Our expert says:
I am so sorry to hear of all this grief that you have been carrying around with you for so long. It is always sad to lose someone we love, and with someone so young, and a death so suddent and unexpected, and unexplained, it can be much harder than usual. You needed and deserved good grief counselling at that time, and you still do. Complicated Grief is unpleasant and can be helped. I am absolutely certain that your baby's death was not your fault ; you loved him and cared for him as well as you could --- these awful things happen, and can happen to all of us. But if you think about it, you will agree, surely, that this lovely child would not want you to remember him with pain and suffering all your life --- and he would, surely, want you to remember him with happiness, remembering the joy he was able to bring you in his short life --- and he would, just as surely, want you to let yourself have another child, and experience that joy again. He didn't deserve to die, but some things go wrong with infants, which are nobody's fault, and which nobody deserves.
Also, check out in the phone book and maybe through your local Lifeline, and look for a nearby branch of a group called The Compassionate Friends, which is a self-help group of people who have lost a child, at any age, who gather and hep each other.
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