Posted by: Confussed | 2005/05/30

After finding out of an affair after 30 years of marriage

Well sorry I am back again, I am still coping how ever sometimes it feels I am getting no where and I will not make it after I found out of the affair in Janu 2005. We were just once that is 5 days after I found out about the affair at the pshyciatrist.I think she is still in shock, because that day my main consern was how and what should I do to myself after I found out as I was worried about leaving my husband which I was afraid of as I love him to much.this is now4 months and if I bring it up he would make a remark the same all the time "Here we go again" is that right from him to expect me to forget everything and not ever talk about it. I was told that if we talk freely about it it will be much better by that I mean about it and not what he did.Everytime I talk that is about once a week he just locks up completely and is completely cold towards me.I have not spoken to any one or has gotten no advise from any except you people on the internet. Help me am I approacking this completely wrong or what is my problem.I have to keep up al the feelings in side me I am not allowd to cry, nor fight nor talk about it why why. I have been faithful to him for 30 years and has always loved him in poor when times where tough and in all my life. Should I just take off and devorce. Has there ever been a successful marriage after an affair after the couple were married for 30 years happily. I mean he comes up with all excuses like ego and something missing in marriagewhich to me is a big ly as we had everything in marriage. I was there everyday for him and every night.I need all the hlp I can get. as I will not ge abble to surfife this.

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Our expert says:
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In a way you are both right, and both wrong. After any major threat to a relationship, such as his episode of cheating, ---
---it IS necessary to talk about it --- so long as you find ways, often with proper expert assistance, to talk about it productively, so you work through it rather than just endlessly reworking it, so that you are able to get through the issue and ind a new way of living together or a clear resolve to part, with both of you understanding and collaborating to make it work ;
and --- it is NOT necessary to just talk about it if you are merely spinning your wheels, like a car stuck in the mud, producing some friction but no forward movement.
Thus marriage counselling, to work together on finding the best achievable result for both of you. An if he refuses to take part in this, then seeing a counsellor yourself, to empower yourself, get yourself through this stick ing point, and make a wise decision for your own best future.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Deb | 2005/05/31

I fully agree with Anon. The two of you must go for counseling together, if he doesn't want to, then you need to do it on your own. Your husband must realise that you need to get this out of your system, and the only way to do so is by talking about it. Don't ask too many intimate questions though, it will only hurt you more. But he must afford you the opportunity to talk about your feelings of rejection, pain, hurt, anger etc. Sometimes people have affairs while there really wasn't a problem in their "primary" relationship, they merely have the affair because it was there for the taking.

I believe that your marriage can survive this affair, but in order for the boil to heal, the puss must be extracted (talked about) and then you must allow for the scab to form (get closure and put it behind you).

It won't make you feel any better Confussed, but try to remember that you are in the same boat as many other people, and a lot of them made it through and have a strong relationship again. Good luck...

Reply to Deb
Posted by: Anon | 2005/05/31

No, dont just accept that he had an affair?? Why should you?? He hurt you badly and if he feels that he still loves you and wants to be with you, how dare he just tell you to not even talk about it! I would insist that he attend couseling with you because I am sure you are completely broken inside and he just seems to be ambling along? You are NEVER going to accept it if you dont talk about it and get professional help with how to deal with it. You must be devastated and I feel for you. If he refuses to attend sessions with you, go alone, the therapist will assist you and perhaps empower you to make the decisions you just are unable to do in the frame of mind that you find yourself? Hang in there, you obviously dont deserve this, but hey, when life hands you a lemon, make lemonade out of it (albeit on your own....)

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Deubel | 2005/05/31

Nobody wants to be reminded constantly about his wrong doings in the past. You should get closure on this issue.

Accept that he had an affair, that he admitted it was wrong, that he still wants to be with you and that he will never do it again. If you dwell on this issue for the rest of your life you might as well divorce him now. If you want to move on with your marriage you must put this behind you and never mention it again, however hard that might be. Otherwise start divorce proceedings right now.

It is your decision, he cannot undo what has happened so you must decide whether you can live with it for the rest of your life.

Reply to Deubel
Posted by: leah | 2005/05/30

You can survive anything. You sound like a really strong person. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Be strong. Follow YOUR dreams, whatever they may be. Good luck I'm thinking of you. Sorrry i can't write much advice.

Reply to leah

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