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Question
Posted by: Fatty | 2004/01/19

Afraid to get married

Dear doc,

I was wondering whether you might help me to get to the bottom of a problem I have. I got engaged to my boyfriend of 9 years in August last year. I love him immensely and he means everything to me, yet he refuses to marry me while I'm overweight. I'm very short and should weigh 60kg to be on my goal. We got engaged after I went for medical tests that found out that why I couldn't shed the extra weight I was carrying and I lost 10kg. I was still another 10kg from my goal, but he believed in me and asked me to marry him. Since August I've gained 13.5kg and I currently weigh 83.6kg. There is nothing else standing in my way of getting married other than my weight, and still I can't help myself from eating a slab chocolate a day. It is not just a case of not eating healthily, I'm gorging myself. I have done a lot of soul searching, and I think the main reason for this is that I'm afraid to get married. I was raped by my grandfather between the ages of 2 and 5 and after that I was raped again by some boys in our neighbourhood when I was 12. I've been for counseling and I pretty much feel that I've dealt with that part of my life. I know you will most probably not be able to give a full explanation with this bit of information, but if you could perhaps help me a bit, I can figure out the rest.

Thank you very much

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Fatty, maybe he's being reasonable in caring about your health, as the amount of extra weight you're carrying isn't healthy, and he'd prefer to know you for a long, loong time, and not just until your first heart attack or stroke.
You really, truly, do not "have" to eat a bar of chocolate a day. I've checked in the Constitution, and it is not required by law. In gorging yourself, you're describing an eating disorder, which deserves expert professional help and advice, so consider seeing a shrink for a full asessment and specific advice.
It seems not unusual for someone who has had bad experiences with abuse / rape, to take refuge in overeating, perhaps a some level feeling that if you get really very fat, you could at least feel reassured that you'd be unattractive to other potential rapists and abusers. And this fits the pattern that you managed some weight loss, but have relapsed into major weight gain when this became so explicitly linked to the prospect of marriage and grater physical intimacy.
But of course that's a bad tactic, bad for your health and happiness ; and anyway, abusers and rapists are into power trips, and select victims more on the basis of their relative powerlessness and vulnerability, than on physical attractiveness. So maybe there's a bit more to explore and sort out in that area, to get to being able to enjoy being slimmer and attractice and NOT vulnerable.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sugar | 2004/01/20

Dear Fatty

You need to find yourself and love yourself before you marry anyone. This weight issue your husband has with you will never go away it will rear its ugly head many times in your marriage even if you do loose the weight because every time you have an extra piece of cake he will be saying “no, no, no”. Weight is not the issue. Sort out who you are and what weight you are happy with. I don't think that you are afraid of "Marriage" I think you are afraid that you will never be "good" enough in his eyes. Your weight is like a blanket covering/protecting you from all the things you don't want to face, even your past.
I wish you the very best and hope you find happiness.

Reply to Sugar
Posted by: Nicki | 2004/01/19

Hi my dear. Sorry to hear of what a tough life u have been having. Firstly the person who loves u and wants to marry u, will never want to change u. I forsee problems down the line of marriage, if u did something wrong, somehow it will always be blamed on ur fat. Maybe talk to ur fiance, tell him that this is how u look. Maybe he is trying to give u an incentive to lose the weight, but he doesnt realise what a insecurity he has created.

I know u r trying to lose the weight for urself, but miracle dont happen overnight. U have to train urself in the way u eat. Dont starve, that just makes u put on more weight later on.

Reply to Nicki
Posted by: Juzlisen | 2004/01/19

Dear Fatty

Please think long and hard about marrying this man. Why does he need you to be thin to marry you? If you look at this situation from an outsiders point of view one would think that he has a committment phobia - you have been together for nine years already and if is not ready to marry you now - he probably never will be The fat story is his scapegoat - his excuse - just open up and talk to him. I hope things work out for you nine years is a very long time to be with someone.

Reply to Juzlisen
Posted by: volcano | 2004/01/19

fatty, get out of this relationship. This guy does not want to marry you but some skinny bird. Can you imagine what the rest of your life will be like? His obsession with your weight will make your life and marraige misrable.

Reply to volcano

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