Posted by: Happy | 2005/12/13

After Divorce

Why is it that when you live with someone you call your husband for 7 years, you are so unhappy, miserable, depressed ..... and once you leave the person- divorce. then you find happiness, you become so happy and move on with life.

Then all of a sudden the person whom you loved so much for years, leaving with him under abusive conditions is now all os a sudden very apologetic, wainting ones forgiveness, saying he has learned that mistreating a wife is not good after all, that he now knows that I am the one for him and promises that he will treat me much better that before.

would you follow you heart nad forgivr him and the expense of maybe being miserable again, or just let go and continue leaving the new life.

This decision is so difficult more so that everytime my kids come back from weekend with himthe way they are I can see they miss being with the two of us together. I am heartbroken because of them.


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Our expert says:
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Abusers usually play apologetic to get back their victim, because they miss the games they used to play. They usually make empty promises. I would be extremely cautious about ever taking an abuser back, unless, maybe, they have completed a course of therapy with a good counsellor, to deal with their anusing habits. Mostly the "other chances" don't work out

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Our users say:
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/13

CS is right. People do make an effort to change though, and in few cases do get it right, but generally they resort back to being the people they initially were.

It depends on the extent of change, and reasons why the person was the way they were. many people grow up and go through changes, do soul searching to understand themselves, and find answers.

Be very wary, but its not impossible.

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: Max_ine | 2005/12/13

dont go back, being in an abusive marriage harms one emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. your divorce and consequent "alone_ness" after has made you get back in touch with yourself and you are free from him and you are happy. the moment you go back you will resort back to that woman you used to be when you were married, abusive men have a way of doing that. value your choice you made, your freedom and your happiness, in so doing you are secure, better inside and probably a better mom. he sees the changes in you and he wants you all over again. dont do it, go on with your life and be friends. i was in exactly the same situation as you and it took me more than a year to become the woman i used to be before i married him.

Reply to Max_ine
Posted by: lady nina | 2005/12/13

hi there

i think every person has the potential to change but very few do

i think if he regrets the results of his actions eg being alone
then he will not change
but if he really regret hurting you and losing you yet he is placing your own happiness before his own and is willing to stay alone himself if it means you will be happy

then i think there is hope that he had a change of heart


Reply to lady nina
Posted by: Frusty | 2005/12/13

I am not going to tell you to do either, but I will tell you that in my experience, no, they do not change. Please do not go back for the sake of the kids. The only reason you should even consider going back is if you really love him and feel that there is hope in the relationship and that he genuinely has changed. If not, do not go back. It will only make you unhappy again, which in the long run, will be bad for the kids anyway. Would they rather have a happy mother who is not with their father, or an unhappy, depressed and emotionally crippled mother who is with their father? Think about it very long and hard and look at it from all angles before you make a decision.

Reply to Frusty
Posted by: Delene | 2005/12/13

I think yes/no
Sum do, sum dont.

I know fior a fact my ex husband treats wife differently than me, and doesnt want to repeat the same mistakes. I'm happy for him...
But although he also wanted another chance, and I gave it to him...It didnt work. Cuz once you are happy, you cant go back to "all that"
I grew as a person & he just stayed where he was....

Good luck

Reply to Delene

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