vacuum -- the child always knows something is going on, and if not told honestly, will guess and work out a story that makes sense to him, an which is often worse than the truth. And at 8, your boy was easily old enough to understand what has been happening Postponing such discussion never makes it easier, as you have discovered.
Now, choose a suitable time, and sit own with him and explain that you want to tell him what has been happening, and to answer his questions about the family. Explain, too that you understand that he has been confused and very angry, and that you respect that, though you feel very hurt that he fels so much anger for you. Then explain what has happened, and let him ask about it, or tell you what aspects have made him so angry, and why he sees you as responsible for all this.
A hiding, as suggested by another reader, won't help at all, and will both give him more to be angry about, and teah him that violence is an acceptable way to behave towards other people when you're unhappy

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Our users say:
Posted by: 007Boer | 2009/06/30

You need to do two things:
1) give him a serious hiding for disrespecting you, and
2) explain to him exactly what is going, why it is happening and why his actions are inappropriate and that you still love him.

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