Posted by: shaz | 2009/08/18

Afraid to communicate to partner

I have so many issues I want out in the open but afraid to talk to him. Impossible to describe in 10 words.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

OK, fortunately, this is not twitter so you're not limited to 19 words ! But I understand what you mean. Why not see an individual counsellor for yourself, and with the potential of inviting him to join you for some joint sessions after a while, to deal with mutual issues ?
Really raises some important questions for you to consider, too.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Really | 2009/08/18

Wow! There is a lot to stomach here!

All I can say is, you don' t have to make excuses for someone as abusive as your partner, he says you never support him, who went and cheated on the other? Definately not you. I must say you are a strong person to have to put up with all this.

I am not a professional shrink nor am I the CS, but from the look of things, you need to decide what is best for you and your child just this once. If you can' t express yourself because of fear of his violent behaviour, then you need to find a way out of this relationship. Bottling things up and being silent trying to analyse situations is only going to make things worse for you. I have known people that bottle things up that have ended up so depressed and others even on the verge of taking their life because they could not handle it anymore!

You can' t keep on analysing what your partner is thinking, you can only deal with what facts you know.

You need to tell him how you feel about he whole situation and maybe seek couple counciling! He must go and seek help regarding his abusive behaviour, maybe a councilor, anger management or something. If this thing is going to work out, then the two of you must be prepared to work through it. If he does not come to the party and refuses to acknowledge your stant, then you know what to do next. Staying in an abusive relationship is never the best thing to do, not even when there are kids involved.

As for his daughter... kids will be kids because that is why we are the parents and they are the kids. If she wanted to commit suicide, it shows that there are problems that need to be addressed, and more on the personal side of the child and maybe becuase of the situation between her two parents. Sometimes people attempt suicide to get attention and sometimes, they are just not as strong as they can be and they need help to be strong and to change their mind set. This said, it' s never an easy road!

You say you have always taken care of yourself and the your daughter, so why do you still want to subject your self to such a painful relationship? Leaving him might SEEM the wrong thing to do and probably the most painful thing to do because no one plans to break up with there partners, but doing the leaving might be the difference between those that survive to live and see tomorrow and those that don' t!

Make the right choice.

All the best.

Reply to Really
Posted by: shaz | 2009/08/18

He is my fiance and he is the type of person who never thinks before he speaks and ends up saying hurtful things. Verbal and emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, the only difference is that the scars don' t show on the outside. I am the opposite and analyse everything before saying something. If my answer is going to hurt someone then I keep quiet. I always act as the middle person when it comes to his kids, work colleagues and friends. I have no one who stands up for me so I keep quiet. I am a logical thinker and always see both sides which makes him cross sometimes because he says I never support him. He cheated on me 2 years ago (he and his ex used to cheat on each other during their marriage too - I should have seen the trend). I can never trust him but I am trying. He is still supporting his ex for the last 3 years because she is too useless and lazy to get a job. He bitches and moans but does nothing about it because his other daughter lives with her mother. I work and have to pay my way. His eldest daughter lived with us and went through a suicidal stage because he chose to be with me and not the floozie who was supposed to be good friends with his daugher. I had to be the strong one for both of them but I was the one that was cheated on. The daughter was in on the plan to get rid of me - and everyone at his work and his family knew what was going on and no one told me. His ex didn' t really give a damn about her daughter and went back to Cape Town after a few days (out of sight out of mind). She stayed in our house during these trying times and caused so much trouble for me I actually moved out and only came back once she had left. My fiance always takes her side and I have to explain myself. I need to learn how to express myself without crying and without being afraid that he will lose it. I sometimes regret taking him back because my life would have been less complicated. We have a daughter together but I have raised her and do everything for her. So where can I find an individual counsellor because I really need to speak to someone and get all this poison and anger out of my system and learn how to express myself to my fiance and not be afraid. I hate rocking the boat.

Reply to shaz
Posted by: Really | 2009/08/18

Do you two actually speak to each other? Maybe that should be the starting point.. maybe you are only afraid because you don' t know how he views things, his concerpts on matters, or is this man violent? When you say afraid, do you think talking to him will anger him, or do you assume it will drive him away or you will lose him?

Has something happened in the past that has made you to be so afraid to speak to him?

Is he your partner, your father, your brother, your son or is it your boss????

Shaz, you can only get out of this ' afraid'  mode if you do talk to the one person you are afraid of (Him). You only have but one life to live and you do not want to live this one life in fear.

Give more information, from the sound, look and feel of this post, I think you are generally afraid to express yourself!!

Express yourself more, huh!

Hope to hear from you the soonest and hopefully with more detail.

All the most

Reply to Really

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